Oh good grief. Sometimes I just want to pull my hair out.
OK, so again I guess I have backslid after seeing some pics online with the H in them and some chick. I asked him to at least not rub my face in it, and it escalated a bit from there.
These days I am so mentally exhausted, I'm not sure I can keep this up. I tried to discuss what we should tell our D's school regarding our sitch (we have a parent/teacher conference coming up), and he freaked out again. Isn't that something we should discuss?
His anger is really puzzling to me- so out of proportion to the situations. I am soooo tired of everything being my fault- I know this isn't about being right, but its so hard to keep hearing what a POS he thinks I am, how I haven't changed, nothing will ever be better, etc.
Sad today, not looking forward to seeing him later. Where, oh where did my PMA go??
ROMB, remember, he's on his own roller coaster right now. There's a good chance he's pressing your buttons, expecting a certain response. Maybe a 180 would be in order here?
I would agree, it would be best to tell your school something regarding your situation. That way, they can report back to you if anything's going on with your D you need to deal with. This is regarding your D, and her wellfare is very important.
Your PMA will return, don't worry. Sometimes it takes these low points to help bring it back.
Thanks JB! BTW, I have looked but still can't find any pics that match your description...
Not sure what to do about the school situation yet, I'm trying to let things 'cool down' a little before I bring it back up. It was really strange at the meeting- he was acting very much like a couple. Follow that by a fairly awkward afternoon with D. We were both avoiding each other, and during her class later we started joking about it and ended up holding hands (him, not me!).
He has made some comments in the last week that I don't know how to respond to. He keeps saying I'm not showing a real commitment, using the 'event' of last weekend as an example of this. I don't know the DB way to go here- should I continue making him take the lead?
The other part of me is really conflicted on this. I feel like he's in some ways trying to make me jump through hoops. For example, this week he wanted me to come by and see him in a 1.5 hour I had between picking up D from school. I was 30 minutes away. So I'm not willing to commit because I didn't see the point in 30 min. drive, 20 - 30 min. there, 30 min back to make car line.
We had a family outing planned for that weekend, but looked like we'd have to cancel due to weather. We were talking about what to do that day instead, and I am trying my DB best not to ask him to do something. That's when he says something like 'I wish you would ask instead of just talking about it and trying to get me to plan everything'.
So I asked him specifically, would you like to hang out anyway? He gets quiet, and then says he'd have to think about it. WTH?? Didn't you just complain that I won't just ask? Why would anyone say that if that's not what the implication was? Am I out of line or does it seem like he's messing with my head?
Is this just part of not being available all the time? Because he sure acts offended/mad.
Perhaps... and this is a perhaps... he thinks he will still be expected to plan something. "Hanging out" may be too much for him right now? You did ask, but you didn't ask him about doing something you asked him to come hangout. I can't imagine my W and "hanging out" right now.
Come up with an action plan for that day. Then invite him, but not in a "oh god please come" way... just, "hey, D and I are doing this today want to come?" and the implied message is we are going with our without you.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Hi WHG, thanks for the feedback, I do know what you mean and I agree.
In regards to this situation, I actually was trying to be specific, in the context of the conversation. We were talking about what we were going to do instead given the bad weather. I was talking about doing 'X', and he was telling me he had no plans if we canceled the original plan. So I was paraphrasing when I said 'can we hang out', we just hadn't figured out what the new plan was.
I dunno, maybe that is the problem and I don't realize it. It doesn't seem like that was the problem after the fact. Lately he makes me feel like he wants/needs me to chase him, and then the next minute he doesn't. It is literally like dealing with a yo-yo. How do I know when the right time is to do those things without rushing it?
ROMB, I think a lot of what you're seeing is a by product of the roller coaster your H is on. He will draw closer, pull back, draw closer, pull back, and on and on and on. It's the hallmark WAS behavior.
I'll agree with WHG's suggestion. It may be best to go ahead and make some concrete plans that could include your H, but they don't have to. You can then invite him to come along if he'd like to.
P.S. you may want to include the whole month name in your search. 1 of 48 pix.
I need some 2x4s friends... Since last weekends drama, H and I were getting along better, had some plans, etc. I made the mistake of sort of bringing up the R- not directly, but it still had the same effect. Things blew up, he said he was done and we were just waiting until after the holidays to proceed. Ugly.
I told him that maybe we should just figure out what the schedule would be for the next couple of weeks, and take a break from each other. There are lots of things coming up we had planned and I just wanted to make a plan, and go dim.
Keep in mind, for the entire time we have been separated H has only requested to have D TWICE. Both times were when he was mad, and he knew I already had plans with her. Its almost like he was trying to get me to say 'no' so he had ammunition. We have done many things together, he has had some afternoons/days alone with her too, but those we at my prompting.
Generally speaking, he comes to see D at her soccer games weekly, and then whatever we have come up with on the weekend. More often that not, he doesn't see her but maybe once/twice a week. This is NOT by my choosing, although that's what he always says is that I don't allow him to spend time with her. If he doesn't ask, I don't think its my responsibility to pursue it, is it?
Soooo, I suggested he take her one day during the week, and one weekend day so he's seeing her on a more regular basis. He FREAKED out, said he was going to destroy me and he would seek either 50/50 or full custody. I am terrified, quite frankly, and I don't understand the wrath considering I was suggesting MORE time with her than he currently spends!
I just don't get it. I am scared, and I don't know what to do at all with this. Things are not better at this point, but they have calmed down in that we are going to **try** and wait until the first of the year to proceed.
the crazy train is maddening.... I'm so sorry you're having all this happening. I'm definitely not one to give advice--Lord knows I'm no paragon of R knowledge...LOL I'm more of a support/I'm here and care person... He!! as you know, my sitch is horrible and I've got no ideas of my own.
But in your case the one thing I wanted to say is that he seems to be trying really hard to make you angry/to make you say something so he can justify his actions. Pretty typical I guess, but hurtful. Realize that anything you say isn't going to be 'right' in his eyes. If you had the moon and offered him a time share on it, he would find a way to turn it around in a way that YOU have HURT him. Perhaps he'd say the period you offered him on the moon was the cold season or something. I know, silly example, but that's what a lot of the stuff with WAS seems like. No matter what we do---- it's totally not right.
Focus on that precious and beautiful little D. The kids are the ones who hurt, and it hurts ME to think of their pain. As confusing as it is to us, grown women, I imagine their little worlds are just crushed.
If he's not been spending time with D, I highly doubt that he will follow through on seeking full/50/50 custody either. IDK, but it seems like one of those threats. IMHO, I wouldn't mention any of it again. See if he brings it up.
(((hugs))) as always my friend.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
ROMB, I'm also sorry this happened. I think IS put it pretty well. I think your H is just pushing buttons and expecting a certain response. Either that, or he feels threatened and is reacting to that. Obviously, he knows where to hit you pretty hard. I also agree with IS - I am doubtful he will follow through on seeking custody. Even IF things get that far and IF he follows through on it, I still like your odds. After, you're still Mom and you're the LBS. Sending hugs and prayers your way. ((()))
one of the most common extortionary tactics WAHs use, consciously or not, is the threat of suing for custody of kids, including kids they rarely see unless forced.
Sometimes it's to save money, pure and simple. THe more "custody" they have the less support they pay. Sad but true, as far as being a motive.
Othertimes it's weird control factors or its the desire to hurt the mother. It's our weak spot, our vulnerable Achillies heel.
As a L doing legal aid years ago, I heard MANY women tell me "I just want my kids...that's all" and I had to stop them and
say "Really? So living in squalor for the next 10 years is fine as long as you dont' have to fight this battle? 'Fraid not...battle gear ON..."
Don't cave in on that. Your fears are understandable BUT NOT legally realistic. Remember this.
If you are the primary caregiver, and you are documenting his visitations (start now if you have not) and it's almost always happening at your urging...yeah, good luck buddy...he won't get anyhwere. His "time with her" is spent watching her play soccer? That's nice but what do they do one on one?
Don't let him bully or extort you on this.
Yes, still be kind & upbeat and GAL..but when he tries this tactic, it's a low blow and you cannot react to it. Make specific plans for her and you and invite him IF you want as was suggested but try not to notice his weirdo confused games...the push/pull me stuff is a waste of time and energy. So is trying to understand HIM when he probably doesn't understand him...
Journal about when he sees her, and don't be the one to initiate ANY of their contacts for now. Also, given his holiday comment, I'd bet he has seen a L and you need to protect yourself.
Protecting yourself is NOT inconsistent with DBing...I found it empowering to know my rights and felt better about CHOOSING to work on the m, rather than feeling trapped. Do you get that?
Right now you are letting fears dictate too much and the fears are NOT reasonable. IOW, there's no monster under the bed. He wont' get your d.
If he ever could manage to actually have half custody and spend that much time with her, I'd probably think it would be good for their r. But I don't believe it's likely given his history.
Keep GAL and DBing...have you talked to a coach?
And here is some free legal advice that applies to DBing and R talks...? Shut up....that's the advice...(sorry if that sounded harsh; it is meant to be memorable). just stop the R talk directly or not. Most of these things are things YOU can plan without "pressuring" him for decisions now. In fact, I'd say if he does not initiate anything in writing or orally, make the plans yourself for yourself and her.
Assume most of the time it's you two, until he changes that custom. You can invite him...without making him responsible for planning an event. But
If he's not scheduling time with her, don't you do it, not when custody is in dispute. Not when he wants to strong arm you. No....
make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
