I sent MIL flowers

[25yearsmlc]

here's what you said about him and it's not just the crime he committed that struck me, or that his work caught him doing it and that you warned him of it and fired him...

it's the guilt YOU say he does not feel, but then you claim that's what got him home,

My personal claim about guilt, which I stand by, is that it has never gotten a spouse home and restored a marriage.

Has remorse or guilt ever made someone return to try again at a r? Of course!

But then there were other things that cropped up when they tried. They rediscovered enough joy in the m to stay, or they got enough out of the r's with the kids, etc.

But I cannot imagine guilt itself, keeping a man home. Nor would I want him there...I have my dignity. I don't want pity or guilt to be in my h's heart, I want love and respect. That's what lasts, imo.

he owned a bread route and i would help him once in awhile ( i always loved helping him no matter what we were doing together), we would go to the grocery store where he delivered, all the woman would flirt with him like i wasnt there. we also owned a health club, the woman there would flirt with him,

you sure it was flirting or just normal socializing and helping business?


and one asked him to come to her apt. to help her hang curtains and he went. i found out about that about 3 yrs ago. i didnt trust her.

that's not cool...


if we were in the car and i was freezing he wouldnt put the heat on for me or if he had the ac on, and i was cold he didnt care, he only cared about his comfort . if we went shopping he would hand me the bags to carry because he didnt want to carry them.

maybe he had his reasons (sore back?) but on the surface that seems selfish. My h carries the bags b/c he's gallant, and we adjust heat/cooling for mutual comfort. Nothing heroic, just normal courtesy.

when i first met him he got us into legal trouble, he always twisted things around in his head that what he was doing was ok, he never had guilt about anything , which i thought was not normal.

The crime is one thing but you now dismiss it as "long ago." fair enough.

But the "twisting around in his head...never had guilt..." means he rationalizes well. See, That's another reason I'm not sure he came back to you for guilt b/c you say he didn't seem to feel it...

but perhaps b/c he wasn't sure of what he wanted then, or didnt' know what it would cost.
But so far it hasn't cost him much right? I mean he lives with OW at his mom's and so that's pretty low cost and if you sell the house then he gets half the equity right? or do you not own the home you are in? In any event, the present situation is one in which he pays little to live w/OW and didn't you say she's divorced now? She may get some alimony from her xh that will end when she remarries...fyi


another time i had a really good job and he did something illegal even though he got warnings from the co. to stop doing it, and i too, told him to stop, but he wouldn't. he could have gone to federal prison because of it, but they let him quit instead.

is this is a separate crime from the one he did when you first met that you mention above??

Does this sound like a narcissist?

RM,

let's talk about YOU and not him for a bit.

You had a rough early life from your own description. I think you said you were never happy til you met h.

Though I have a hard time believing that, literally, I think you fear it's true.

It's like you really don't know if you can be alright without him but now

you are starting to feel so uncomfortable in your present sitch that you are willing to make a move.

I hope your faith allows you to realize you do not need your h to be happy.

Faith, family and a few good friends are enough for most people.

I'm sorry your background had such deficits.

But if you could work on THOSE, filling them in yourself, learning to make yourself happy and doing what it takes, then imo, all aspects of your life would improve.

It's terrible to allow bad times from our earliest years to lock us up in misery for our whole lives. that's decades...

Reminds me of My mil's family. They were Russian and her mother has a terrible childhood with revolution, starvation, firing squads, etc. Anyhow, she told me of a sad event that happened to her when she was dancing at the age of 3 or 4 y/o. B/C of that event, she never danced again. She told us this story all the time as if she had proved something to someone...or had "shown them" but she never realized that all she had done was, NEVER DANCE...

I mean, she cut her nose off to spite her face? It was such a clueless thing for a smart woman to say but she died at age 96 never having danced. Just...think about it.

I hope you keep working on you, whether your h looks your way or not. At least if you've done the work and he wants back in, you'd be different and maybe this time things would last.

OR maybe you'll see him in a new light and realize there are reasons you are not with him.

I DO see some progress in your outlook.

VC I know you want her with him, but really, at all costs? I can't abide by that.

Finally, when you texted him, which I know you felt the need to do, why'd you speak for your son? Why not just talk about your own pain?

First, Your son is plenty old enough to speak for himself AND he has a decent R with h anyhow. They spend time with each other and he can tell his dad what he wants to tell him.

I think you did it b/c you feared that your pain alone wasn't enough for your h.

That makes me sad for you.

Let's work on you getting well RM, and then the chips might fall in place.