Keeping hope alive - Ctflor Part ll

[Albuquerque]

CT,

You are doing what is perfectly natural. Expecting his actions to make sense. Trying to understand him. Wanting to know what to do and terrified of doing the wrong thing. Here's the thing you must remember.

MLC=confusion

and

Believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do

These are very true statements. The problem in understanding MLC is that the MLCer often does not appear lost or confused. They often say things in very direct terms. They often appear to be enjoying their new lives. They often appear to be determined in their actions. But they are not. That is why you cannot believe what they say and often can't even belive what they do. They have lost a connection to themselves and are lost and confused. Scared and depressed. Unsure of their next actions and yet sure they must do something. Some act out in anger, some in fear, some are open with some of these emotions. Some are not. Most blame the spouse because we were with them when this all happened so it must be our fault right?

You cannot do anything to FIX him. You cannot do anything to wake him up. Some couples try MC. I have stated numerous times, I am NOT a fan of MC when an MLCer is trying to return. Over and over, we remind newbies that the MLCer is broken and we didn't cause their MLC. And that's right. We all could have done better in our marriages. But you can't cause an MLC. So then, why would MC fix an MLC? It doesn't. I am certainly in favor of INDEPENDENT counseling for the MLCer. They are the ones that really need the assistance. But IMHO, you can't work on fixing a marriage when one of the people is very very broken. The broken person needs to heal first. THEN the marriage can be reassessed.

When my H left, I yelled, screamed, cried, did all the things other people did. I threatened, I reminded him of good times etc. It dawned on me one day though that every time I initiated a R talk, it only seemed to make things worse. That was the turning point for me. I changed my attitude, GAL, and discovered DB. I read a lot, looked inward a lot and made some changes FOR ME that made me a better person. From that point forward, I never initiated a R talk. I supported H in whatever he did. I even bought him a mattress for his new apartment after learning that he was sleeping on an air mattress because he was worried about finances (that totally freaked him out). Even when he would subtly hint at divorce issues, I'd simply say OK and move on. He was one of those that mentioned it a few times but never seemed to get going on things.

An MLCer often needs to leave and experience life on their own. It's kind of the "set them free and if they come back to you it was meant to be" type of scenario. Some will, some won't. Some may take years to wake up. Others never do. In my case, my H watched me move on with my life and realized that in all his efforts to get his own and live like he wanted to live, he really wasn't any happier. It wasn't until HE initiated a R talk that I knew he was ready to reassess. So in answer to your question, YES, marriages can be saved by not having R talks. They have to happen eventually, but both need to be ready and it sounds like your H is not ready.

The intimacy part of your R does put a wrinkle into the situation. There's no right answer since every situation is different. In the end, you need to look within and see what is best for YOU, NOT what would be best to save the marriage. If you are uncomfortable ML, then you need to respectfully find a way to let your feelings known in a non accusatory way and end it. If you are OK with it, then you have to be OK with it as the full package. Meaning, you have to accept that his MLC will make him non affectionate and weird afterwards and you have to be OK with that and NOT let it affect you. You want normalcy and you can't have it. That stinks but that's what the situation is. You need to accept it, own it, decide on your course of action FOR YOU, and move forward.