Thanks, kml. I did beat myself up over my OCD for years, especially when I saw what an effect it made on my W. For many years, she was pretty supportive about it, but towards the end, she became more caustic. She would say things like, "I know that you're capable of controlling your thoughts. You're just choosing not to." She also started to imply that she thought that I never had OCD and that I was calling my problem a disorder so I could "choose" to make getting better harder than it was. As in, "Well, my thoughts are due to OCD, so there's nothing I can do about it."
Funny, this coming from a psychologist on the track to a Ph.D. Then again, I also started hearing this stuff when she got into her "unhappy with our M" phase. Personally, I think that she was feeling heavily like she wanted to bail and felt guilty about that, so she made me out to be some kind of big bad guy when I really wasn't. She was just looking for something to justify her abandoning our M. OM was just a happenstance -- she was going to leave me at some point in some way. Given that many sexual assault survivors fear long-term intimacy, I'm not surprised.
As for the idea of a future with my W, I haven't completely written it off. However, her reactions during this time have really caused me to think twice about whether or not being with her would be detrimental to my own life. It's not as though she was always like this. If she was, I never would have married her in the first place.
I got a text from my W tonight. "I'm stopping by to see the rabbit on Sunday. What time works for you?" I was glad at this text. Given the vicious tone of her e-mail, I expected her to just call and say, "I'm coming over now." Or text me saying, "I'm coming over at such-and-such time. Is that okay? Or will that bother your precious space?" Then again, it has been two weeks, so she has had plenty of time to cool down. Maybe.
When I replied, "In the afternoon," she responded. "Okay. Why doesn't the AM work?" I responded, "Because I sleep late on Sundays," even as I was thinking, "What the *bleep* does it matter?" My first thought was that she was trying to pry into my life some more, see what I had going on. Then again, Sundays were always her day to run around and do errands with her mom, so maybe she thought that the AM would work better. Hard to say what she's thinking. Best not a lot of time spent dwelling on it.
