Husband Left....

[Accuray]

First of all, the "wipe the slate clean" thing demonstrates quite a bit of immaturity on your H's part. As you point out, it will not wipe the slate clean at all, it will just put you both in a worse-off situation by consuming lots of money, time, and ill-will. Once it's done there's no way you're going to regard each other as if nothing has happened. That plan just doesn't make sense.

WRT how you're feeling, I have a couple thoughts -- when your H leaves you, you feel rejected, and that hurts. It is natural that when your H "rejects" you, you want him back -- for one because you feel it will erase your current pain, and secondly, the fact that you can't have him makes him more attractive! It clouds your judgement.

Please understand that getting him back will not erase your pain. Even if you reconcile you will have to deal with these feelings, and your trust will be shot, which impairs your feeling of safety and security. Therefore, you have to be good with yourself, and OK being alone, even if you reconcile. Know that it is normal that if you do reconcile, you will then question if you still want him back! May be hard to imagine now, but that is also normal.

On the other side, you need to disregard what your friends say entirely. You need to make your decisions based on how *you* feel. Engage your friends for support and to console you, but be skeptical of the advice they give. There's no way they are going to give you good advice unless they understand the joy your H used to give you, how attracted you are to him, and unless they've been through this kind of thing themselves and tried to reconcile. They simply can't walk in your shoes right now, so their advice just isn't that good. My friends, men and women, all said "she's crazy, move your money off shore, get a lawyer, and never trust her again!". That wouldn't have worked out so well for my kids, my financial situation, or my peace of mind. As it turns out, I stuck with it and was able to DB and reconcile.

WRT your H, there are issues there, so I definitely don't think you can take him back unconditionally. You need to GAL, you need to 180, you need to make yourself an attractive partner. If you can do that, then you will have the power you need in the reconciliation to demand some respect. He will need to *want* to be back (versus being half-hearted about it), and you will need to be strong, and not make it easy for him to come back.

I think I recommended "Love Must Be Tough" -- did you get a chance to look at that? As I mentioned, read with caution as some of it is outdated and/or gender stereotypical, but it does specifically deal with the scenario where you have a serial cheater or a husband who likes to "cake eat", and does not show your marriage the proper respect. That seems to be the case here, and you don't want him to come back and continue those behaviors.

It sounds like he's calling all the shots right now -- don't let him. Don't go along with his plans, don't agree to do what he says with your R. "Go dark" and do your own thing, unless it has to do with your child. This will make him wonder what you're doing and why, and that's what you want.

Here's the other thing -- if you read, research, and self-improve, you may be able to change your relationship entirely through your own efforts. If you understand how to make him feel loved, and approach with a positive attitude, then his attitude and approach must change in response. If you can make the relationship very good for both of you, there is no way he will want to risk that by flirting or messing around outside, but he will have to understand the consequences, and that you don't give second chances!

Be tough Hopeful, you will come through this stronger than you were before, and you will be fine with or without H. The decision to take him back is yours too, not just his.

Accuray