alcoholic H decided he wants D

[imthemom]

Danl
I have to tell you that I have read your reply over several times tonight and it has really made me think. Thank you, it sounds like you have some experience with this situation and so I appreciate your input. Im concerned that he is working up to a drink, I found out he was at a bar last weekend "playing pool"..and he called me the other night with that tone in his voice that always let me know he had been drinking and for the first time in 18 months i asked him if he had and he said no.. like he would tell me huh?? Im not sure, dont think he is but feel like hes working up to it and scared.
I know this is his problem not mine but i still worry for him....

[imthemom]

ok, so got threw first whole day and night with no contact but am now realizing that I will be seeing him Friday...I sold my motorcycle to an out of state buyer and have to meet the freight company at the house (our house that H still lives in) to pick it up. He asked me to schedule this when he was there as he didnt want to give me the key to the house.
Im sure he will bring up the D and what we are going to do..when he originally told me he had got the papers from a service that files them for you (cheap) he had met with me to ask me what I wanted to do. I took the approach of this is not what I want, this is all you so you just tell me what the plan is and we will go form there. HE said he didnt have a plan and basically wanted me to tell him what to do...He said "your not helping me" and my reply was no im not, this is not what I want so Im not going to help you. The agreement he wanted me to sign was totally unrealistic and we then proceeded to argue by text and one sit down face to face that did not end well. In anger I then told him to do what he had to do and I would do the same, he was not happy when I told him what a lawyer had given me number wise and it then became very confentational. He then agreed to sit down with the lawyer whom I had met with for a consult and see if we could work something out with her and split the cost. I feel like if I do that Im helping him get a D...so i decided to just wait and see if he has me served.
so now we stand at he thinks im just going to go ahead with this and (in anger i told him fine lets just get this done) I know he will bring it up tomorrow. what do I say? what approach do I take? I need specific advice for this so I can buy more time. He has already paid and got his papers from this service but has gone no further...do I just tell him what I said before? this is his idea, just do what you have to do?? Im trying to GAL and distance myself from him but telling him again that I dont want a D and that im not going to help him sounds needy and will just upset him all over again......Im confused as to how to approach the subject and not look like im being difficult...please give me some ideas on how to handle him tommorow....
thanks guys
your the best

[verycrazy]

Good for you, itm, telling H like it is re him wanting you to tell him how to D you. Oh the things those little alien minds think.
Don't sign anything without your L seeing it, to protect yours and your boys best interests. He is not going to come out of this unscathed like he somehow feels he will.
About your anger getting the best of you, that's why it's usually advised to detach from the situation, and don't talk R talk with them. When you see him tomorrow, keep things light, if you can, and tell him when he starts in on you, that you would rather not talk about that right then. And change the subject. Talk about your motorcycle or something he is interested in, like the boys. You've told him you don't want a D, so he knows this. Just try not to let him bait you into getting angry.

vc

[Danl]

Hi mom,
I'm both glad and sorry that some of what I said resonates with you. Be encouraged, you can love your husband and hate his drunkeness and every(bad)thing associated with it.

Drunkeness is a more effective and precise term whenever the subject is emotion laden. The ever so sophisticated "alcoholism" allows me enough room to equivocate intellectually with people who are willing to allow me to dis-connect from the moral responsibility that is mine alone in 'it'.. I don't mean I need to be reminded of it.. unless I'm projecting the responsibility for my own behavior onto someone/something other than myself.

Please know that I am trying to point you toward a needed objectivity, about the addiction itself in your situation, by offering you a subjective, but reliable, perspective from that of an alcoholic/addict.

If his change in attitude seems to have precipitated soon following his completing the program, you're thinking sounds spot on.["he's scared".. {and probably should be.. but just a little.}] If a guy's circumstance is such that he merited his seat in an 18 mo. program, he's heavily invested.

There are a lot of bright clouds in treatment. People are attempting to change the script of their lives. They are seeking a new paradigm. We're absolutely exhilarated by the fact that even people with long established and very serious substance abuse issues can regain their equilibrium (sobriety) and have a productive and gratifying life.

That and the clear blue sky.

But we tend to put too much faith in, our 'recovery program', 'relapse prevention plan', 'AA group' or any other thing. It can [and does] have a marginalizing effect then, when we form an self-identity defined by it.

What I mean is: I don't identify myself inwardly as a drunken dope-fiend (it's a self-fulfilling prophecy) unless,

1)-I am that today,
~or
2)-I find compelling reason..
like another human being who is impacted by this stuff.


Please don't get me wrong; those things are good tools. But for example, tools didn't build my deck.. I did (*and I need a space to exist in). I didn't need any one specific tool.. I needed specific kinds of tools.

It's a subtle difference; but in terms of my identity, the difference is *profound. And that is what is impacted when the rehab honeymoon ends.

Fear doesn't always feel like fear though. Sometimes a guy can't recognize it even though it's thrashing him about the head and shoulders. It often feels like depression/ anxiety/ anger. It flips a switch. Projection is a fear driven behavior. So is lashing out in anger all the time.

When he told you that he, 'had no plan', I know it was couched in a personal context between you two. But if you can, consider this: He has no plan.

He's struggling for traction. Plans might come a mile a minute for me when I'm forming my irrational rationale, so I can get buzzed.. but forming productive plans that might truly be beneficial for myself, my family and outwardly, well yeah.. we all know that takes commitment, work and patience just to form a workable plan.. much less executing it.

Let him bluster; he's going to anyway. Let him know (know) that you are not leaving him; but you've already left his drunkeness permanently... You can even use words if you need to, to communicate that.. but only if you need to

;- )

Addictions are subtle. Form your own paradigms; but perhaps something like a retrovirus, it can lay dormant in the DNA for a lifetime... or..

maybe a predatory animal; they can be very still before they pounce. That's why I don't identify inwardly as a drunken dope-fiend.. I don't engage the beast without compelling cause--

Be well, this too will pass. You are not alone; neither is your husband. [I expect he's probably a pretty good egg.. seems to have a nice lady that cares for him; that says a lot.]

[imthemom]

thanks VC..i must say that at that meeting when I told him that, i felt that is one of the few times Ive handled this whole thing well. I was honest but firm and did not react at all to what he was saying, after that it all went down hill and I have felt like crap!!..I listened to some well meaning friends who all said I need to file first and was angry and stressed and caused alot of drama with him. Now that Im back to what I originally wanted to do (take the approach of this is not what I want your on your own buddy) I feel much better. This is the end of day 2 with NO contact what so ever...Ive had moments of panic wondering what he is doing, am I going to get served out of the blue? Is he missing us? but I cant dwell on that because this is also day 2 of no crying...and that I am proud of. laying on the bathroom floor sobbing is not attractive, I dont care how good you look!
Turns out I wont have to deal with him tomorrow, the frieght company had to reschedule for Monday.. and I am fine with that..another day of no contact. Im on a mission to see how long I can go. Have been working on being honest with myself..about my part in this mess and about what I need to work on....on the way home from my run I passed the gym that he has been going to and thought I saw his truck...actually turned around to do a drive by and when I got to the lot I just kept on going...because honestly, that is not who I am!!..he use to text me as I drove by "I see you", they have huge windows in front and he would always see me on my way home from my run....at the time i would text him back "stalker boy"...now I miss it soooo much. He use to text every single morning and say good morning and it would annoy the crap out of me...now my phone sitting on the counter with no message kills me every morning...see? He was not alone in crushing this marriage. I took it for granted that he wasnt going anywere. shame on me....
BUT...he has also told me that if I would have let him come back a year ago, he would probabley still be leaving me now...what does that mean??? He has yet to even tell me why he wants a D!!..literally 6 weeks ago he was still texting me about how he didnt want to lose his family and please be patient while he works on his problems and then we would be soooo happy. for the life of me I cant figure out what happened, it felt very over night...I know he was graduating from his recovery group and had to be nervouse about that. sometimes I feel AA did more harm then good..and other times Im thankfull for them cus hes still alive...

[DCSUK]

Hi, I'm a recovering alcoholic and I feel your pain

I'm currently trying to get my wife back after "seeing the light"

What I'm going to say will hurt, and I'm sorry and I hope I'm wrong.

But if your husband HAS been sober for 18 months, and this is what he truely wants, I think you have to accept it?

I have only been sober 10 weeks, but in that short time, I now know what I truely want, I want my wife back.
I wasn't really sure when I was drinking, everything was a haze and my moods changed with the wind, so I was very irrational at times, but I can now see and understand what I really want, maybe this is where he is?

But there is also reflection, he might now see the hurt and pain he has caused, and think that although you say it now, you may never forgive him for the pain he caused you?

I find from my experience,recovering alcoholics think about everything too much, and don't just live anymore?

My only other thought is if this change is new, is he drinking?
Maybe he is drinking secretly and cannot let you see as he is embarrassed, he thinks it's beaten him, so he is running??

As I have said I'm only a short time sober, so these are just my thoughts to try and let you understand what maybe going on.

But unless he tells you truthfully, you will never know what is going on inside his mind.

Good luck

And I only wish my wife was as understanding as you have been.

Take Care

[imthemom]

Thanks DC, but I dont feel like I have been especially understanding, yes I left because of his drinking and yes I told him I didnt want a divorce, i just couldnt stay there with our son the way things were...but I then spent 2 years punishing him for his past behavior even though he was actively getting sober. For 2 yrs he was at the house every day with us, mowing my lawn helping me with the boys, leaving me cards and flowers and I never responded. I just wasnt at the place were I could trust him and was still working on myself. I had just got to the point were I was ready to open up and discuss a reconciliation when he suddenly pulled away and then 2 weeks later anounced the D....it was pretty over night so Im not sure if this is really him or if something is going on. at first I thought there may be OW, it was so sudden. but I know thats not it. And over the last few weeks Ive thought he may be drinking again but I just cant believe that, he has done so well but I know they say something like 90% relaps......
Im not in a good place this morning, I know this is going to be a long haul and when I think of that it defeats me, I dont know how to do this for months on end. this is day 3 of no contact and I dont see any contact in the near future...he has all but lost the relationship with his son. He sees him on his alternating weekend and that is it!! he works out 4 times a week 2 blocks from the house and since the bomb and not stopped by or even called his son to take him to dinner. My son is suffering which just ticks me off!!!..he goes weeks at a time without seeing him when he decided to work the weekend (which is most of the time) this is not the man I have known and Ive told him he will have regrets, he says he already does??????
good lord, get me threw this in one piece......

[jon2911]

His behavior does sound strange, something must have happened.

What you can do right now is focus on YOU. D is a long process even if he wants to push it. Don't let it get to you. Hang in there! I'll keep following your story.

[imthemom]

I have a question for anyone who can answer...
I found out today that I have 3 appts with a MC of my choice in my area that is paid for by my Employee Assistance program...
My H and I have tried MC about 18 months ago right after he stopped drinking but I was not in the mind frame to participate, as a matter of fact I was pretty hostile and the MC was an idiot..she sat and read to us for the entire sessions that I went to and I finally said im done.
since My H dropped the D bomb i havent even mentioned MC but was thinking about asking him if he is willing to go. How would this effect my DBing?? Ive had no contact for 3 days and am realy proud of myself for that but the not knowing what the hell is going on is killing me. and the more I think about it the more I wonder how the hell we are supose to fix anything if we are not talking to each other at all? this whole DBing things is starting to feel counter productive, the longer he goes without his family the more he will adapt to that and will just eventually move on.
At least if we go to a counselor he will have to tell me why he suddenly wants a D...but I dont know how to approach it..he is not interested in working on or fixing our relationship he just says hes done. He may go if i convince him we could work on communication as parents...
is this a desperat act or just another idea????? help...i blew it so bad for the last month im terrified to make a move.

[imthemom]

Not a good da today, special olympics soccer, then youngest broke his thumb so trip to ER...all done alone. Feeling very lonely and abandoned..no word from H since he said he wanted this "thing" started this week so just waiting for the doorbell to ring and get served....not a great feeling.