Hi mom, I'm both glad and sorry that some of what I said resonates with you. Be encouraged, you can love your husband and hate his drunkeness and every(bad)thing associated with it.
Drunkeness is a more effective and precise term whenever the subject is emotion laden. The ever so sophisticated "alcoholism" allows me enough room to equivocate intellectually with people who are willing to allow me to dis-connect from the moral responsibility that is mine alone in 'it'.. I don't mean I need to be reminded of it.. unless I'm projecting the responsibility for my own behavior onto someone/something other than myself.
Please know that I am trying to point you toward a needed objectivity, about the addiction itself in your situation, by offering you a subjective, but reliable, perspective from that of an alcoholic/addict.
If his change in attitude seems to have precipitated soon following his completing the program, you're thinking sounds spot on.["he's scared".. {and probably should be.. but just a little.}] If a guy's circumstance is such that he merited his seat in an 18 mo. program, he's heavily invested.
There are a lot of bright clouds in treatment. People are attempting to change the script of their lives. They are seeking a new paradigm. We're absolutely exhilarated by the fact that even people with long established and very serious substance abuse issues can regain their equilibrium (sobriety) and have a productive and gratifying life.
That and the clear blue sky.
But we tend to put too much faith in, our 'recovery program', 'relapse prevention plan', 'AA group' or any other thing. It can [and does] have a marginalizing effect then, when we form an self-identity defined by it.
What I mean is: I don't identify myself inwardly as a drunken dope-fiend (it's a self-fulfilling prophecy) unless,
1)-I am that today, ~or 2)-I find compelling reason.. like another human being who is impacted by this stuff.
Please don't get me wrong; those things are good tools. But for example, tools didn't build my deck.. I did (*and I need a space to exist in). I didn't need any one specific tool.. I needed specific kinds of tools.
It's a subtle difference; but in terms of my identity, the difference is *profound. And that is what is impacted when the rehab honeymoon ends.
Fear doesn't always feel like fear though. Sometimes a guy can't recognize it even though it's thrashing him about the head and shoulders. It often feels like depression/ anxiety/ anger. It flips a switch. Projection is a fear driven behavior. So is lashing out in anger all the time.
When he told you that he, 'had no plan', I know it was couched in a personal context between you two. But if you can, consider this: He has no plan.
He's struggling for traction. Plans might come a mile a minute for me when I'm forming my irrational rationale, so I can get buzzed.. but forming productive plans that might truly be beneficial for myself, my family and outwardly, well yeah.. we all know that takes commitment, work and patience just to form a workable plan.. much less executing it.
Let him bluster; he's going to anyway. Let him know (know) that you are not leaving him; but you've already left his drunkeness permanently... You can even use words if you need to, to communicate that.. but only if you need to
;- )
Addictions are subtle. Form your own paradigms; but perhaps something like a retrovirus, it can lay dormant in the DNA for a lifetime... or..
maybe a predatory animal; they can be very still before they pounce. That's why I don't identify inwardly as a drunken dope-fiend.. I don't engage the beast without compelling cause--
Be well, this too will pass. You are not alone; neither is your husband. [I expect he's probably a pretty good egg.. seems to have a nice lady that cares for him; that says a lot.]
