At this point, my door isn't closed to him. I'm not going to be sitting around waiting for him to change his mind though. Life does and will go on, whether he is there or not.
Please know that I say this with no expectations: Maybe once he PCS's to KY, he'll finally have a chance to feel the loneliness that he has brought on himself. Right here, right now, he is having the time of his life. He can go out and party whenever he wants. He can drink to his heart's content. He can boink whomever he wants. He isn't taking responsibility for his children. He's living it up - just as a man that's acting as if he is 18 should do. Ugh. So yeah, once he leaves behind these fake friends, who will be there for him? Not many. He has cut off contact with everyone in his life who cares about him... his parents, grandparents, siblings, *real* friends, etc etc. And it's Fort Campbell we're talking about here... I imagine that he will be deployed shortly after he gets there. Wonder how it will feel to have no "rock" standing for him back home. How sad.
Again, I hold no expectations. No, I do not want to end our marriage, but I must take the steps needed to move on. I need a new life for myself. I will spin wheels no more.
The reason he told others you are seeing OM is, I THINK, b/c he's with OW and knows it looks bad.
So he made up OM for you. Plus in the military adultery is still a crime and doesn't help one's career much either.
Yes. He's trying to validate. It's sick.
I think he may miss some of the adrenaline rush of the deployments. I'm familiar with that in my brothers.
He has said multiple times since he started recruiting that he misses regular army. He has been very clear that he is not happy with his current job. When he was being deployed, he felt important - like he was truly serving his country. He feels like a nobody in recruiting.
Anyhow, stop engaging (DBing isn't going to hurt you. You were not detaching and that is what hurt you so much).
You're right. I was telling myself I was trying to detach, but not actually doing it. It's so much harder than it sounds. I'm trying. I really am.
Do NOT apologize for anything anymore. Really, he's not in a position to expect that of you.
I didn't end up apologizing. I haven't even mentioned the argument to him. Yesterday, when he was here, we both acted like it never happened.
he has lied and cheated on you and neglected the boys. Although you probably hurt him a lot when you left back in 05,
I would not expect him to have that kind of awakening. I mean, you said very little about your reasons or anything about how hurt he must have been.
My reason for leaving him was drug-related. I got clean. He brought it back around me. That made me feel like he didn't give a flying you-know-what about me, so I took off.
But you clearly are hurt and so is your oldest child.
If you want to Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth, then stop the accusations and stop the games.
Doesn't mean you shouldn't be mysteriuos-you should be. But your credibility is low now so the more you TALK, the more it'll lose impact.
Say less. Do more.
You're absolutely right. Thank you.
Detach and make plans for moving on. Do NOT say the door is closed or locked, etc. Your letter isn't the type of thing I would write BUT it's also not the type of thing a man would let stop him from trying to regain his family.
What letter? The one I wrote to him a few weeks ago about being "done"? I totally shouldn't have sent it to him, but I was MAD. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have a difficult time not releasing any little emotion. I am learning though. Like Bond said, he knows how to push my buttons. I need to disable those buttons. I need to get to the point where he can push all he wants, but get no response.
If your h wants back in, he can figure it out.
And honestly, would you really just take him back without any effort or counselling?
HE11 NO!! If he changed his mind, it would take him showing me that he is willing to make changes within himself. I would not allow him to just move back in here and act like nothing ever happened. That's what messed us up in the first place. We knew we had problems, but we kept sweeping them under the rug. So yes, we would have to go to counseling, and I would have to see progress before I would even allow him to sleep in our home again.
The more time he spends with OW and her son -whom she does not have with her?? That has surface appeal but reveals deeply flawed character...so
the more you will contrast with her POSITIVELY...
It's so funny how he chose my complete opposite. She is so un-involved in kid's life, it's ridiculous. What I am trying to do is re-find the balance. I can still be a good mom, but my entire life isn't about the kids. They don't define me. I have not only been co-dependent on H, but I have also been co-dependent on the kids. I need to get to know me again.
how?
B/c on one hand he'll know you'd never leave your sons with him full time b/c you are a great mom and that matters!!
Thank you.
AND the NEW YOU will be pleasant and upbeat and FUN, funny, easily laughing and talking with friends about happy future plans,
a woman who at present makes NO demands of him (but the law/finances DO make demands of him. Let the L's handle that so they are separate from you in his mind...that's what they're for).
So you become a woman only a fool would leave.
Other than clearing the way for his R with the boys, set him free to discover that the grass is greener, where it gets the most water.
Love that!
You cannot teach him this. Please don't think that saying things "just right" will make it all right this time.
No one letter or phone call will end or make the m.
Making small incremental but consistent changes, over time, is the way to show you're a different woman.
When he revises the marital history, if it's a bold faced lie (Be sure b/c I once forgot something happened, literally and almost called h a liar til the kids reminded me it happened...) but if you are SURE he's flat out wrong
you can deny a false claim like you didn't cheat.
But for other types of revisions that are wildly OFF, you say "I don't recall it that way at all, but I'm sorry if it hurt you."
And if his revision isn't that off or if you did screw up or missed an opportunity, then you say "Well if I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
Oh, that's good! Thanks.
Both responses are validating his experience and reveal CHANGE IN YOU...and he cannot argue with either. AND they don't escalate, they tend to calm the listener, which is good.
Hang in there, protect yourself and don't think that means you are giving up. Detaching and letting him go is probably the thing most likely to get him back.
It's also the same course of action you need to take for YOUR life to be happy sooner.
What are your 180s and GAL for you now?
Still going to church. Going to my DivorceCare meetings on Wednesdays. Taking the kids out to do fun things. Keeping the house neater. Getting things ready for a yard sale. I've been cooking more (I hadn't felt like doing much cooking over the last month). I would love, love, love to get a life outside the kids, but it's so hard right now since I have no family here to babysit and H won't take them for more than a few hours at a time every other weekend. That's part of why I want to go home so badly: I need my friends and family's help so I can truly start GALing.
Imagine your life in a year or two without h, but happy. Detail that picture.
What's it look like? What can you do to create that, now?
In a couple of years, life without H looks like this: I'll be in school. I'll have a job of some sort (desk job? retail?) to help make ends meet while I'm getting my degree. A typical day would be get up and get the kids ready, go to work, pick them up, enjoy time with them, do dinner, bed, school work. I'll have family to rely on, so I can go out if I choose to. I can go meet new people and make new friends. I'll be independent.
Before I met H, I was very independent. In fact, before he joined the Army, I was supporting him. Between moving around and having kids, I lost that independence. I relied heavily on my H for everything. Independence = happiness for me.
I would not be surprised if he has an "aha" moment down the road, looks up & around and asks, "where is everyone?"
And you'll be at your "home" with the kids living your life. And when he returns from the next deployment, you can see how things go. You can send him "milestone" moments of the kids' first day of school, a team game, etc. No expectations but showing him what he's missing, without being obvious about it. NOT "wish you were here"
but "FYI, son hit a home run today with 2 runners on base, to win the game..."
When he returns, Will YOU be the same woman? How will YOU change your life?
How would marriage to you from this day forward, be better or different?
those are things you can work on, and they are KEY to successful living or reconciling...whereas whatever he's doing/feeling/thinking/planning, are NOT within your control. Letting go of things over which you have no control, is a freeing act. Embrace it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey ellay, Check out your local veterans service office, every county in the country generally has one. What state are you in and what county?
Also, as far as school goes, can you use your husbands post 9-11 G.I. Bill benefits? The housing stipend would be of particular use to you, they can pay for your classes plus pay you that housing stipend. You might want to check this out, he should be able to transfer his benefits to you. This is a major improvement over the old G.I. Bill.
Good luck with everything, keep checking around, call up your county's department of social services to see what else is available. Gunny
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
First off, you need to get back your self-esteem. Whether or not you're going to save your M, you need to save yourself first.
I'll be the first to say that your H is an @$$. He likes pushing your buttons, it's obvious. Right now you need to picture him as something you stepped in and have to wipe off your shoe.
He's shown you no respect and for that, you have a right to be pissed. Protect yourself first. In fact, I would make plans to move back home immediately. You know what he's been doing behind your back and it's going to leave your kids and you out in the cold.
Consult a L to know what your rights are right away. He will start to do more underhanded things, so you want to make sure your assets are protected. You don't want him to start emptying out your savings without you knowing.
We are all here to help you whatever your decision may be, but what you must remember is to not feel guilty about what you're doing.
He is the one causing all of this. Not you. He's going to start pushing your buttons more than ever, just to get a reaction, but don't give in.
When my W was at that stage, I learned to picture her like one of those homeless people who ramble nonsense. I learned to here blah blah blah when she was at her worst and it didn't hut.
You can do it.
Sorry for the hijack, but Bond, on RMs thread you are spot on (and hilarious). Just as I'm about to give up there, then I see your post and I shake myself off and figure if you can carry on, so can I....thanks
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
