Compassion for a MLCer

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Jack,

Yeah, I agree that tattoos are not that permanent, but I would not of tuought she would go this far. I know, I know, in MLC, expect the unexpected.

When you read about MLC and all the crazy things they do, it doesn't really sink in until it happens to you.

Broken,

this is a long one but it's b/c you are sort of rehashing and repeating patterns here so I want to drive this home okay?

Get a little helmet on. Mostly I hear about how "crazy or evil" your w is. But what I want to hear is about YOUR CHANGES...here's what I mean.

I know you are in pain. A lot of it. But you sure do inflict a lot of it onto yourself.

Please stop it. Just stop all the crazy obsessing and the incessant asking of unanswerable questions about IF she's in MLC and if so, what it means and if not, then what? Hey, none of that matters. seriously...

all that matters is what YOU do with your time on this planet. Stay out of her sandbox and take care of your own.

My h had what apparently was an MLC....and you know what?

My biggest regret-BY FAR-was asking IF my h was having an MLC and if so, when it would end and what that might mean, and what HE was going to do/think/plan/feel....all about HIM/HIS choices/HIS Behaviors....all my analysis was wasted. All of it.

ALL of that energy ought to have been spent on MY LIFE and GAL....and creating a future for me and the kids. THE SOONER, THE BETTER...

That's where your energy needs to go, asap.

Please read up on DETACHMENT asap. IT's key to your getting through this with a shred of dignity OR hope of a recon in the future. Understand that detachment is a step towards reconciliation in this situation....

Also, not signing divorce papers does NOT prevent her from getting a divorce. The idea that a spouse has to "Consent" to a divorce is simply out of date (as a L I can say that with certainty).

You can argue about property division but you cannot force someone to be married to you in this country.

You can delay things going forward temporarily, with some motions filed, but you cannot force someone to stay m to you.

Other than saying "I'm not stopping you", what else is there to say? You are not arguing the divorce itself, but the property settlement. And you must see a L asap for that. Often you can get a free consult...but don't skimp on this. it's penny wise and pound foolish and will cost you more than a fortune of money in the long run, like in more pain and anguish.

She is using the non signature as an excuse for...what? B/c you won't agree to her idea of property division? Tell her to send you a completed one and you'll take it to your L...and then do that. You don't have to sign it. But for God's sake you need to have a L look at it fast.

If she really wants a divorce she can file and

if you fail to respond or don't hire a L, then she'll probably get what she wants...so you cannot afford not to hire one, really.

Living in your dad's retirement home and her living in her mom's, makes both of you unable to afford a home of your own? Why are you the loser and not her? Why aren't you both on your own?

I don't get this. You need a plan. Like a home she/kids can come home to...literally. B/C right now you are not bringing a lot to the table.
Sorry broken but you need to see this.

So detach first, so you don't have anymore of these harmful exchanges and texts that do NOTHING GOOD for either of you. YOU MUST DETACH MORE...OMG...the fighting is horrible, esp for a couple not even living together anymore.

DO you see how it only validates her choice to kick you out? The more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them and the more you fuel her anger.

Stop that. It's not easy but it's not complicated. Quite simple really. You need to control your behavior more.

Plus
There's no "one right sentence" or "great zinger line" you can say that will wake her up. Let that idea go. You are wasting time/energy on a fruitless endeavor AND worsening things.

DBIng is about doing what helps and NOT doing what hurts....DB 101...


You need to read my previous post to you about her marital revisions--all WASs do it and ALL MLCers do it. Read what you can say in reply if you want to keep it simple. Don't take it so personally and it'll be easier to acheive that when you stop the R talks.

I really hope you do that. Otherwise you'll keep on getting punched in the face and standing up again for another round of punching.

As for whether she's a WAW or a MLC...Why do you think it matters?

You spend so much time on that label hoping it means what? That she's more likely to return to you but see, I don't know what evidence exists for that supposition.

She can be batchit crazy but not mentally ill. She can be a MLCer and a WAW.

This is just more of you trying to understand the why of it, and I'm telling you that what matters is what you will DO. The only "why" that matters is what your role in things were so you can learn from them.

Newsflash for me--
Most of my h's behavior in MLC was and is NOT comprehensible to me, even now. And he forgets parts of it. Or sees them very differently.

YES I eventually accepted that I would NOT understand his choices or behavior.

Therefore, questioning his choices constantly, and obsessing about what he was doing or thinking, could finally stop. And I could GAL and move forward...and finally, I did...

and maybe...maybe that is why h woke up.

I only know that once I came to terms with the belief that I'd genuinely be happy no matter what h did, h seemed to become curious about me more.

And my inner peace -which took so much work, must have eventually emanated from me.

All I really know is that after I came to peace with whatever came, and was happy with it,

He wanted back into my life---perhaps b/c my life looked appealing b/c it was! I really had GAL.

Broken, YOUR COURSE OF ACTION for your w's MLC/WAS/or mental condition

is the same

regardless of her "underlying cause" and that's good simple news.

You must detach so you can heal and not have anymore of your harmful contacts, so you can be fully available to your children

(trust me, I can tell you are NOT available to them by the tone of your comments here.

Just as I once did, you are going in circles & loops about your spouse's behavior and why it's happening and If it will end and if so, when, and blah blah blah--

Focus on the one thing you do control, YOUR OWN WORK....what are your 180s? What are YOUR GAL?

Have you read the DB books for real? I mean did you only read the MLC chapter? You need to read the part about your role in this, and your work on YOU.

It's all you control. You become a better man, the best man you can become, and you leave the results up to God.


[[SIDENOTE, you spend a lot of time here criticising her. I get the point of venting, I do. But ask yourself some time, "is this helping my sitch at all, or am I simply more comfortable being angry at her than angry at myself? Do I prefer anger to feeling sad in my rejection?)]]


but instead of asking what HE sees in HER, and commenting about her age and living with her mom, which was fine with you, and you have children...but you ask about what he sees in her and
I'd ask what SHE sees in HIM.

Other than his youth, (which is all about appearances-and if I'm not mistaken you said you two look alike??)

then otherwise, what can he possibly bring to the table? Is he well educated? A high income earner? A talented fun guy with a bright future? He sounds like none of those but maybe he's all of them. Or maybe he's Just a young guy who lends her his ear? Plays with the kids?

btw When you played on the Xbox, how often did the kids play with you when you were living together?

Imo, grown men who shut out their families for video games are, not grown men. Don't get me wrong. I Play them too. With our kids and or with my h. Rarely alone. Never at the expense of time with my family. NEVER.

Maybe your w thought you'd spend all your time on it? Why did she feel that way?

Broken, You spend a lot of energy on OM too and that's an easy fix b/c once you stop doing that, you'll have less pain....but the real question is about you.

Other than being the father of her kids, you'll have to ask yourself What do YOU bring to the table?

I know you want to assess HER flaws and her issues and the damage she's done (those questions are for later IF you are offered the option)

We're here to help you work on YOU.

So maybe he admires her. And maybe that's what she needs. You Can't do anything about what HE brings or gives her except learn from it.

Just sounds like you want to rag on her and vent. And if that helps you, then do it. But if it keeps you stuck, as I suspect, or if it's symptomatic of how you were with her before, then learn from it & work on YOU.

BTW-You mention her weight and seem to resent her losing it, and you say she's "too thin" now, etc. You also mentioned that her weight loss hurt you or didn't benefit you (even though it's good for her health).

I get mixed messages from that but it sounds important.

When she achieved such great weight loss, you told her not to let it get to her head or it would "destroy the family"....

Broken, that's one wacky odd (undermining) comment to make. Like if she were to become attractive to other men, then she'd destroy the family?

Why? B/c she might not need you? Or other men might be kind to her so she might not need you?

See how that sounds? IOW, sounds as if you would have to treat her better...or someone else would.

That's how I am hearing it and this is based on reading YOUR comments...

so, food for thought.

The comments insult her just as she begins to overcome what was probably a long term painful issue that ate away at her self esteem, b/c being that obese (you said 350lbs?) often reflects a low self esteem and or serious health issues.

But your concern, while 'supporting her', was that she would leave you?

What about the health advantages of her losing the weight? And the pride she finally got to take in her appearance? Did you tell her you were proud of her achievements?

Were your fears that she'd leave you b/c you treated her badly and now that other men might give her attention, which you didn't, then she'd want to leave you?

I think when you dig deep and bravely about what YOU can change in you

check that response of yours out.

Needing attention from OMs and responding so much to it --
Sure it might be narcissism but you also said she was a great mom. Narcissists usually aren't. Maybe she craved what was missing.

Here's the question YOU must ask yourself.

B/c it is the one way your w will come back to the marriage....


How would marriage to you today,& from this day forward, be better or different than before?


If your w cannot see any difference in YOU, then she won't likely want to resume the marriage.

Keep this^^^ in mind when you rant and obsess and spend your time/energy about her MLC or her mental condition or her texts or her lashing out and blah blah blah

instead of working on YOU.

and ask YOURSELF if you have changed...b/c if you cannot show it in some way OR if you don't really feel it and she can't see it...then why would she want to reconcile?

See, the real work begins with you and for a long time, the work is only with you. Right or wrong, Broken, that's how it is.