Just remember that while the LBS isn't the cause... there is a reality to how the WAS sees things...
We often say, if it stings... we should look at it... IOW, if the WAS says the LBS was never around... take a good hard look... could you have done better...? And then make a point of doing better in that area, if there is validity... .
That is where I get stuck sometimes. In our R every time she would say she was thinking of leaving I would cave and take all the blame it of fear. Then she would say she never really meant it. So, it's hard for me to distinguish what the legitimate problems are. Trying to pinpoint exactly what she was unhappy with is a difficult task. Keep in mind that, multiple times, I offered to leave and let her have everything (except we would split the kids) while I paid for EVERYTHING. I told her she wouldn't have to work at all. I just want her to be happy. Every time she turned it down and told me she was happy. Now she says that I basically pushed her out of the house and she's been unhappy for years. That being said, I know I did something, imnjust not sure what.
I suppose this is one of the reasons that we need to make changes for ourselves and not for our S. What I'm trying to do is identify things about me that I wish I would have done different in the marriage. I keep in mind some of her complaints and decide if that is the man I really want to be. Then I work on those.
Another thing I am doing is taking the complaints that I am not sure are valid and deciding if that's something I can live with. Like MDW said in DR, 60% of things married people fight about are unresolved throughout the marriage. So, what little annoyances about her am I willing to overlook? Is changing what annoy her about me really a change that goes against who I am as a person of my set of standards? Once I answer these questions I decide if that is something I should change or not. But, does that fall inline with making changes for her? Should I even bother at this point. I'm trying to be positive and I believe in the self-fulfilling prophecy. So, I want to be ready when/if she comes back.
Is that sort of positive attitude healthy though? Am I setting myself up for a major letdown if it doesn't happen? Is there a difference between having hope and expecting (and acting as-if) a certain outcome to come to pass?
I question this because I've had a hard time with all of this. It's been almost two months and I'm finally at the point where I can actually throw myself fully into DB'ing rather than being so emotional that I can barely function.
