Do I stay or do I go?

[anyhope]

Just came across this, thought I'd share it.. It's titled Broken Hearts Don't Beat

sometimes, it's morning. and i've forgotten to brush my hair again. or how to tie my shoes or what my name sounds like. and that i don't believe in anything anymore. and that's when i realize that i'm losing little pieces of myself to you.

and the tip of my tongue is stained with the taste of stale paint from the renovating you've done with my mind. and for the next four hundred and seventy three and a half hours i'll be staring at the ceiling. since i'm waiting for your flavor to fade. or maybe i'm just waiting for you to come back to me. since my fingertips are losing their feeling. and the strands of my hairs are splitting. i'm aging in reverse. or fast forward. and the next time you see me, i'll be older than i've ever been before. so press play. since i'm sick of being stuck on pause.

and some days, when i'm waiting for the earth to move again, i count every one of my eyelashes and measure the distance it would take for them to fall so i can calculate all the wishes i'm missing. and in a hundred and fifty one days, maybe i can wish that you never happened or maybe i can wish that you really did love me. and sometimes, i pray since i like the feel of your name in my mouth and the way that pretend tastes and the fact that maybe repeating something is enough to make it true. but the truth is this feeling is the exact opposite of believing.

and right now, i want to be twenty three minutes into forgetting you but instead i'm watching your lies change shape as i go backwards through my memories. i like to watch your carefully pronounced vowels wrap into endless loops where you and i become concentric circles since that's all we are. we'll never touch and we'll never go anywhere again.

but all i am are my words. and sometimes, they're not enough. and maybe i've wasted the last forty seven minutes trying to convince myself that "love" and "in love" are two very different concepts. maybe they're not. and maybe if they are, it doesn't matter. since maybe i say i'm not in love. but i'm a liar. the problem is so are you. you once told me, my heartbeat was your favorite song. well, broken hearts don't beat anyway.

[anyhope]

We went out last night with friends as a group.. Didn't really interact throughout the night. Ow called him just before we left and as a mood setter (for me) he started the conversation with an I love you so much..
I can't remember the last time he told me that.. I do remember years back when I would say to him I loved him and he wouldn't say it back and if I asked why he'd say love is something you feel, not something you have to say to the other all the time, which made sence I guess, except now I hear him say it to her over and over.. And it really really makes me think if he ever loved me.. On the way home it was just the two of us and he had said to me that everything is still the same between us. Same as it's been the last while.. He trusts and respects me deeply and I'm a friend to him like no one else, but he just isn't in love with me anymore.. Needless to say despite all rules given on here the tears just streamed down my face and I wondered for a sec.. Is this MLC? Everything fits the mlc profile perfectly.. Or what if our marriage was just a mistake from the start and it's not mlc, it's just a person really looking inside and realizing he's in the wrong boat..

Well either way.. My emotions were stronger than the brain and insead of agreeing with what I just heard I had to objet to things which turned into a slight argument, but it wasn't anything really serious.

My argument was.. How could he respect me and love me as a friend and still manage to come home one night and announce to his wife (who btw is a really good friend) that he was with a girl.. I mean.. Who does that? (and at the time this happened he really told me this as if he was talking to a friend and expected me not to be bothered, since our relationship was no longer great) I really could not believe it.. And even now when I mentioned this.. I said to him he has to realize that both of us come from homes with loveless, failed marriages. Non of us grew up experiencing what a happy balanced marriage looks like.. With that being said it is very possible that we lack the skills to communicate and make things better, but it doesn't mean we just give up, and change spouses like we'd change a shoe once one is worn out.

He's response... He did the right thing by telling me.. Better than having an affair behind my back. So :)) I said to him.. Did it ever cross your mind that years ago when you started feeling 'no love' for me, you sit me down and break up with me and we cry a little, but still have love and respect for each other..

I can't recall his response, because I may have been already arguing just based on the fact that this option never crossed his mind..

[aeolianchaos]

Hey anyhope..

Is it snowing up there yet, eh?

It does sound like your H has a very unrealistic notion of what it means to be in a committed loving R.

I can't weigh in on the MLC because its not something I know about, but his behavior is pretty odd.

Your argument does have merit and while it perhaps isn't always "DB" keep in mind that DB isn't a set of rules.. it's an approach to dealing w/ relationships that borrows heavily from Brief Solutions Focused Therapy. So.. if that works for you.. well it works. OK.

If it doesn't... try not doing that.

How does this whole experience affect you? Are you able to function well despite this?

[anyhope]

no, not snowing just yet.. Thank God.

I'm doing pretty good now.. I've made lots of progress since it all started.. Really it all became easier when I realized that he won't come back to me and started accepting facts.. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it, really.

I guess there is always some hope hiding somewhere, but for the most part I got myself together. Every so often Id have tears streaming down my face while driving.. Wouldn't really call it crying, as I cried in the beginning.. Doesn't last long, I'm able to wipe the tears away and carry on..

Now with moving date getting closer though it happens more often. I know for a fact I will lose it when I move.. Im trying to prepare myself not to, but I know I'll have a really hard time.

To this day I have a hard time believing that relationships end this way.

Just today I heard him saying to a friend that he wants a baby and he told me not long ago that ow said shell have a baby with him.. I'm not sure if it's for real, the whole situation is just too weird to be true.. If it is I might as well forget him forever. But then.. What 22 year old would have a baby with someone they met 4 months ago.. The girl is kind of odd though, I would not be surprised if she did.

Sometimes he'd try talking about her, only good things.. She is perfect. She's beautiful, intelligent, smart.. I mean shes really all that...

I try to brush it off- can't recognize that person talking to me.. Not appreciating me at all.. I hope he'd at least miss me when ive moved.. Think I should go no contact once I moved to give him time to miss me, but then again, it's not like he cries over me, he's on the phone with ow all the time, for all I know she can move here right after I leave and he just picks up with his new life as if I never happened.

He already asked yesterday if he could take the dog on the weekends. I said he couldn't, he can come to visit sometimes, but I don't really want him visiting.. I think no contact would be best. I told him to get a new dog to go with his new girlfriend..

[luvless]

anyhope....

you really think he wants to end up with a woman with 4 kids?

I think it's time to do some ignoring back.

He's 40 - you're 28...you're already ahead!

Luv

[anyhope]

No.. Ow doesn't have 4 kids.. They've known each other for 4 months. She is 22, almost half his age.. Not sure how familiar you are with the whole story of mine.. About 4 months ago she was just a call girl my husband paid to have sex with.. Today, she is his new love.. and every positive thing in the book you can imagine... I on the other hand don't matter much and he seems to handle our breakup very easily..

I have been told by friends not to worry as I may be even happier with someone else in the future as I'm still young, but it's still my marriage and the man I've been committed to all these years..

I wish I could just have a new love of my own and forget him, let him be with miss perfect and see how far that goes.. Well.. I have no choice but to let them be anyways.. Not like I can stop them..

[abbey1989]

Hi there,

I agree with luvless.....you are ahead. Youth is on your side! I know that probably doesn't make you feel any better, but think about it.

I wish I could just have a new love of my own and forget him, let him be with miss perfect and see how far that goes.. Well.. I have no choice but to let them be anyways.. Not like I can stop them..

OK...first of all....any woman who is paid for sex is NOT "miss perfect". You are right that you can't make him behave and be a good boy, but you still have your dignity. HE DOESN'T.

Keep pushing on. I like it that you told him that he can visit the dog but he should really get his own new dog. Good that he will start to realize your boundaries.

[anyhope]

Last night me and my dog decided to test-drive our new sofabed.. Works great, we're both very happy..
I went to sign the lease agreement for the apartment where they've asked if I could move on the 2nd as they have to paint.. Fine I guess, so one more day here.. What really bothers me though is that he seems to not give a ... about me leaving.. It makes me very sad but at the same time I tell myself, anyone who can let me go like this doesn't even deserve to be with me in the first place.. But of course this is only my own attempt to make myself feel better..
Tomorrow I'll go see a car.. I don't know anything about cars and my budget is very limited, so I'm really hoping I'll be lucky with my purchase.. You need luck buying a used car..
Work is pretty much dead again, but im keeping busy with studying.. I have an exam this weekend. Will see how that goes..
Right now I can hear the love of my life talking to ow online.. Thank god I can't understand what he's saying.. I wish I could fast forward time to somewhere where I have this episode behind me, where all this is just a memory that no longer hurts..

[anyhope]

Slight success I felt tonight. He came home from work and after taking a bath called ow right away. He usually goes to his room to talk to her or outside. Some time later he came out to eat.. Asked me if he could as if he doesn't just eat when he wants to, but ow was still at the other end and he had his headset on.

He said a few unrelated thins to me, so I also said a few unrelated things on my own, some of them funny, so I laughed at my own jokes. My laugh is loud and contagious and he looked at me laughing as well. Shortly after.. And I'm not sure if it had anything to do with it they hung up and he stayed talking to me.

We were discussing costume ideas for Halloween and I pulled out a Minnie mouse costume (I have quite a few costumes that are new) I put it on with high black boots.. It was way too short on me.. I asked him how it looked.. He liked it he said it'd be easy for me to get a date if I want to.. To which I said perfect.. I should wear it then..

Btw I was in a really good mood while putting it on, meanwhile he put on a song.. A typical song that would make me cry while driving.. The lyrics were something like.. I didn't think it would be so hard to end it, say good bye.. I'm not really sure, I've heard the song before, but some of these lyrics only get to me now when they actually mean something. Well anyhow.. From being happy all of a sudden tears appeared and I was wondering if he put on the song on purpose..

I managed to get myself together and show the costume with a huge smile.

We spent some time.. I can almost say together listening to songs and joking.
I asked him later if I could have some of the wine we have (he got it for his birthday last month) he said sure and bought the glasses and wine while ow decided to call. He did not pick up.. Took his time to open the bottle.. She called back a few sec later.. Most likely wondering why he's not answering.. He answered the the second time, but I felt out of this world that for the first time in months he ignored her for a sec for me..

Anyways they were talking for a while.. She asked questions of my dog.. ( I was real mad at this point.. Do not even talk about my dog... ) but I said nothing..

Then while he was talking to her he saw numbers on the wine bottle numbers 666688 and told me how it was the drink of Satan (because of the 6's) I forgot what the conversation went like about the number but we managed to laugh again to which ow hung up... (or the phone got disconnected.. Not sure) I was happy he tried calling her back but the phone was off. He sent her a few pictures by text to which she replied.. Now...

Anyways.. I know it's nothing, but if she felt the slightest jealousy I'm happy.

[anyhope]

Just discovered that ow is coming back Nov 2nd.. Mixed feelings, but why do I care? That's the day I move.. I went to sign the lease the other day and they aske if I could move on the second as the unit has to be painted once the current tenant moves out..

H doesn't know yet.. He never told me ow is coming home one the 2nd. He's suppose to help me move, I wonder what time shes coming, I wouldn't be surprised if he changed his mind about helping.. And wouldn't be surprised if ow moved right in.. That would kill me.. But the fact is after I leave he is a free man to do whatever..

Should I try to reschedule the move for late on the first or leave it for the second?