Thanks, kml. I did beat myself up over my OCD for years, especially when I saw what an effect it made on my W. For many years, she was pretty supportive about it, but towards the end, she became more caustic. She would say things like, "I know that you're capable of controlling your thoughts. You're just choosing not to." She also started to imply that she thought that I never had OCD and that I was calling my problem a disorder so I could "choose" to make getting better harder than it was. As in, "Well, my thoughts are due to OCD, so there's nothing I can do about it."
Funny, this coming from a psychologist on the track to a Ph.D. Then again, I also started hearing this stuff when she got into her "unhappy with our M" phase. Personally, I think that she was feeling heavily like she wanted to bail and felt guilty about that, so she made me out to be some kind of big bad guy when I really wasn't. She was just looking for something to justify her abandoning our M. OM was just a happenstance -- she was going to leave me at some point in some way. Given that many sexual assault survivors fear long-term intimacy, I'm not surprised.
As for the idea of a future with my W, I haven't completely written it off. However, her reactions during this time have really caused me to think twice about whether or not being with her would be detrimental to my own life. It's not as though she was always like this. If she was, I never would have married her in the first place.
I got a text from my W tonight. "I'm stopping by to see the rabbit on Sunday. What time works for you?" I was glad at this text. Given the vicious tone of her e-mail, I expected her to just call and say, "I'm coming over now." Or text me saying, "I'm coming over at such-and-such time. Is that okay? Or will that bother your precious space?" Then again, it has been two weeks, so she has had plenty of time to cool down. Maybe.
When I replied, "In the afternoon," she responded. "Okay. Why doesn't the AM work?" I responded, "Because I sleep late on Sundays," even as I was thinking, "What the *bleep* does it matter?" My first thought was that she was trying to pry into my life some more, see what I had going on. Then again, Sundays were always her day to run around and do errands with her mom, so maybe she thought that the AM would work better. Hard to say what she's thinking. Best not a lot of time spent dwelling on it.
Ha ha, I'm guessing it's the last one. As we know at this point, she is definitely not a wuss -- she will do what she wants and voice her opinion if she feels slighted. I used to admire this trait about her. I considered her to be a "bold" person.
I never was into organized religion much, so it's probably not the second one. I am religious, but I practice in my own way. She has known this for years.
It's funny just how focused she has been on my dating life. Like I've said, she has asked if I have been dating anyone nearly every single time that I talk to her. However, her tone is not, "Gosh, I hope he's not dating anybody." It's more like, "Crimony, isn't he dating yet?" When she gave me that nasty phone call, she literally told me to go out and start dating other people in frustration.
Why is she so focused on my dating life? Two guesses: either she has found total contentment with OM and wants me to stop envisioning a future with her anymore, OR she feels guilty about what she's doing and thinks that if I'm dating other people, the guilt will go away.
My guess? I'm going with the latter. Unless she is a robot and literally has no heart, she HAS to be feeling guilt about this. There's no way she can't be feeling guilt. She did before for a short time, and guilt like that doesn't just disappear. It just gets buried or projected onto someone else (namely, me!). Also, I don't think things with OM will last. From what I hear, he has a bad track record with R's.
A question, before I forget: Has anybody heard many stories about WAS's feeling like they want to marry the OM? I can't help it -- her comments about marrying the guy have really bothered me, even though deep down I know that the statistics of that happening are very much against. To me, I've heard a mixed bag. Sometimes the WAS claims that the OP is their "soul mate" and wants to run away with them, other times the WAS knows that the R will never last but still feels lots of ambivalence over who they want to be with.
I know that I don't NEED reassurance on this matter but...it just helps, I guess.
I'm glad that I caught this before anybody replied. Basically, I recant a lot of my last post. I don't need any reassurance. It seems like I'm still focusing way too much on my W. I'm really getting sick of doing that. She's not in my life anymore, so why bother?
It hit me in a flash as soon as I got back to work: I really have no control over this. I can DB as best I can, but what happens happens. I can't control my W. I can't control my future. I can't control the world. So why not just let it go? I don't know why it took that long to sink in, but it just did. It felt incredibly freeing. Need to go practice the Serenity Prayer for a while. It is a good one.
Tonight, I'm planning on going out somewhere nice to eat. I deserve it. And my W is in town, so I want to be plenty out and about while she's here. Don't want her thinking that I'm just sitting around on my keester. Heck, don't want to be sitting around no matter what W thinks!
Well, things have taken a turn. I was out shopping after work when my W texted me. This was the exchange:
W: Hey would it be ok if I came over later this evening? I'm going to see my granny tomorrow.
Me: Sure. What time?
W: Um like 6 or 7? Also do you want to have dinner or something? I feel like some kind of closure would be good.
Me: Nah, that's fine. I've got dinner plans, but I'll be back in time. Just stop by.
W: What dinner plans do you have?
Me: Going to a party.
W: Ok so then what time works for you.
Me: Closer to 7.
W: Well if I'm eating at my parents house we eat at seven.
Me: What are you doing Monday?
W: I'm flying home early in the morning.
Me: Ah, I see. Well, in that case, maybe we could get something to eat. I'll just eat light at the party.
W: Ok I'll be there around 6. We can just order pizza if you want so it'll be fast.
Me: Sounds like a plan.
W: Ok see you then.
Post-text analysis: Did she finagle me good with yet another power play? Yes, I believe she did. She didn't want to just stop by for a couple of minutes; she wanted to poke some more into my life and keep tabs on me.
TBH, I just didn't feel like fighting her about it. I went with my instincts. After all, after this visit, I doubt she'll be very much in my life anymore aside from business about the D, so if she wants to have some pizza, why not indulge her? It's not like my progress can't be regained if this turns out to be a mistake.
So later I'll post about what happened during this little "closure dinner." Not going to lie, my heart sank a little when she wrote that, but not nearly as much as it would have a month ago. For one thing, the future's still wide open. Whatever she says or thinks now may change. I have learned at this point that the words of WAS' are not to be taken as the gospel.
For another, I'm honestly contemplating a happy life without my W. I never thought that I would make it to this point so soon, but I feel as though my little "epiphany" yesterday was me reaching the "acceptance" stage of my loss. I mean, heck, do I really want to have an R with someone who has turned out the way that she has? There's got to be somebody better than that out there for me. If it's not my W after all, I'm looking forward to finding this person.
*shrug* I don't know how to feel. My feelings about everything may change in a week or a month. I am human, after all. We will see where the breeze of life carries me.
I'm honestly contemplating a happy life without my W. I never thought that I would make it to this point so soon, but I feel as though my little "epiphany" yesterday was me reaching the "acceptance" stage of my loss. I mean, heck, do I really want to have an R with someone who has turned out the way that she has?
YES!
As I mentioned before - my advice to a young person without kids is different than it would be if you'd been married a very long time or had children involved. She has been showing you who she is when the chips are down, and really, is that the person you want by your side years from now, when you get cancer or a child gets sick or you lose a job or....whatever happens?
You're doing the hard work of learning what you have to work on in yourself. You're likely to make healthier choices in future relationships.
Own your own stuff, feel free to apologize for your role in the breakdown of the marriage if you think that will give her "closure". Just don't get sucked in, stick to the high road and don't feel like you have to engage in any conversations you don't want to.
(Btw, I love the fact that you're going to a party and therefore couldn't be too available. Make sure you're dressed to kill too )
Well, I just got done with the "closure." Wow, what a night. I don't even know where to go with this.
W stopped by. She took a look around the apartment, saw the rabbit, then sat down on the couch. I sat down on the couch, too. After a while of making just light conversation, she said, "You don't want me here, do you?" I said that yes, I did want her here. (I didn't want to be cold. It didn't feel right.)
We began to discuss my recent decision to go dark. She still thinks it's selfish and that my going dark is a sign that I'm too "immature to handle what's happening." I continued to reiterate why I've been doing it: because the fact that she is with OM bothers me. She asked why, and I answered, "Why wouldn't it bother me?" She maintained that I've always been selfish in our R and that this was just a continuation of that selfishness.
She angrily told me what she had been told by her lawyer (the same guy who took care of her accident lawsuit). Even though we split the money unevenly in the beginning, money doesn't matter when it comes to law -- assets do, however. And I have all of the old furniture which was bought with her student loans. She apparently has records of all of this. Basically, she said that she didn't want to have to screw me in court, but she felt that my cutting her out of my life gave her no choice.
Then the tone changed. Her anger started to slip away into sadness, and she started to cry. So did I. Couldn't help it. We were connecting, and it didn't feel wrong. W apologized for having an A on me. She said that out of our entire R, that was the one mistake that she made. She said that she was unhappy at the time and didn't know how to handle it. I was happy that she apologized for this and admitted that it was wrong for once.
She also explained why OM is so important to her. (She says that there are problems, but that things with him will probably work out.) She said that she was sexually frustrated toward the end of our R because I never touched her or because I was often hesitant in my actions -- OM knows what he is doing. She said that she waited for years for me to change and that I never changed enough -- OM changed as soon as she told him what upset her about him. She said that she couldn't stand the fact that I constantly mentally compared her to every other woman on the planet -- OM doesn't seem to even register other women. She said that he thought that she was the most beautiful woman in the world when he met her and that it devastated him when he found out she was married.
W asked if the reason that OM bothers me is because I still love her. I admitted that I still have feelings for her. W said that she hasn't loved me for a long time. She also told me a deep, dark secret, one that I had not known prior to this. At our wedding, while she was reciting her vows, she had started to cry. Everyone had assumed that it was because she was so happy. W admitted that she had been crying because she knew that she was making a huge mistake. No one but OM and I knows this.
W said that she is happy with OM and that he is everything that I should have been to her. However, she also admitted that there is a lot that was good about our R. She said that she knew that I helped her through grad school, that I helped her with her PTSD and panic attacks, that I was very supportive of a lot. She said that we were great friends and that she doesn't want to lose that part of us. She said that the one thing that she misses the most about us is how we laugh. W and I had the closest sense of humor ever. Only we really got our jokes.
W mentioned her parents. Said that they were hurt that I was cutting them out of my life, too. Also said that they were supportive of her choice to D me and be with OM. I told her after her telling me about the "crying" secret that I wish we'd never been married -- that I felt bad that so many people had come to it only for it to go to hell less than two years later. W said that she felt the same way and told her parents about it, but that they said that it didn't matter, that she should just do what makes her happy. She mentioned that the other night at dinner, her parents said that they were proud that she was finally doing something that made her happy.
W said several times that she would be the best thing that ever came along to me. She said that she thought that I probably would find another woman who would be a "better fit" for me, but that she still wouldn't be nearly as good as her. She said that whoever I find will truly be "the most beautiful girl in the world" to me. That negative thoughts about this girl's appearance would never even occur to me.
After all of this, I tried to remain adamant on my original stance of darkness, but I began to feel ambivalent. For one thing, I started to feel terrible. As horrible as W's decision was to D me and have an A, I started to feel very responsible for the pain that I had caused her through my mistakes, which were legitimate. Also, I began to feel as though DB-ing in the hopes of getting her back was becoming pointless. That she had really left the R for good, so what point was there in stonewalling her anymore?
Finally, I settled with, "This is how I feel for now. I don't know what I'll feel like in the future." W told me that she hopes that I can get over how OM makes me feel because she doesn't want to lose us completely. She said that she understands that I need space now and that she will give it to me. She also said that she would appreciate some money for the furniture, although I made it very clear to her that I barely have enough to pay for bills and food.
The very last thing I told her was, "I have to think about things. This was a lot. I need to process this. I'm the type of person who needs to process things." She said that she understood. She asked if I wanted to get something to eat or if she wanted me to leave. I suggested getting a pizza, but she said that she was going to leave and get some McDonalds by herself instead. She asked if she could come back in December to see the rabbit again. I said sure.
I said that I was thinking that I should go visit her parents because I was concerned that they were hurt about my behavior. (This is why I had sent that "This-is-how-I'm-doing" e-mail to them.) My W told me not to. She answered that "They were hurt at first, but now I think that they need their space." She seemed very adamant that I not visit them, so I said okay. I'll admit, it seemed very suspicious.
Then she left.
------------------------------------
So there we have it. A very emotional night. To be honest, I really don't know what to do right now. Is DB-ing in the hope of getting her back even worth it? Or is the best thing for me to really let her go from my heart? On one hand, I am remaining skeptical of a lot about what she said. After all...she's the best thing that will ever come my way? I mean, are we full of ourselves or what? And as for the thing about her needing to feel like the only girl in the world to whoever she's with...
I'll admit, I need a woman's opinion on that one. To me, it seemed incredibly insecure for her to need to feel like that. It always seemed as though most couples understand that sometimes you'll see people who you might think would be more attractive in a different life, but that you love your S so much that it doesn't matter.
On the other hand, I'm getting where she felt upset in our R. I understand it more and feel very hurt that she feels hurt. I wish that I could just take it all away; that I could have been different. Now, I'm starting to feel that there's really no hope. That it would just be better for me to let her be with someone else who has the capability of making her happier than I ever could.
As for OM, it's hard to say what's real or not. I must admit that the fact that he horned in on her even though she was married really said a lot about his character. Still, she seems to really believe that he's a wonderful guy and that he is making her feel better than I ever did. Her behavior tonight did not seem "fog"-like. I'm wondering if he really is as great as she says.
I'm also questioning my darkness. I really did it because I thought that it was the best thing for me, but she seems convinced that it's terribly selfish of me. Like now I'm cutting her off after all of the stuff that I did or didn't do in the R. Not only that, but it's causing a very negative reaction. DR had a passage about not doing something if it's causing a negative reaction in your S. Oh, what to do?
Gosh...what a night. I'm going to eat something, then go to bed. It's all I have the strength for.
That is a lot to process, and good for you for asserting your need to do so. You were honest about what you needed and I respect that.
I could see easily obsessing over this even if you didn't already have a tendency to do so. I would try and compartmentalize this one for a while.. let your subconscious mind work through it before you start applying yourself to it.
I don't want to speak to any of the rest of it, just because I feel like it would stimulate more thinking..
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
It seems to speak to almost everything that my W and I discussed last night. The justifications...the blame...the demonizing...the need for me to not only accept all of the blame for the dissolution of our M but to also openly embrace her new life and be happy for her...
(She did say, "You should be happy for me." Rather than say, "I'm happy that OM is treating you so much better," I simply said, "I'm happy that you're happy." I also apologized for hurting her self-esteem and not changing enough when she began to communicate dissatisfaction in the months leading up to the A and S.)
Most of all, I identify with the sense of my reality being distorted like a piece of salt-water taffy. I no longer know what's real and what's not. The only other person who would know what our R was like is saying that it was a bust, that I was a selfish person the entire time, that I never met her needs, that she's much better off being with OM...
...though I feel strongly that she's distorting and rationalizing things to justify her new R, I can't readily disagree with a lot of the grievances she has discussed with me. I would really hate to think that my darkness/L-LRT will turn out to be just another "selfish" act on my part...I really just want to do the right thing for me, for her, and for her family...
*pinches bridge of nose with thumb and forefinger, shuts eyes in frustration*
I need to go back to bed. Sunday should be my day of rest.
)