I was DB'ing but just discovered an affair

[NTX_Dad]

A little update / journaling...

The stbx and I had a lot of contact this past weekend and it was all very pleasant... perhaps too pleasant.

This past weekend was to be my first full weekend alone away from the stbx and D8 since they moved out Sept 1st. I got home from work on Friday, mowed the lawn, cleaned up, and within 30 minutes I felt bored, lonely, and lost. I had been enjoying the alone time earlier this month, perhaps because I was in denial or maybe in shock.

Anyway, I tried to keep busy watching TV and relaxing on the patio and around midnight I got a text from the stbx asking if I was still up.

I agonized whether to respond immediately but since it was so late, I felt that something might be wrong.

After 15 minutes I responded that I was indeed up, and she then asked if her and my D8 could spend the night. I asked her why she would want to do that and she replied that they were down the street at a restaurant close to the house and that she was too tired to drive to her apartment which is 10 miles away. I assumed that really meant she had too much to drink, since we used to like to drink lots of beer there when we would go together.

I then scolded her for having our D8 up and out so late and she said that she was actually at a neighbor's house and that she was at the restaurant with her team.

What I should have offered was to get my D8 and tell my stbx that she's on her own, but of course I am too nice of a guy and still love her, so I told her to come on over.

They arrived, we put D8 to bed, and her and I stayed up for 15 minutes and talked. It was pleasant and I was glad to see her since I hadn't seen her in a few days.

She went to the guest room to sleep and I went to bed.

The next morning I got up early and went outside to trim the bushes. It was a FIVE HOUR project!!

She came outside to chat occasionally and they hung around the house all morning and afternoon. Later in the afternoon she asked me if I wanted to go to a baseball game as a family and I said sure. When I was done with the yard work and cleaned up, she informed me that she could only find two tickets and didn't know if she should buy them or not. I told her to go ahead and take D8 since it's her weekend anyway. She said she felt bad but went ahead and bought them. About 30 minutes later she told me the plans changed and that she found a sitter for D8 and that her and I were going. I was stunned, excited, and confused all at the same time. We went to the game and had a BLAST... we even got on the jumbo tron! LOL

After the game we stopped at a sports bar for a quick bite to eat and talked quite a bit... it was all nice and pleasant. We even discussed how well we were getting along and how much fun we were having.

We got home and they spent the night again.

On Sunday morning they hung around the house again and left about noon to clean up and go to a birthday party. After the party, they showed up at the house again and we ended up going out for dinner. And they spent the night again for the third night in a row.

Even on Monday, they came to the house after school and work, we went out to eat, and then they left to go to the apartment. We sat in a booth during dinner and she sat very close to me and our arms and bodies touched quite a bit.

There was never any talk about reconciliation or anything else serious, we just were ourselves and had fun. However at one point last night before leaving, she mentioned that we needed to work on our inventory for the attorneys.

I am not sure how to interpret the past 4 days. There was a lot of fun, pleasant conversation, and plenty of physical touch, but she mentioned the inventory and once she mentioned moving into another apartment.

I really enjoy all positive contact with her since I still love her, but I sometimes wonder if I should just block her off and detach more. We sometimes go a few days with minimal contact and I start to feel detached in a good way, but then I let her walk back into my life for a few days... and when we have fun, I start to get attached again.

Oh, on another positive note, she finally went to the family doctor yesterday to talk about her unhappiness and rage. I've been telling her all summer that something was "off" and that her personality changes sometimes at the snap of a finger. When she stopped by last night, I didn't ask what the outcome was since I didn't want to appear to be gloating that she finally went.

[ncl]

Just checking on you and wondering how things went on your anniversary. I have been trying to decide what advice to give you based on your wife's actions, but honestly, I'm truly stumped! She seems to want to be with you but at the same time she's trying to move forward with the divorce. What does your therapist think about this? Have you considered speaking to a DB coach?

I'm glad that y'all did have a good weekend and that she went to the doctor. I'm hopeful for all of you that her moods will stabilize.

Take care...hugs, lc4

[NTX_Dad]

I bit of an update and journaling:

Our anniversary was Wednesday and I was really torn about what to do, and decided to remain NC as long as I could stand it. Well it didn't take long and around 9am the stbx texted me and wished me a happy anniversary. I couldn't help but reply back and wish her the same. She then admitted she was sad and I told her I was too and that just texting her was making me tear up. She said she cried at work a few times as well... so we pretty much ended the texting after that.

Later in the afternoon against my logic, my emotions prevailed and I invited her and my daughter to dinner... nothing fancy and no fan fare, just to see each other. She eagerly accepted.

The dinner started off ok but the mood quickly changed when we found out her friend's father had just passed. Our D8 played on her iTouch and the stbx became pretty quiet and was texting a lot. We talked some but the mood was definitely changed for obvious reasons.

One thing that struck me was that I couldn't help but imagine she was actually texting a guy... perhaps the one that I suspected she was having the EA with. It probably wasn't the case, but I couldn't help it. And then it struck me. If I can't trust her anymore then is this worth fighting for?

We got back to the house and the stbx decided it was too late to drive to their place and still do homework, so she wanted the D8 to stay at the house. The D8 became upset from the last minute change and had a melt down. She said this whole sitch was stressful to her and that her life stunk because of the divorce. I agree but kept my mouth shut and just kept reassuring her that we both love her.

The stbx had to leave to let the dog out, so D8 and I did the homework and went to bed.

As I lay there, I wondered why the stbx changed plans suddenly and left D8 with me, and my imagination ran wild again. I became irritated and couldn't sleep.

Since that night, I have had minimal contact with the stbx mostly because I have been irritated and felt that a fight could possibly start up if we had contact.

I will have to see her tomorrow when I pick up D8 so hopefully my anger will have faded by then.

[NTX_Dad]

One other thing I left out.

Early in the week, I was emotional about the upcoming anniversary, so I hand wrote the stbx a five page letter on fancy stationary. I reminisced about how we met and some of the good times we've had. I closed by letting her know that I had no regrets marrying her and no matter what happened in the future, my life was richer for having her in it.

I was going to leave it on her car the morning of the anniversary but chickened out. I told her that evening what I had done and she said it would have been really nice and still wanted it. I told her that I had to think about it and wondered if it was a good idea.

She mentioned again in a text yesterday morning that she would still like it and I again told her I would think about it.

I am not sure if I should give it to her or not. I my mind, what I wrote wasn't exactly pursuing... but it could be interpreted by her as pursuing since I talked about the good parts of our past.

I think she's seriously curious and surprised by it, because me writing it was a big 180 for me.

What to do... what to do. LOL

[25yearsmlc]

are you comfortable posting the note here first?

Don't forget that as of now a divorce is still in the works...

so the signals are mixed b/c

either she is confused/wants to know you have changed& she can trust those changes (which confronting her on OM will counter & negate)

or
it's a divorce tactic.

My gut says the first scenario makes more sense.

You have to show her that marriage to you now and from this day forward can be better and different.

how is that being shown to her?

[NTX_Dad]

25 -

I am sorry for the late reply, I am getting crushed at work these days with new large projects.

I don't mind posting the note, but I don't have it with me right now. I have not given it to her and she's asked a couple of times this week if she'll ever get it and I told her I would think about it.

I don't think her ups and downs are a divorce tactic. I don't think she's that devious... unless it's all happening subconsciously.

It's been an interesting week so far. Sunday she texted me and offered to make us dinner Sunday night when she came over to pick up D8. She stayed 3-4 hours and we had a really nice evening.

Monday night I noticed D8 forgot something at the house, so I texted her and offered to bring it to them. She told me they were out eating and invited me to join them which I did. We hung out for an hour or so and had a fun evening.

Tuesday they went out with some friends and asked if they could stop by for a few minutes since they were in the area. They stopped by for an hour or so and watched some TV together and shared some laughs. She then propped her feet on my lap and ending up falling asleep for a while.

And then this morning she needed to drop something off at the house on the way to work, so we visited for 5-10 minutes. When she left she gave me a hug and a quick peck kiss on the lips (something we haven't done in a few weeks).

My logic tells me to put up some boundaries and resist some of this, but my gut loves her and it feels good, so I let it happen.

I can't help but think that she still has emotions for me (or us) at some level. I don't think some of this intimacy would typical for a female/male friendship.

My therapist told me earlier this week to just be careful and if it feels good, then so be it, but to also keep perspective on the fact we are going through a divorce and that my wife is confused and may not even know what she really wants.

[25yearsmlc]

DB 101--
encourage baby steps and positives, without forcing or pushing for more.

Affection from her? Why would you resist or set up a boundary for that now, when you want a recon? We LIKE affection, right?

I mean, what??
[i]
If you end up ML and feeling used later on, that's a different matter. But if you can handle it, go with the flow.[/i]

Let her feel comfortable around you. Keeping pressure off will help with that. Being warm will help with that, but NO expectations for now and the near future...

Make sense?

[NTX_Dad]

Well it's been a decent couple of weeks, but it all ground to a halt last night.

The stbx and D8 came over to the house to watch baseball. D8 played outside for a little bit while the stbx and I talked. Some how the divorce came up and we started talking about the house, etc. She even at one point said "we are going to get in a fight, but..." and then proceeded to ask a few more questions. We did get a little tense on both sides and then she announced they were leaving.

When the D8 came in, she said she wanted to eat and the stbx said that I could come if I wanted, so I did.

We started off having a good time, but then when the little one went to the bathroom, we started talking about her financial situation and I offered some advice (I know I know!) and then she got angry and said that I was judgmental and that's one of the reasons we are divorcing. The tone became very quiet when D8 came back.

When we got to my house, D8 went inside to get her stuff and we talked in the garage for 2-3 minutes. I told her that I was just trying to help because I care about them. She then said something about maybe not seeing each other anymore and I told her that I would do whatever she wanted but that I still cared about her and wanted to be amicable.

They then left pretty quickly. I texted her (I know, I pursued *sigh*) and said that I wish we could get a sitter and talk alone sometime. She said "Yes. But I thnk I'll just be hurt, too many years of that".... followed by "We will see, let me process tonight"

She then ended by saying "I am trying to figure living situation out" (she absolutely hates their apartment).

I replied "I hate that everyone is unhappy. I wish I had a magic wand. I really care you know."

And she responded with "Yes. We are unhappy."



I wonder what she is unhappy about. The divorce? The apartment? Both? Or about the deteriorated evening?

I am mad at myself for offering advice. I am also disappointed that I pursued.

I really hope I haven't set things back beyond repair.

[jbnati]

NTX,
I feel for you, man. I never like it when the conversation degrades to a D discussion. Very frequently, it's unpleasant. I'd be OK, and actually thrilled, if we could ever have a productive R talk.

Yes - you may have backslid, but I don't think you've done irreparable damage. I think the most important things is you learn from this. I think you can take this an opportunity to learn what doesn't work. I think she gave you some 180s, too. You may want to figure out way where you won't come across as judgmental. She also said something about getting in fight. A good 180 may be to derail that self-fulfilling prophecy if you can.

Your W seems like the type that will get angry fairly quickly. Your best course of action may be to back off, and let her cool down, and then carry on the conversation rationally. It may be wise to at the very least, call a time out.

Don't try to mind read too much, either.

Don't beat yourself up. You did what you did. Now you know more about what to do in the future. Put your best foot forward.

[NTX_Dad]

Thanks for stopping by jb!

Interesting exchange this morning. The W texted me out of blue with a picture of her having a big black eye!

She says she tripped on the dog going down the steps at her apartment. I don't see how one could get a black eye from falling, unless she fell into the railing.

I asked her if she's ok and how it she got a black eye from falling and she was pretty vague.

I'm not sure what to make of it. I guess I shouldn't worry or read into it... it could have been a complete accident.

Oh, and last night she sent me a funny cartoon via text as well. I don't know if it's habit or she was thinking of me. It was pretty darn funny and made me laugh out loud though.