(((Hugs In Shock))). Thanks for posting on mine. Someone told me earlier to let go, let my W have what she wants. That she may find that in fact it is not what she wanted. Last week I started pulling back even more. This weekend I found that every time my W walked into a room I was in I left, not abruptly. It is soooooooooo hard but I have to for my own sanity. My W is very quiet by nature, so imagine being that and a WAW? She is super guarded. I think she is a super WAW, not much emotions. Can you detach emotionally? I have been trying and it helps a bit. Maybe if you could imagine your self 3 years from here without W? I have been thinking of myself living in an apartment and how it will look, where will the TV go. I struggle with those thoughts but it helps me feel in control of my future. Hugs again I know you need them today.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
get to Philly next month and I'll post more later.
For now you have no healthy or strategic move BUT to back way way off.
How else is she going to figure any of this out? You sure can't "teach" her.
And the more you force her to say, the more you force her to retract.
Stop pushing for glimmers and please tell me you stopped saying ILY to her....right? Just make it about s4 and pretend to accept her choice-but in a way that shows you think SHE is the one really losing...without making it obvious.
Like you are now beginning to look forward to being with a woman who "gets" you...and you'll be FINE with or without her...
Re-read those 37 rules about the "awakening" you have had.
((( ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
In Shock - Be kind to yourself right now. Goodness knows, your W sure isn't going to be, so it's up to YOU to take care of youself. And right now, that means honoring the current space you are in, owning your share of responsibility for what you might have said last night, and then letting it GO. You made a mistake. It happens. You are human...and you are hurting. And frankly, it doesn't sound like you were that bad, anyway, so don't beat yourself up too much. Just acknowledge it and move on. And thank your lucky stars that you are DB'ing, or who knows WHAT you might have said last night! You are in much better control of your emotions than when you started this journey, so be grateful you've had the fortitude to stick to your DB'ing strategies for the most part. You know what? I'll bet they have prevented SO MANY encounters like the one last night.
I must confess to being in a similar situation with my H recently. I heard some things -- negative, of course -- about his OW and stupidly shared them with my H, under the guise of letting him "know what he was getting into". I'm sure you can guess what happened -- he told me he didn't believe me, didn't believe my "source" (whom I wouldn't disclose), and that he had some "sources" of his own who told him the rumors I had mentioned were unfounded. Total f-up on my part. Did more harm than good, and wounded my pride in the process. But you know what? I owned it for the mistake it was, shook it off, and have learned from it. No more discussions about OW at ALL for me. It demeans me, our marriage, and any hope of reconciliation. Plus, it just makes me feel dirty, which is SO not helpful in the self-esteem area.
I hope you had a better day today, and hope you can sit quietly with your S and enjoy some bedtime stories and snuggles tonight. That will help, I promise.
thanks as always Rick. I've got your back and I know u have mine. Wish we could go out and talk in person~!
Redskins=== thanks for posting. I am SO appreciative. It's SUCH a mess. You are right, though. If I didn't know the DB techniques, I would have messed up even more. I noticed that W started texting OW in the middle of our convo.... and that was just, well, ridiculous. At one point she asked me if I wanted to call OW.... Of course I said -- NO, I don't even acknowledge her existence. WHy on earth would I lower myself to talk to her? (actually, i just said -- NO, but you know what I mean??)
thanks for the perspective. U are right. I do believe DBing has prevented many of these nonsense/dead end convos. I just wish when I was in the MIDDLE of one I could DETACH. RICK -- the DETACHING is hardest for me, but I'm practicing and getting better. Stronger every day, with the occasional setback.
Redskins -- I'll go check out your sitch. Thank you so much for posting!! I'm pretty much at a loss- but I'm slowly but surely growing. I guess really, that's all we can truly hope for!!!!!
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
oh and Redskins... it DOES make sense to the LBS to try to reason with the WAS regarding OP. it really makes sense at the time. For example, " Honey, this person is a .....fill in the blank. " and the WAS will suddenly WAKE UP!!!! Damn... I guess all of us go through this. (((HUGS))))) to you redskins just for general purposes!!
What I guess I had forgotten is the damn infatuation stage that they are in...the whole thing about endorphins, drug like feelings, etc..... Why oh why do we try to reason with that nonsense? Better to let them go -- try the 'so called greener grass' and see how it is.
This was a very very long day but I reflected a TON.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
25, my friend -- u seem SO busy lately!~!! Hope all is well with you.
I talked to my DC about the Philly trip. She has to confirm with the provost, and will get back to me NEXT WEEK!!! Blah!!! Once it gets to high administration.... well, who knows. Keep your fingers crossed. U know and I know I need that EE SO BADLY!!!!! OMG i really want to go! I am committed to personal growth , no matter the result with W. (even though Ideally I want us together===I want ME to be OK more.... know what I mean???? )
I hope you have more time to reply soon. Take care!! thank you as always for your time/support/insight. You are a gold mine -- and a genuine caring person. Trust me. I can see that. (((((( hugs))))))
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Just stopping by to check on you. All you can do right now is focus on you and your S. I wish I had better advice but that is what I am doing. I didn't want H to move out but in away although I am really lonely it is better than having someone in the other room who can't stand to look at you. We have been getting along better lately. Who knows what that means.
yes paige, you are absolutely right. S is the most important thing -- and the one thing W seems to kind of toss to the fates~!~
agreed, it is depressing as all hell to have someone in the house who is not 'present' b/c they are preoccupied with OP. I have no idea how we, the LBS make it, but i know we DO. and we even grow and learn..... imagine that. Not making the same mistakes again either with WAS or someone else.
Yeah, i try really hard to convince myself all this learning is worthwhile. I'm starting to see the benefits~~~~ Thank U so much paige for commenting~~ My boy is really all I have to hold on to in the midst of chaos. I love him SO much~~~!!!
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
You are right, though. If I didn't know the DB techniques, I would have messed up even more. I noticed that W started texting OW in the middle of our convo.... and that was just, well, ridiculous. At one point she asked me if I wanted to call OW.... Of course I said -- NO, I don't even acknowledge her existence. WHy on earth would I lower myself to talk to her? (actually, i just said -- NO, but you know what I mean??)
Well that it ridiculous... and very immature.
I'll leave it up to others more wise but I think you might want to consider setting a boundary.
"W.. I cannot stop you from texting OW, however I will not tolerate you texting whist we are having a conversation."
I don't know if that would be a 180 or not.. but I feel like there is a difference between walking away from a situation to protect yourself and being a doormat.
Idk.. maybe I'm channeling starsky right now.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
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