L said I shouldn't go to conference if I'm not feeling safe with D spending nights with exBF. And I don't. Truthfully. He sleeps through her crying. He has all these meds. He says he can't drive at night b/c of the meds he takes. I don't see him as entirely stable at the moment. And I suspect he will be. But ... I'm not ready for that yet. Esp. not when D can't even communicate with me.
She is missing me right now. She cries for me all the time. My heart is torn in two. I've been working 16 hour days and I was doing well and feeling like she was thriving, and then exBF had to throw that stupid curveball. Even the L said it needs to be a transition where I go up to his place with D and we make it a show of being a new place for her, then she naps there, then she stays there alone with him, etc.
I'm currently looking for another apartment, so it's just a lot. The weaning feels like it was too soon, too. She's crying all the time now and asking to nurse (cries and points to her nursing chair); I reassure her, but I'm not even really there right now. I'm just spent.
I have to find something sustainable. Something for her and I that I can afford and also focus on her right now and finding gainful employment. So I'm asking to drop out of the coaching program - even though I got a scholarship. IDK what else to do. I can't focus on it, and I'm behind in it, and then I'm not focused on D. Or even taking much care of me. I love the program sooooo much and love the work, but I want to do it at a time when I can focus on it and give it my attention when I feel D is settled and I'm stable.
This has all been too much at once.
But I'm really wanting to let go of exBF. I do see how I contributed horribly to our demise. But I also now see that without my contribution he is not someone who can be available in an R. I'm not right now either (I mean, I can more than he - but I feel guilty about that b/c of D) but at least it unraveled enough now that I see I was very unhealthy to have been with him.
I'm feeling a thousand times healthier now. I love my new IC. I love taking care of myself. Being independent. I love handling my anger differently. I love having boundaries, and learning to grow love in my own heart and fulfill my needs and find my self.
I just think I have toooooo much going on at once and something's gotta give. If I didn't have to support a family right now, I would stay in the coaching program (i.e. if I had less pressure and exBF were a part of our family) but this is just a crazy time.
I should have said it right from the start, but I was so honored about the scholarship, I didn't turn it down and I did that thing I do that always messes me up - I listened to someone else (my sister in this case) who just said "go for it" even though I knew the timing was wrong.
He'll still say I rejected him. But that's his own self protection.
He's been having tons of allergies and diarrhea lately which are his two most common health issues; in coaching, I started working with mind-body stuff.
I took out a book today and jokingly looked up his issues (not to threaten him - he was open to it) the diarrhea thing said "Fear. Rejection. Running away." I said, "Oh, see - running away!"
He said. Rejection.
Then he said. You don't see what part you want to see.
He can't have gluten or sugar, etc. But he's a mess right now - severe eczema diarreha, allergies, going to bed at 3 am. I've witnessed this before in him. He's in "manic" mode. (avoiding feelings) - I don't know how real any of this is for him right now. He's like most guys I've dated (I'm not going to say all men are like this) but he isn't thinking ahead - like what this separate means over the long haul. I can see he doesn't think about raising a kid - where she'll live, what community, where she may go to school, what values we'll teach her, traditions, etc. He's like "Tomorrow we have what class?"
And I'm more like, What will she remember about Christmas? What community can we live in so we can really be a part of it? (Right now, I like where we are - but nothing is available in my price range).
I don't mean to put exBF down. I'm just observing - he still hasn't told his family. He doesn't work during the day so he can move, etc. then he works until 3 am. and is up with D by 7:30-8 He gets this way when he is avoiding and overwhelmed. It just makes sense that we're in different places - like I'm finally facing the reality of this and it's been so hard. Although, I guess I'm starting to really see myself moving on.
The hardest is when the three of us are together and D is giddy and happy and having us each hold her hand, etc. It's also been hard interacting with his family and not saying anything to them. He's been moved out for two months! I feel really dumb, but I also don't want to be - nor think I should be - the one to tell them.
While I'm considering dropping out of the coaching program and talking to someone about it this morning, I'm also realizing how much it is teaching me - about boundaries and anger and emotions and stuff that I think will help me in raising D. My mother encouraged me to stay in it. IDK. I feel like this is going to be a gap year for D and that horrifies me.
And I'm feeling guilty about the weaning. Like I did it so fast and she is still asking me and seemingly confused. I feel guilty I didn't give it the time it deserved but the last two weeks have been utterly insane.
GM - sorry I'm laughing at your post - I don't mean to.
He and I were into that though - that mind-body thing. There's a context. I didn't come after him with a book. I was reading it for coaching and talking to a coaching buddy about her asthma, and he was like "What's farting" or something and then I looked up some of his stuff. When I say he took it in good fun, I mean it. He wasn't harmed by it and I didn't approach him all like Freud or something
He's like most guys I've dated (I'm not going to say all men are like this) but he isn't thinking ahead - like what this separate means over the long haul.
Sorry Lila - this made me laugh - that's my W to a tee, although I try and avoid talk about the future when it happens and whare are we going to do about X, Y & Z. I get a "I don't know" - so my W knows she wants out of the R but you don't want to face the consequences of being out of the R.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
NYC Peter - yes, that's my exBF. Just moves in kind of a vaccuum. Chops off what he doesn't want to hear. IDK - I think once he is safe and established and guilt-free, he'll feel more inclined to talk about things and be open to thinking about the future (d's future)... right now, it's as if it's too threatening. Actually, last night, I was talking about D having some trouble right now and missing me and something she did re: nursing and he got a little annoyed and walked away.
Later I was able to say to him "Please don't take that on. This is a choice I'm making to spend more time with D and maybe drop out of the program."
(It was fresh last night and he came in and asked what has been going on). I could see he thought I was trying to guilt him or suggest somehow that HE should spend more time with D (which doesn't make sense b/c he is here, and I'm the one working all the time) - so I quickly said "Please don't take that on - this is about me."
But when he was sensing a guilt trip a MAJOR WALL went up -and then he left the room!
Not dropping out of the program. Just got coached by someone in it. She did the program in a weekend while going through a divorce, etc. running a medical practice, blah blah. Her story was insane. She helped me dissolve some of my fears and beliefs. God I love the coaching stuff.
I think I'll have more time with D. Last night I was overwhelmed.
I see her on Tuesday mornings, Wednesday late afternoon to bedtime, Friday nights and all day Sunday - plus I'm around all day working when the sitter is here and even with exBF is here, I'm around - I just miss her and miss quality bonding time and the weaning happened fast, etc.
- that's my W to a tee, although I try and avoid talk about the future when it happens and whare are we going to do about X, Y & Z. I get a "I don't know" - so my W knows she wants out of the R but you don't want to face the consequences of being out of the R.