The reason he told others you are seeing OM is, I THINK, b/c he's with OW and knows it looks bad.
So he made up OM for you. Plus in the military adultery is still a crime and doesn't help one's career much either.
Yes. He's trying to validate. It's sick.
I think he may miss some of the adrenaline rush of the deployments. I'm familiar with that in my brothers.
He has said multiple times since he started recruiting that he misses regular army. He has been very clear that he is not happy with his current job. When he was being deployed, he felt important - like he was truly serving his country. He feels like a nobody in recruiting.
Anyhow, stop engaging (DBing isn't going to hurt you. You were not detaching and that is what hurt you so much).
You're right. I was telling myself I was trying to detach, but not actually doing it. It's so much harder than it sounds. I'm trying. I really am.
Do NOT apologize for anything anymore. Really, he's not in a position to expect that of you.
I didn't end up apologizing. I haven't even mentioned the argument to him. Yesterday, when he was here, we both acted like it never happened.
he has lied and cheated on you and neglected the boys. Although you probably hurt him a lot when you left back in 05,
I would not expect him to have that kind of awakening. I mean, you said very little about your reasons or anything about how hurt he must have been.
My reason for leaving him was drug-related. I got clean. He brought it back around me. That made me feel like he didn't give a flying you-know-what about me, so I took off.
But you clearly are hurt and so is your oldest child.
If you want to Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth, then stop the accusations and stop the games.
Doesn't mean you shouldn't be mysteriuos-you should be. But your credibility is low now so the more you TALK, the more it'll lose impact.
Say less. Do more.
You're absolutely right. Thank you.
Detach and make plans for moving on. Do NOT say the door is closed or locked, etc. Your letter isn't the type of thing I would write BUT it's also not the type of thing a man would let stop him from trying to regain his family.
What letter? The one I wrote to him a few weeks ago about being "done"? I totally shouldn't have sent it to him, but I was MAD. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have a difficult time not releasing any little emotion. I am learning though. Like Bond said, he knows how to push my buttons. I need to disable those buttons. I need to get to the point where he can push all he wants, but get no response.
If your h wants back in, he can figure it out.
And honestly, would you really just take him back without any effort or counselling?
HE11 NO!! If he changed his mind, it would take him showing me that he is willing to make changes within himself. I would not allow him to just move back in here and act like nothing ever happened. That's what messed us up in the first place. We knew we had problems, but we kept sweeping them under the rug. So yes, we would have to go to counseling, and I would have to see progress before I would even allow him to sleep in our home again.
The more time he spends with OW and her son -whom she does not have with her?? That has surface appeal but reveals deeply flawed character...so
the more you will contrast with her POSITIVELY...
It's so funny how he chose my complete opposite. She is so un-involved in kid's life, it's ridiculous. What I am trying to do is re-find the balance. I can still be a good mom, but my entire life isn't about the kids. They don't define me. I have not only been co-dependent on H, but I have also been co-dependent on the kids. I need to get to know me again.
how?
B/c on one hand he'll know you'd never leave your sons with him full time b/c you are a great mom and that matters!!
Thank you.
AND the NEW YOU will be pleasant and upbeat and FUN, funny, easily laughing and talking with friends about happy future plans,
a woman who at present makes NO demands of him (but the law/finances DO make demands of him. Let the L's handle that so they are separate from you in his mind...that's what they're for).
So you become a woman only a fool would leave.
Other than clearing the way for his R with the boys, set him free to discover that the grass is greener, where it gets the most water.
Love that!
You cannot teach him this. Please don't think that saying things "just right" will make it all right this time.
No one letter or phone call will end or make the m.
Making small incremental but consistent changes, over time, is the way to show you're a different woman.
When he revises the marital history, if it's a bold faced lie (Be sure b/c I once forgot something happened, literally and almost called h a liar til the kids reminded me it happened...) but if you are SURE he's flat out wrong
you can deny a false claim like you didn't cheat.
But for other types of revisions that are wildly OFF, you say "I don't recall it that way at all, but I'm sorry if it hurt you."
And if his revision isn't that off or if you did screw up or missed an opportunity, then you say "Well if I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
Oh, that's good! Thanks.
Both responses are validating his experience and reveal CHANGE IN YOU...and he cannot argue with either. AND they don't escalate, they tend to calm the listener, which is good.
Hang in there, protect yourself and don't think that means you are giving up. Detaching and letting him go is probably the thing most likely to get him back.
It's also the same course of action you need to take for YOUR life to be happy sooner.
What are your 180s and GAL for you now?
Still going to church. Going to my DivorceCare meetings on Wednesdays. Taking the kids out to do fun things. Keeping the house neater. Getting things ready for a yard sale. I've been cooking more (I hadn't felt like doing much cooking over the last month). I would love, love, love to get a life outside the kids, but it's so hard right now since I have no family here to babysit and H won't take them for more than a few hours at a time every other weekend. That's part of why I want to go home so badly: I need my friends and family's help so I can truly start GALing.
Imagine your life in a year or two without h, but happy. Detail that picture.
What's it look like? What can you do to create that, now?
In a couple of years, life without H looks like this: I'll be in school. I'll have a job of some sort (desk job? retail?) to help make ends meet while I'm getting my degree. A typical day would be get up and get the kids ready, go to work, pick them up, enjoy time with them, do dinner, bed, school work. I'll have family to rely on, so I can go out if I choose to. I can go meet new people and make new friends. I'll be independent.
Before I met H, I was very independent. In fact, before he joined the Army, I was supporting him. Between moving around and having kids, I lost that independence. I relied heavily on my H for everything. Independence = happiness for me.
