Trying to stay awake as I work overnights this weekend. I'm by nature a morning person so w/o lots of coffee - Val gets extremely grumpy.
Was talking to my best friend today about my family. All of my family lives in Pennsylvania. My m very much separated me from them. I hardly went home or felt like I fit in. I found myself not dealing with their health issues or found myself angry at them. I always felt like it was because I was the "gay" daughter or the "gay" sister.. but I'm not so sure that was the reason. I'm still "gay" after all.. I always felt justified in my actions.
But when my life came crumbling down this past year, they stepped in. It was like our past didn't matter. The fact that I was "gay" didn't matter. They wanted to be there for me and I wanted them to be there.. it was a huge step in a positive direction.
It was a huge step that has drastically changed our relationships.
When my sister found out she was sick.. she did some pretty crazy things. hurt my parents, used alot of us for money. She dipped into drugs, lost her kids. I remember one day saying to her a couple years afterwards "You made your bed, now lie in it".
What an immature self-righteous biatch I was.
Today I realized that in the past 6 months.. I have truly forgiven my sister. We are finally building that relationship that we once had. She is an active part of my life and I am hers.
The same holds true with my mom. It's like my anger seems so silly. It's far better to forgive them and enjoy them than to live being angry at them. That didn't help any of us.
Life is too short for that.
It actually makes the thought of reconcile with my w scary. Like I couldn't have both.. because when I was with her, i didn't. I realize I was part of that problem.. but even now when I got so excited for my sister.. I wanted to text w about it.. then I realized that she would have a negative reaction to it.
I'm even thinking about sitting down with my dad. Next to my w, no one has hurt me as deeply.. I was talking about my w one day to my mom and somehow it switched to my dad (w/o even recognizing it) and I found myself yelling over the phone like the 9 year I was when he walked out.
Kinda creepy how many similarities my w and father have.
But I think I'm finally ready to let that go. I'm thinking about sitting down with him when I go home for Christmas and telling him how him walking out made me feel. Not to throw it in his face.. but I think I need to tell him so I can stop punishing him for it. If I stop punishing him for it.. I can heal.. and if I heal.. I can forgive.
The thought of moving home to be closer to the family bounces around in my head. I sit here crying to them about my pain and my mom and sister never tell me how they are doing.. they tell me I have too much on my plate. They don't want me to worry.
Thanks pretty f-ing loving.
But I'm not blind.
I know they are in pain and I kinda want to be there. My mom always acts so strong, but she isn't doing good. I'm starting to ask myself if my career is really worth not being part of their lives. It's not like the doctors said 6 months to live but their time is limited. Will I look back and say - I don't regret moving to LA or will I say - I wish I would have been home to enjoy those last 3 years with them??
I don't have the answer to that question anymore.
Just alot of new feelings for me. I've been homesick for the past 2 wks. I haven't felt that in 10 yrs.
Wanting to forgive and love instead. I want to do that with w too but I just don't know if that's possible while I'm still hurting and going through a D.. but I know it will be possible one day.
Anyway.. that's what's going on in my head at 1 in the morning.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
