WAH - It's getting ugly

[25yearsmlc]

Agree with Bond.

The reason he told others you are seeing OM is, I THINK, b/c he's with OW and knows it looks bad.

So he made up OM for you. Plus in the military adultery is still a crime and doesn't help one's career much either.

I think he may miss some of the adrenaline rush of the deployments. I'm familiar with that in my brothers.

Anyhow, stop engaging (DBing isn't going to hurt you. You were not detaching and that is what hurt you so much).

Do NOT apologize for anything anymore. Really, he's not in a position to expect that of you.

he has lied and cheated on you and neglected the boys. Although you probably hurt him a lot when you left back in 05,

I would not expect him to have that kind of awakening. I mean, you said very little about your reasons or anything about how hurt he must have been.

But you clearly are hurt and so is your oldest child.

If you want to Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth, then stop the accusations and stop the games.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't be mysteriuos-you should be. But your credibility is low now so the more you TALK, the more it'll lose impact.

Say less. Do more.

Detach and make plans for moving on. Do NOT say the door is closed or locked, etc. Your letter isn't the type of thing I would write BUT it's also not the type of thing a man would let stop him from trying to regain his family.

If your h wants back in, he can figure it out.

And honestly, would you really just take him back without any effort or counselling?

The more time he spends with OW and her son -whom she does not have with her?? That has surface appeal but reveals deeply flawed character...so

the more you will contrast with her POSITIVELY...

how?

B/c on one hand he'll know you'd never leave your sons with him full time
b/c you are a great mom and that matters!!

AND the NEW YOU will be pleasant and upbeat and FUN, funny, easily laughing and talking with friends about happy future plans,

a woman who at present makes NO demands of him (but the law/finances DO make demands of him. Let the L's handle that so they are separate from you in his mind...that's what they're for).

So you become a woman only a fool would leave.

Other than clearing the way for his R with the boys, set him free to discover that
the grass is greener, where it gets the most water.

You cannot teach him this. Please don't think that saying things "just right" will make it all right this time.

No one letter or phone call will end or make the m.

Making small incremental but consistent changes, over time, is the way to show you're a different woman.

When he revises the marital history, if it's a bold faced lie (Be sure b/c I once forgot something happened, literally and almost called h a liar til the kids reminded me it happened...) but if you are SURE he's flat out wrong

you can deny a false claim like you didn't cheat.

But for other types of revisions that are wildly OFF, you say "I don't recall it that way at all, but I'm sorry if it hurt you."

And if his revision isn't that off or if you did screw up or missed an opportunity, then you say "Well if I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

Both responses are validating his experience and reveal CHANGE IN YOU...and he cannot argue with either. AND they don't escalate, they tend to calm the listener, which is good.

Hang in there, protect yourself and don't think that means you are giving up.

Detaching and letting him go is probably the thing most likely to get him back.

It's also the same course of action you need to take for YOUR life to be happy sooner.

What are your 180s and GAL for you now?

Imagine your life in a year or two without h, but happy. Detail that picture.

What's it look like? What can you do to create that, now?