Several of our MFs are pretty angry at my W for her actions or lack thereof. Now that W is coming back for a one week visit, many of our friends are telling me to pull the plug, that she is never coming back, that her mind is made up, and that even if she realizes at some point that she made a mistake by giving up everything here, that she would still never be able to return to her life here, or even a different life here.
Our friends are mad that she is stringing me along (there words, not mine). They understand why I have been supportive of my W, but think it is time to end the M. Be done with it, so I can start to heal. IC says the same thing.
The handwriting is on the wall, to be sure, but something just does not feel right.
W visit here next week is going to be brutal.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
I feel for you man, you asked when do you know its over, I think, as I have been told by many, many people, is that you have to assume it is over, act as if it is, and if eventually it turns out not to be, you will be pleasantly surprised. Perhaps the d would be cathartic, in that, it is only a piece of paper, perhaps the pressure will be off s, it is hard to say.
Have you joined a divorce support group in your area? I wnt o one of mine last night, have met some real good, supportive people who are going through the same thing as us, and who dont mind listening. Four of us hung out last night after the meeting and went to a local wine pub, where we hung out and talked about all of our experiences. It was helpful for me. Most churchs have groups, you might want to look on the internet under "divorce Care"
Hang in there buddy!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Several of our MFs are pretty angry at my W for her actions or lack thereof. Now that W is coming back for a one week visit, many of our friends are telling me to pull the plug, that she is never coming back, that her mind is made up, and that even if she realizes at some point that she made a mistake by giving up everything here, that she would still never be able to return to her life here, or even a different life here. Are these friends telepathic? Or are you polling them for their opinions? I would stop that. It doesn't help YOU. They mean well b/c they tire of your pain but they have no more idea (indeed they have less) of what your is doing or why. None of us know and, I daresay your w doesn't either.
Our friends are mad that she is stringing me along (there words, not mine). Stop listening to them. To me your w sounds, recently, resolute. Her argument for health insurance may seem selfish but it's not "Stringing you along". On the contrary she sounds as if she's trying hard to be honest now.
They understand why I have been supportive of my W, Do they really? Then why the change? I don't think they understand it much.
but think it is time to end the M. Be done with it, so I can start to heal. IC says the same thing. While I'm sure your IC has been great for you, she's not a DB coach. Guess the real question is why you think filing will heal you. That's like the WAS saying divorce will solve the problems in the m.
Are there financial advantages to you to filing?
The handwriting is on the wall, to be sure, but something just does not feel right. Explore this^^^....what's the rush now? You'll see her soon. Why not make the best of the times you'll have and give her something to miss. Let the good memories we all know DID happen, resurface in her.
W visit here next week is going to be brutal.
It'll be tense unless you choose to make it a great week. See it as an opportunity instead of deathknell.
Find what you still love in her and enjoy that. Embrace the good feelings that do exist, let them brew, and see what happens. Don't expect so much negativity.
Sure, plan for the worst, but let yourself hope for the best (not = expectations), just a streak of optimism that means
whether she's with you or no, you will be fine b/c you are good catch, you are a man only a fool would leave.
Show her that guy!
Let your last contact with her give her some 2nd thoughts so on the dark nights that she's alone, memories will come back to her, & she can recall the man she left - was a man to love...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
end it in a way you won't have any regrets about. I recall seeing my ex fiancee to give something back to him and he still held onto the idea that we'd reconcile after he sowed a few more wild oats or something....
I looked my absolute best, as in , I spent money on it. And I kicked ass with attitude about how busy I was and didnt' have a lot of time to talk but...mentioned a really funny experience we'd had and then he brought up one and I did too and he brought up romantic experiences and I let them sink in him for a minute and then in a really loving but not pursuing way, I hugged him "goodbye"....
it could not have gone better from my tiny 20 y/o brain.
And it did haunt him, which was my goal then. Today my goal would be to give them 2nd thoughts if I held on to recon ideas...
but I if I truly wanted it over, I'd do most of the same things-
B/c my ego would still want to feel good about how I left things.
anything punitive backfires as far as that is concerned. I never understood the idea that if you slam someone financially and legally and punish them for betraying you
while YOU may benefit financially (and if that's the only goal, I get it) but if your other
goal is somehow getting them to regret it, it does NOT work.
The WAS sees the punitive actions for what they are; and then totally validates their choice to leave b/c now the LBSer is an SOB or a beyotch... AND it totally eliminates chances for a recon too... make sense?
Don't do/say something that will give you any regrets.
Be seen in the best light possible and let that comfort you b/c it really will.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sure, plan for the worst, but let yourself hope for the best (not = expectations), just a streak of optimism that means
whether she's with you or no, you will be fine b/c you are good catch, you are a man only a fool would leave.
Show her that guy!
Let your last contact with her give her some 2nd thoughts so on the dark nights that she's alone, memories will come back to her, & she can recall the man she left - was a man to love... _________________________
Seismic, kaffe.... Thanks for the thoughts. Your words mean alot. I am going to make this a good week. I am a good person who has changed much for the better, and she would be a fool to leave me. The handwriting may be on the wall, but I am going to move forward standing tall and proud. Maybe she will see what she is doing is not the best move, or maybe not. I will not let this pound me into the dirt. I just can't.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Will she be staying with you or somewhere else? If she is staying with you, that will make it more difficult for you to always be looking your best, confident, and in charge while you are interacting on a daily basis. It is virtually impossible for you to be looking chipper at every moment, we all have moments of weakness. If she is not staying with you, that puts you in a much better position, since you can sort of pick and choose the places, times, that you meet. I think (from my experiences over the last 4 months) that in general,if financially feasible, it would be better for WAW to immediately move out, get their own place, so that they dont see you on a daily basis battling your hurt and grief, and they will get to experience what life will be like without you.
Just my thoughts, either way, you can control how you present yourself and your demeanor, and I agree with 25 that it is vitally important for you to continue to do what seems to come natural to you, i.e. remain friendly, cordial, and supportive of her in general, not necessarily the choices she has made, but her.
Good luck buddy!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
i agree about it being difficult to always seem 'chipper' It's not humanly possible. Do the very best you can - I hope the week surprises you and goes really well.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
I am going to make this a good week. I am a good person who has changed much for the better, and she would be a fool to leave me. The handwriting may be on the wall, but I am going to move forward standing tall and proud. Maybe she will see what she is doing is not the best move, or maybe not. I will not let this pound me into the dirt. I just can't.
That's the spirit, AC! This is the best you can do.
NP, AC... although I want to humbly state that the quote you posted was from 25... she finished my thought with that great stuff...