W is moving out.....life goes on...

[aeolianchaos]

Hey IS,

Just a couple of thoughts.

You are obviously very smart and very capable of using your mind. Imagine if you applied that use of your mind to rationalize something.. to convince yourself of X, Y, or Z.

So.. imagine if you had a STRONG egoic motivation for doing that. How capably could you rationalize your behaviors?

I'm sure there is a lot of that going on with your W, and no amount of reasoning is going to get through that wall until something clicks in her own mind, on her own time.

In the meantime, you've got to take the best care of yourself that you can. Not just to distract, but to grow beyond this moment in time.

If you get the opportunity, I'd recommend reading some of David Schnarch's work. It isn't a 'plan' so much as a paradigm of relationships.. but I think it applies nicely on the larger level of dealing with this whole experience. Intimacy and Desire is the easiest read. Constructing the Sexual Crucible is the most challenging (650pg, way more technical).

Here is something I transcribed from his book, Passionate Marriage. It may be useful in applying more meaning and definition to your GAL and 180s.

Look within your gridlocked issue or situation and extract your own unresolved developmental tasks.
- Approach your gridlock as a personal dilemma to be solved, rather than as a situation problem or your partner's problem.
- Focus on your own issues to identify ways in which you are contributing to your own unhappiness.

Confront yourself for the sake of your own integrity and personal development
-Holding on to yourself requires giving up your favorite ways to dodge self-confrontation. It also involves lots of self-soothing for what you see when you stop slip-sliding away.
-One key to holding onto yourself is to stop disproving that there is "something wrong with you" or claiming that you're good enough the way you are. The issue isn't whether you're good enough the way you are. It's a question of who you want to be.

If you're having difficulty identifying your own issues, look at both sides of your two-choice dilemma.
-When have you faced something similar before - and dodged it?
-Think about what your partner says about you and you vehemently dispute. Find ways that what your partner says is true.

Stop taking your partner's reaction personally
-Ask yourself "why am I taking my partner's reaction personally and getting defensive?"
--if you think you should take it personally, what is it that you've been doing (or not doing) that leads you to assume your partner's reaction has anything to do with you?
--If you aren't culpable, why are you taking your partner's reaction personally?

Don't count on your partner to confront himself/herself in return
-You can't move forward by agreeing to acknowledge your issues as long as your partner does likewise.

Forget about "working on your relationship" or the idea that "the relationship is the problem"
-When people say "I'm not getting what I want out of our relationship," often the real issue is that they are not getting what they want out of themselves in their marriage.
-When you work on yourself you're working on your marriage - because when you change, your relationship changes.

Stop focusing on what your partner is (or isn't) doing. Focus on yourself
-Some therapists suggest that examining one's part in an interpersonal conflict takes the pressure off the partner and demonstrates courage, fairness, and goodwill that the partner will hopefully emulate. I believe this small truth masks a bigger one: focusing on yourself increases the pressure on your partner to change.

Stop trying to change your partner. Pressuring your partner actually reduce the pressure on both of you for change.
-When you stop avoiding your own two-choice dilemmas, you'll also stop cajoling your partner in any particular direction. You'll simply want him to stand up and define himself too.
-If your partner thinks you're trying to drag him forward into your version of happiness and a better life, you make it safe for him to 'dig in his heels' and remain complacent or resistant.

For solutions, look in different directions from where you've looked in the past. Reconsider options you've previously rejected.
-Ask yourself 'what about me would have to change-or what would I have to accept or give up-for this to become a real option. Would I like myself more if I could do this?

Stop trying to make your partner listen, accept, and validate you. Listen to yourself.
- Insights are always true about the perceiver, but not necessarily about what's perceived.
- Ask yourself "What is it in me that predisposes me to see my partner this way?"

Keep your mouth shut about your partner's issues - particularly concerning things you're certain are true.
-Consider the wisdom of silence: don't let your partner fight with you instead of himself.
-Shift your efforts to being an expert on yourself.

Don't identify with your feelings
- The feelings we defend usually aren't the ones we want. If you want them to pass, stop making them an issue of your personal validity

Pay attention to your tone.
- Your emotional stance determines what you get out of the process.

Own your projections as an act of integrity.
- Openly acknowledging your projections, especially when your partner is ready to blame everything on you, requires a deep breath and a leap of faith - not faith he won't try to use it against you some time (he probably will) but faith that you will hold onto yourself when he does.
- Acknowledging your projections embodies tolerating pain for growth and maintaining a clear sense of yourself in close proximity to your partner.

Acting differentiated interferes with being differentiated.
- Well differentiated people don't worry about how they look or seek validation for being differentiated.
- Stop focusing on acting more differentiated (holier) than your spouse. Pay attention to who you are and who you want to be.

Let the best in you do the thinking and talking.
-There is a place within each of us that recognizes the truth when we are confronted with it.
-Let what's good in you, the part that can do something new, do the listening.
- Its hard admitting that our lives are full of error and self-deception. But this very admission, though painful, makes possible its opposite - a differentiated life, lived with integrity.