NEED ADVICE

[gunny]

Greenblue,
Thanks for the straight dope. Not negative, realistic. The om is part and parcel of her moving. She made the decision to move before she came back into contact with this guy. He is basically feeding into the plan of moving to ohio, in that she has childhood business that was never put to rest. She graduated high school, and never had a chance to say goodbye to friends before she was whisked away by her stepfather(the one who sexually abused her at a young age), and mother(who is an alcoholic) and moved to Pennsylvania against her will. Was literally dragged off the dance floor by her mother and sister to leave. She has said it was a traumatic experience, and that she never really had closure.

So, when I talked to my IC initially about the bomb dropping, she immediately said that w was escaping back to ohio to the scence of unhappy childhood. OM was involved with her when she was 16, he is 2 or 3 years older, fits right in to her escape scenario. Dont know if this will develop into anything, and at this point, cant care, I have my own problems to contend with.

How are things in your neck of the woods?

[gunny]

Hello All, especially the more experienced souls on here,
Need your advice/opinion
w is leaving on the 21st of october to begin a new life in ohio, 500 miles away. We went to a mediator two weeks ago, he basically said that since we have no children, no debt, and have already agreed to divide assets 50/50 we should just file for d on our own, and save all costs. In my state(nj), you must be separated 6 mos before you can file. The 6 mos can begin whenever you and s agree, could be any date.

W and I agreed we would go that route, we have been amicable throughout our ordeal. She wants the d, i do not, but she wants to remain married until such times as she can find employment with health ben. I have agreed, no problem with this. This past sunday, during talk, I told her I am in no hurry to file the papers, because I do not want the d, and it goes against my principles to file for something I do not believe in. She immediately become agitated, saying that since I had agreed to file upon her getting job, I was now trying to control the sitch by holding back on filing, (control issues were one of her reasons for wanting d)saying why would i want to stay married to someone who does not want to stay with me.

I thought about what she said and must admit there is validity to what she says. However, as I told my c yesterday, I feel like this is the only aspect of my whole ordeal that I have had any control over. Everything else she has controlled, she dropped the bomb on her terms and date, she initially was going to leave next march, then she changed the date twice, she is taking my dog with her, etc etc. So, now, i have some degree of control as to when I file, and she does not seem to be too happy about this.

So, the question is, has anyone out there been faced with this sitch, s moving away long distance, burden of filing falling on sp that does not want d? Any advice, all comers welcome, thank you all again for your help and consideration!!
Gunny

I tho

[Rick1963]

Hey Gunny sometimes health insurance does not cross states. Something to look into. also got contacted by a Divorce care group and will attend in two weeks. Hang in there buddy

Accuray posted this elsewhere not sure if you saw it but it is pretty powerful and tells you how to deal with a WAW


quote=Accuray]Hello COG,

I've been reading Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" and it seems to apply directly to your sitch. In the book, he does recommend bringing things to crisis, you should give it a read because he gives a prescription for how to do it, and what to do after the fact. Here's a quote:

"The precipitated crisis first, must be accompanied by an entire change of attitude. Instead of begging, pleading, wringing your hands...you as the vulnerable partner must appear strangely calm and assured. The key word is confidence, and it is of maximum importance. Your manner should say, 'I believe in me, I am not afraid. I can cope, regardless of the outcome. I know something I'm not talking about. I've had my day of sorrow, and I'm through crying..."

"Not that you should say these things with words, or course. In fact, the less said about your frame of mind, the better. It's your private business. One of the great errors made by the vulnerable lover when things begin to deteriorate is to talk too much. His secure partner is noncommunicative, evasive, deceptive, and mysterious. He will not sit down and explain his inner feelings to the one who desperately needs that information."

"I'm recommending that you, the one who has sought to hold the marriage together, now choose your words more carefully too. It is as though you and your mate have been involved in a table game with her hiding her cards and you permitting yours to be seen. This has given the independent partner more information than she should have had, especially about the pain you are experiencing. It is time to be more discreet. No more should you reveal your every thought and plan."

"It is important during this time of crisis not to do predictable things. Having lived with you for years, your partner has you analyzed to a tee. She knows what bugs you, what makes you laugh, and what makes you cry. She has memorized all your little 'prerecorded' phrases that sprinkle your conversation. My advice is that you change these tapes. Don't offer suggestions when you would typically do so. Don't be predictable!"

"Your purpose, you see, is to convince this woman that events are swirling out of control and may take her in directions she has not anticipated. The old rules don't apply. And why is this new mystery advantageous? Because one of the reasons your lover has lost interest in the relationship is that the challenge is gone. It's become so monotonous and routine. Hence, you would be wise to turn the whole thing upside down."

Finally:

"An interesting thing happens when this kind of quiet confidence suddenly replaces tears and self-pity. Curiousity infects the aloof party, and she begins to probe for details. For the first time in months, perhaps, she's coming your way. She's saying 'You seem different tonight,' and 'I hope you're beginning to get over our problems'. She's baiting you to find out what's going on inside. It is uncomfortable for her to observe that changes are occurring which she neither controls nor understands. Tell her nothing. She *needs* to wonder."

It goes on to say that despite your partner's stoic appearance, she will be wrestling with feelings of guilt and self-doubt. There is still a tiny spark for you there, and you have to give it space to kick up into a flame versus smothering it and snuffing it out.

Hope that helps [/quote]

[gunny]

hey rick,
thanks, this is good stuff, i actually ordered that book last week based on one of your posts, it came yesterday, i am starting it along with about 5 other books, thanks for the shout out, our meeting went well the other night, i think you are going to like the program,
GUNNY

[gunny]

Rick,
So, your s is still living with you? How does that work out? It has been difficult for me with my s around. Just curious, how do you handle it?

[Rick1963]

Gunney we still living together but she sleeps on the couch downstairs. It is really hard stuff. I leave home at 7 and get home at around the same time. So I'm gone most of the day. We eat together and than I watch tv or palay vidoe games with my D or alone. W is usually working in her office she has always done that so with have space. Weekends is another matter. I try very hard to either due stuff around the house or go fly my model planes, take a ride to the ocean etc.... When she is around me I try not to look at her, stay away from her space. I do ask her if there is anything she needs help with around the house. I have always helped around the house so it is nothing new. maybe I should stop? This Saturday I will be volunteering at the airport all day so very excited. I also got an Iphone and spend lots of time reading from this site. I really try to leave her alone, talk more to my D, leave the room I'm in when she enters, not abruptly though. I try to be laid back, and not corral her. Some nights I shut my bedroom some nights I leave it open. I know it is really hard but we have to do the best we can with what we have. My W also spends alot of time at the barn so there are times when I'm home for about 3 or 4 hours that I have to myself. Sounds nuts right?

[gunny]

rick,
There is a guy in my divorcecare group who has been divorced from his wife for 3 years, but he is still living in their home with her and her new boyfriend. Financial situation has dictated this, plus their son is in final year of college, so they have worked it out. He is not thrilled with the sitch, but he says it works. We have to do what we have to do.

I am similar to you guys, sleep in separate rooms, we eat together, sometimes watch dvds at night, sometimes go running together down at canal, walk dog etc. But in general, in the last 4 months, we have been detaching from each other. But when she leaves permanently next friday it will be a shock, which I'm sure you may be dreading if/when your time comes. Hopefully, your time will never come, we never know whats in store.

Thanks for keeping in touch.

[greenblue90]

Gunny
The best chance to save your marriage is to give up all hopes of saving it. Yep you read right.

Don't become angry or vindictive, or hold resentments. Write her off as a loss. Think of the type of man that would attract a beautiful, loving, healthy woman and become that man.

To be honest the more I read your W's reasons the less I think it's about closure, but more about OM.

Let's face it for someone like OM to be "available" in this point in life means he must have his own issues, otherwise why isn't HE in a healthy relationship instead of pursuing a married woman.

He'll show his true colors, this fairy tale won't be all she thought it would be and she won't resist looking back at what she gave up for her so called fairy tale.

When she does look back, how will you look to her? Strong healthy deirable(even by other women) or sad mopey and pathetic.

Ok enough of that

What this means in real terms is get a life! Be happy, find happiness in yourself. I found one of my favorite hobbies during separation. It is now an integral part of my life, even after my W came back. She thinks were better for it too.

[gunny]

hello gb,
You are right. At this point, I am looking at things the same way. M is over. S is as good as gone. I got married at 40, late in life, and until then was pretty happy with my lot in life, I was dating, meeting different women, bought a nice place to live, making good money, loving life, completely content with my lot.

I have always been very independent, travelling the world, different duty stations all over. When I met my w, I fell head over heels and the rest is history.

I know that once I get over this initial shock of losing my w, eventually I will get back to what I was before, a contented bachelor who loves to travel, date, etc. I will always have the sense of loss over my s, who I will always love. Maybe our paths will cross afain, who knows, if so, hopefully she will have worked on her issues, and I will have worked on mine. Through my support groups and IC, I have finally begun to address some of my intimacy issues and abandonment issues that were the product of growing up in an ultra dysfunctinal family. I am becoming a full person, not the half baked one that has been able to get through life on tenacity and determination alone.

TAhanks for the good thoughts, continued good luck on your sitch.
Gunny

[gunny]

just journaling this morning,
Got into work early and took a nice long, leisurely walk around town before everyone else got in. Began to reflect a bit on my w's decision to end our m on june 20th this year. We have been together for 13 years, 90% great, loving times, the rest maybe only average, like many marriages.

I guess I am starting to approach the anger stage of the LBS, ever so slowly coming out of the depression stage, although I am fully cognizant that I will probably slip back into that stage when my wife moves out next week.

As I was walking along, two thoughts occupied my mind. First, my sp said that she "lost herself in our marriage". I'm sure we have all heard this phrase hundreds of times on this board, it is very common, and almost a cliche. I have thought to ask my sp before she leaves what it is about the new or different person the one who is emerging from the cinders of our m, that could not have been accomodated in our present or even renewed marriage. Would love to ask the question, but I think she is about out of patience with r talk. So, maybe sometime in the future I will ask this question, after healing has started for both of us.

The second item that came to mind is how hurt i am that my s made the decision to end our m on a saturday night over a bottle of wine the day before I came back from a trip to florida to visit my mother. Up until then, according to her, she had not contemplated ending the marriage, she had occassionaly thougt about what it would be like to be on her own, etc, but she said(and I believe her), the the decision came out of the blue. She said to herself, "what has to happen for me to be happy", and the answer came back, "move to Ohio". So, of course, I feel pretty dejected that s made her decision, one that had the greatest implications for her life and my life, basically on a whim. Something snapped. Talking with a very good friend of mine yesterday over lunch, (he is 88 years old, a veteran of the dday landings on omaha, been married 65 years), I explained my sitch. He knows my wife over the years and has always liked and respected her. He is very sorry to hear about our sitch, and like everyone else I have talked to, is mystified by her actions. He says that there is definately something going on deep within her, some issues that have reared their ugly heads and caused her to way over react. I greatly respect this gentleman, he has three sons, all who are still married and have gone through the crucible of marriage turmoil. He counsels me, as does everyone, to let her go, let her have the freedom to experience what she must, but also, let her be the one who files for d, since she is the one who made the decision to divorce.

Food for thought, as always, I thank you all for listening