L said I shouldn't go to conference if I'm not feeling safe with D spending nights with exBF. And I don't. Truthfully. He sleeps through her crying. He has all these meds. He says he can't drive at night b/c of the meds he takes. I don't see him as entirely stable at the moment. And I suspect he will be. But ... I'm not ready for that yet. Esp. not when D can't even communicate with me.
She is missing me right now. She cries for me all the time. My heart is torn in two. I've been working 16 hour days and I was doing well and feeling like she was thriving, and then exBF had to throw that stupid curveball. Even the L said it needs to be a transition where I go up to his place with D and we make it a show of being a new place for her, then she naps there, then she stays there alone with him, etc.
I'm currently looking for another apartment, so it's just a lot. The weaning feels like it was too soon, too. She's crying all the time now and asking to nurse (cries and points to her nursing chair); I reassure her, but I'm not even really there right now. I'm just spent.
I have to find something sustainable. Something for her and I that I can afford and also focus on her right now and finding gainful employment. So I'm asking to drop out of the coaching program - even though I got a scholarship. IDK what else to do. I can't focus on it, and I'm behind in it, and then I'm not focused on D. Or even taking much care of me. I love the program sooooo much and love the work, but I want to do it at a time when I can focus on it and give it my attention when I feel D is settled and I'm stable.
This has all been too much at once.
But I'm really wanting to let go of exBF. I do see how I contributed horribly to our demise. But I also now see that without my contribution he is not someone who can be available in an R. I'm not right now either (I mean, I can more than he - but I feel guilty about that b/c of D) but at least it unraveled enough now that I see I was very unhealthy to have been with him.
I'm feeling a thousand times healthier now. I love my new IC. I love taking care of myself. Being independent. I love handling my anger differently. I love having boundaries, and learning to grow love in my own heart and fulfill my needs and find my self.
I just think I have toooooo much going on at once and something's gotta give. If I didn't have to support a family right now, I would stay in the coaching program (i.e. if I had less pressure and exBF were a part of our family) but this is just a crazy time.
I should have said it right from the start, but I was so honored about the scholarship, I didn't turn it down and I did that thing I do that always messes me up - I listened to someone else (my sister in this case) who just said "go for it" even though I knew the timing was wrong.
