Well I found out last night thru a mutal friend of mine and my H that my H still wants a divorce. He said that would be the only way we both could start over with each other. We get the divorce, then we can date each other and take things slow and go from there. This does not makes sense to me. Is it that he doesnt want a commitment or is it then he figures if we are not married but dating that he would not have bounderies?
Does anyone have a clue?
I've seen this before. My h said once "if we do divorce I'll just come back and win you over."
He doesn't really recall that. But I KNOW he said it.
Your opinion that he'll never feel regret may be true. But fwiw, those who do reconcile DO feel regret for hurting their spouses/kids.
My h had apologized for "making a huge mistake" and I accepted it. Then about a year later into piecing, we went to Retrovaille. He broke down on the last day and cried hard (NOT something he does)
about the damage to the R"s he had done. We were supposed to use metaphors and analogies and he Said he felt like he had "crashed the family car and everyone was on life support and he wasn't sure if anyone would survive"...
He got it.
If a WAS doesn't get it (not saying "fully" b/c how can they FULLY get it? They are not in our minds/hearts and don't recall things the same anyhow)
but if NO apology was forthcoming, then how would an LBSer feel safe in taking them back? What would make anything different? You both have to change for a restored marriage, and the change begins, right or wrong, with the person posting HERE, the LBSer
but...sadly, your h has a long time pattern of lying and deceit and no remorse, so his behavior continued.
You could say there were no consequwnces but there were, they were the negative kind the kind I used to use on my h. Instead of DOING something for real, I'd give him the cold shoulder b/c he did "not deserve" a warm loving wife...and that pushed him away more. Brilliantly, I kept doing this even though it did not work, b/c I was "right"....
IOW you were cold and hostile to him b/c you didn't trust him (Which WE understand)
but to HIM, you were a reason for his straying even more.
He won't look at who did what first, never mind that! He'll justify the first lies- and getting caught led to you not trusting and snooping and- THAT to him justified his straying , again. He's got a great circle of illogic going for him.
I'd be the best woman you can be, a woman only a fool would leave.
I'd act on the assumption he's gone, but that the man you are losing is a man who cannot be trusted.
And someday if that is disproved, you'll be open to it, but meanwhile you are moving on.
Moving on does NOT = giving up. It means you swim to the other shore without constantly looking over your shoulder to ask "why" he did this or that, and then merely treading water or going under....no, stop looking at HIM or his work (or his undone work)...
You have to get to the other side FIRST and then assess where you are. meaning, work on YOU and what you want to change in YOU not for him...
for you. So it does not matter if he sees the changes. Who cares? They are not for him!
It's his loss, not yours.
You are losing exactly what?
*A man who lied and cheated on a pregnant wife * to whom he wasn't even married for a year. *And he kept it up afterwards... *And it all began before you.
What's he losing?
He's losing the mother of his child, and a lot of access to that child. But he's also losing the woman you're becoming, a happy fulfilled woman who would not dream of snooping b/c the MAN she chooses next, would not need that ever to happen-
and a woman who is smart, fun loving & funny, who loves well & laughs often, who plans for HER future and her child's, a woman who lacks the time or energy for fuming about a man who acts like a dishonest 15 y/o... he's losing
a woman who faces betrayal with a calm dignity,
a woman who will have no regrets when this is over,
for she first protected her child, then herself, and
moved forward with her hardwon lessons learned.
He's losing a happy contented woman who is in charge of her own happiness and is taking charge of it.
That's you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
