God if I'm feeling this burnt over that convo, I can't imagine what male brain must be feeling - I'm eating carbs. I think he went out to smoke.

But whatever we talked about I've come to the same conclusion - we're on each other's path. There's a reason we came together. Maybe our path does truly "end" here - in the R sense (as we'll always be parents to D)

But I think... what I think about a lot of divorces - we needed to do work - differently from what we did -

I'm disappointed. We had a "contract" when we had D. And while there might be better men out there for me, and better women for him - certainly there are on both ends- I'm confused about this.

I would like to meet someone who can really know me/get me/appreciate me (exBF never made me feel that way - instead he talked and looked constantly at other women and put me down).

And I know exBF would like a woman who goes with the flow and is chill and doesn't yell at him and is independent -

But for some reason, we ended up together - and I can't help but think ... we maybe had a lot to learn from each other. I guess it's sad that it had to end. This way. I don't know about exBF - but I was more than willing to make the changes. I was scared of losing him. And I did.

I know I blamed him a lot (here) but truth be told I also know what I contributed - whether or not I'm willing to admit it. Those are my own demons. And it's a little tough to live with. Esp. being it's my D's father. I didn't want to f up that R of any of them.

I actually asked him if he ever just thought about making himself happy in this R - he said he tried, and that's the only way he got through it at times. He brought up the welding, but then said that was more of an outlet for emotions. So I didn't really hear about him trying to self-soothe or make himself happy - change something in him - other than the outlets.

He said when we first moved in - he really wanted this. We were both really different then. I think we were more truly ourselves - before two years of living h^ll. Where we both resorted to our "lizard brains" (all our worst fears) and our worst selves (him walling off, withdrawing, cursing and sarcastic and nasty to me, ignoring me, porn, ex) and me yelling and desperate and crying.

Truth is though, it was both of us. But now somehow it's still always just me. He's gotta know deep down - well, maybe not, though. Cause in like four hours of conversation - I never heard him say anything reflecting sorry or self-recrimination. So I guess he just sees it as the chemistry of the "we" - that "we together" are this way - not individual contributors and therefore individual solutions.

I know this is redundant, b/c I know DBing is really one person doing the work with the possible outcome that it could be the potential catalyst for a lot of change ...

I guess it is what it is, and I'm not seeing so clearly how there is someone better for me at this point. That's sad. It just reinforces that I think many divorces are frivolous selfish and indulgent. I'm not saying exBF is that. I just found that in our conversation I was having a very hard time being positive - I did frequently mention a wish to move on and settle into my own space and start over. And when I said it I felt energy. But whenever I thought about D in relation to us, there was a lot of resistance in me. I feel sick about that. Selfish about that. Ashamed about that, and like I really just want to curl up and ... IDK. Just not good.

Maybe I just realize that the next step is every other weekend. And that's what this came out to be. A whole three years of insanity - yes, a lot of growth. An amazing beauty of a child. And standard child support, talk of mediation, and every other weekend at dad's 1 bedroom.

Sorry, I'm gonna say it, but that just plain makes me cry.