NEED ADVICE

[gunny]

just journaling this morning,
Got into work early and took a nice long, leisurely walk around town before everyone else got in. Began to reflect a bit on my w's decision to end our m on june 20th this year. We have been together for 13 years, 90% great, loving times, the rest maybe only average, like many marriages.

I guess I am starting to approach the anger stage of the LBS, ever so slowly coming out of the depression stage, although I am fully cognizant that I will probably slip back into that stage when my wife moves out next week.

As I was walking along, two thoughts occupied my mind. First, my sp said that she "lost herself in our marriage". I'm sure we have all heard this phrase hundreds of times on this board, it is very common, and almost a cliche. I have thought to ask my sp before she leaves what it is about the new or different person the one who is emerging from the cinders of our m, that could not have been accomodated in our present or even renewed marriage. Would love to ask the question, but I think she is about out of patience with r talk. So, maybe sometime in the future I will ask this question, after healing has started for both of us.

The second item that came to mind is how hurt i am that my s made the decision to end our m on a saturday night over a bottle of wine the day before I came back from a trip to florida to visit my mother. Up until then, according to her, she had not contemplated ending the marriage, she had occassionaly thougt about what it would be like to be on her own, etc, but she said(and I believe her), the the decision came out of the blue. She said to herself, "what has to happen for me to be happy", and the answer came back, "move to Ohio". So, of course, I feel pretty dejected that s made her decision, one that had the greatest implications for her life and my life, basically on a whim. Something snapped. Talking with a very good friend of mine yesterday over lunch, (he is 88 years old, a veteran of the dday landings on omaha, been married 65 years), I explained my sitch. He knows my wife over the years and has always liked and respected her. He is very sorry to hear about our sitch, and like everyone else I have talked to, is mystified by her actions. He says that there is definately something going on deep within her, some issues that have reared their ugly heads and caused her to way over react. I greatly respect this gentleman, he has three sons, all who are still married and have gone through the crucible of marriage turmoil. He counsels me, as does everyone, to let her go, let her have the freedom to experience what she must, but also, let her be the one who files for d, since she is the one who made the decision to divorce.

Food for thought, as always, I thank you all for listening