W is moving out.....life goes on...

[25yearsmlc]

re=read Valeska's post b/c it's great one. And you are growing and w's not and that's how it is. The way to reconcile with that factor is that you lead by example. Remember that. Okay so let's review this post of yours now..

hey all--- thank you SO much for thinking of me and for prayers, good thoughts, or even some voodoo at this point.

I didn't post for a couple of days. My emotions are all over the place and I am trying to figure out what is going to happen next.

Well, STOP THAT^^. You decide what's going to happen next in your life. No more reacting. You are not a piece of furniture waiting to see where you'll be placed.

After W and I had a huge argument about OW's less that great qualities...(understatement, and my mistake for pointing them out----

Well, this am --- he still has a toddler bed and needs a new one. she said, well, that is contingent upon other things.... Turns out she is really looking at moving out and taking S asap.

Which is not new information actually. So why does it hit you so hard? B/C MAYBE your relative peace of no conflicts for 3 days, created expectations in you? Lose those expectations or keep getting hit in the stomach. Cover the gut with the protection of zero expectations and there won't be any more sucker punches (new metaphor- Does it work?) I mean, do you get it?

She's leaving. It's possible at the last minute she'll change her mind but not likely.

The course of action you have to increase the chance of her staying, is the same course of action you have for getting her to return someday...
which is letting her go.

She has her own journey to take, and you are not invited. So don't tag along til she flees. That journey without you may mean she'll learn sooner, that the grass is greener where it gets the most water. OR she may not learn that for a long time or ever and go from one r to another, OR she may put that "water" in the new R. But it's still the Same course of action for you, atm...

(you can always change the path later if need be. But atm, this is what we've got).

The R with s4 is also key, for you as you, and for you as a couple. Keep your focus on him for he's also the bond you have with her. Do NOT let her think you won't fight for him. Nip that delusion in the bud, but w/o anger. Being resolute does not mean you are angry.

Even if you take your life savings and go to the Supreme court "to MAKE NEW LAW" then let her believe you'll do just such a thing...it increases the time you'll get with him (she'll probably settle the issue out of court to avoid spending HER life savings and OW's, unless she's insane AND mean AND OW wants to spend that type of money??)...and you'll ultimately look better in your w's eyes IF YOU handle it with love, devotion to HIM, and zero anger. Avoid looking vindictive as much as humanly possible.

But if you were the primary caregiver before, then keep that as your mantra..."I'm the one who SAH with him the most, I want what's best for him which is stability and it's HIS interests I'm duty bound to look after first."

At some point she'll have to concede she broke her vows, and your heart, AND YET all you want now is your R with him to be unstolen. For HIS sake as well as yours. It's pretty frickin' reasonable.



I'm digesting the rest of the convo -- where she told me I just drive her crazy.

Don't bother digesting that or you'll get as nutty as she is.

It's meaningless drivel from an alien spewing at you.

Gee, what if the alien thinks Bill Clinton is an Iranian spy from Mars? Want to spend money or time on "investigating" that?

That I've been doing everything around the house and she thinks it's all to get her back. (doing things around the house was one of my 180s bc MIL said W didn't feel as if I do enough. blah blah blah) SO I feel I'm f'in damned if I do--damned if I don't.

True you are damned either way. So Do NOT argue this or you'll be arguing the old "See my REAL changes that are not for you but did YOU notice them?? They're really real and authentic and only for ME, but did YOU SEE them? TELL ME!! Now do you love me??" that stuff is

SOOOO not good for the cause...instead I'd

LAUGH AT THAT^^^^ bemused feedback with some of the following suggestions,
or your own versions...

1) "Seriously? You think I took the garbage out to win you over? If only I'd known it was that easy"

2) "ah, yes the drawers are organized now, and SO it's still all about YOU??" THESE are to be said in a teasing KIND voice with no anger or they will not work

(though they're good zingers)

3) "so me working on traits I think need some tweaking, bothers you b/c you don't want me to achieve perfection? But I was so close!"

OR

4) "Yes I'm doing some things differently. I want to teach s4 that 'X' is a good idea/habit...I Don't know why that bothers you so much but you won't have to deal with it much longer anyway." (Shows acceptance of her choice AND that your change IS real AND will continue regardless...)

ASK FOR NO FEEDBACK and do not ask ANY questions (other than funny rhetorical ones). IOW this is not the time to engage.

IF she insists that she "knows why" you are doing all this, you can be direct especially if you feel the spew rushing to the top and you know your mouth is going to get you in trouble....again...

INSTEAD---what about saying something like this?

"W, you've rationalized & justified a lot of things that have shocked and deeply hurt me. But you made some valid points that I want to address for ME and for my life and my future r's...You should be flattered that I validated it by making this change."

Then leave the room, PLEASE...theres no way she's going to slap her forehead and say "OMG You're the one!"

If she is, she can follow you into the next room!! My fear is you'll hope this ONE great point is going to turn it ALL around...and it won't. You'll push the conversation until the good point you originally made is lost...amidst the morass of more rationalizations from her. Don't do it.

Best case is you plant some seeds...and then we hope that time and consistency nurtures them into sprouting real changes in you.

Make sense?


Much like most LBS....it's a game we're thrust into and we don't know the rules, or if there are rules, they change midsteam with no warning.

well said. So you have to take charge of your life and make YOUR rules for living your life well. It's all you control.

What steps have you taken, or are you taking THIS WEEK, to retain some legal rights with s4?


I'm really broken today. Really broken.

We get it. I'm really sorry buddy.

I'll post more specifics later, but I was checking my email and saw that some of you were checking on me. This message board is a lifesaver, and you guys, I'm sorry we're in this boat, but you're a great bunch of people to be in it with if we must go through it all. Some really strong character exhibited here.

When someone asked me why I post here when my sitch is no longer in crisis, this is why. People I never met (and a few I did manage to meet) magically came into my life at the worst time.

I prayed and prayed and then found this place...people here guided me, they supported me, they genuinely cared for me and got "nothing" out of it in return. No money, no gifts, no public accolades b/c it's anonymous.

A man named "Was2sad", and Faithisbelieving, Denver, 9lives, 2step, and others who I am forgetting atm, were a few of the many MEN who helped me retain my faith in men. Women/sisters helped me stay strong and not feel like a doormat and to see the difference. Brandnewday (with 8 kids and an OW to cope with) made it and inspired me.

These strangers gave me such valuable love. They helped me grow and learn and to be brave, when truly I felt like staying in bed all day with some ice cream or booze, or both. OR hiring a mean L and filing up the wazoo and taking h for all his moolah and never looking back b/c I was SO deeply wounded and so very angry....

What a gift they gave. So I come back and pay it forward. It's literally the least I can do.


Post more later. Gonna go play more with my beautiful boy.

sounds like a plan...and next month, the city of brotherly love? What's up with that?