I'm so sorry for all you are going through. But be the parent to your daughter (not that you aren't) and be the bigger person with your ex. Someone has to be the hero here.
Hate is like poison that you drink yourself but expect the other person to die.
Anger, hate, unresolved issues - they're killing you. You need to get a grip and not let them finish you. You are still raising children. You need to focus on them. THe divorce and how the 2 most important people in their lives is having a huge toll on your daughter. Both you and she need much more counselling to get through this phase (and it is a phase) and move to the next level. If you can't get control of her at age 9 - let me tell you - the teens will be murder.
I had a happy, loving, well adjusted daughter. Her dad left the week she turned 13. I was left to deal with her outbursts, bad behaviour etc that appeared out of nowhere. He went AWOL. Left it all to me. I spoke to her the other night (10 years later). She was talking about how devestating the divorce was to her. Try to think about your daughter's hurt rather than your own.
And you mention XW's rules about taking away the electronics. First of all - she is spot on in doing this. It is saying "I won't tolerate this bad behaviour". But where are you in this. It should be WE!!!! You and XW - despite your differences - need to co-parent in harmony. YOU need to agree and assist in discipline. (not that you aren't but that statement was telling).
I'm not trying to bash you but your anger here is very evident and there is no room for it right now when your daughter's emotional and physical health are extremely at risk. The parents have to step in and be firm and get this under control right now. Everything else can wait. Because if you don't fix this - nothing else is going to matter.
And how does D12 fit in here. Seems the sun shines on her but maybe that is part of the problem? She is just as affected by it all as D9.
I hope this w/e is better for you. Why not take the girls out and have some fun. And not talk about any of the crap for a while.
