So much that could be said on your post above... but I will simply say, "I understand... completely..."

Maybe one day, vs2day... but... not today...

Keep doing what you're doing and go at a pace that's comfortable for you... not saying move towards and not saying move away... just... keep moving...

As thought it was a month ago... and life will unfold as it's meant to...

I created a mantra a couple months ago and I try to remember it every time I feel things a little out of control...

"If things weren't exactly the way they are right now, the future would be so much different..."

I hope that makes sense to you... the future will be great for you, because of where you are, right now...