Yes, I think it is kind of silly for him to say that about his feelings going away when I make him mad. I know I may have anger or hurt that might float to the top and push the 'loving' feelings down, but they NEVER go away. Feelings most certainly can lie dormant when relationships aren't nurtured. So many times I have felt the love grow cold, but something always blows off the ashes and the embers start blazing again.
For him to acknowledge that we are "a couple" and that he sees me in a "long term relationship" with him and to know that he hasn't been with anyone else for all this time gives me a sense of security because it tells me that he is committed to me and has no plans to be with anyone else. It makes me feel like we really have a chance to make things better, since I'm not just in this relationship till something better comes along for him.
I am the one who has held off having sex for so long. I have wanted affection, though. I really believe sex belongs within the marriage relationship. When I have insisted that he marry me to get sex, he has chosen to be celibate. I am a Christian and beyond that, I believe sex is something precious and shouldn't be handed out freely. The only reason I ended up having sex outside of marriage is because I totally lost my head after my ex-husband found a new wife and I was lonely and desperate and vulnerable. I was looking for attention and affection and I found that I could get it if I would give sex (It was a shock to me that men wanted to get physical on the first date!). I thank God that I did not have sex with several men. Now I am thinking that sex with this particular man, even though we are not legally married, may be a good thing for our family. He says that he is afraid I'll get pregnant again. I am not sure what he is afraid of...if he'll feel more pressured to marry me if he has another child out-of-wedlock, or if he is afraid of birth defects because of our ages.
Yes, only I can answer these hard questions. I want to try Michele's tactics and see what improvements I can see in our situation. I certainly don't WANT to be in a loveless and unsatisfying relationship for the rest of my life. I want a new relationship with the "old" man.
I'm pretty scared about relationships since I thought I'd grow old with my ex-husband and that didn't happen. I think this current man treats me so much better than my ex-H. He may never say, "I love you" but he also doesn't tell me he hates me and otherwise abuse me verbally, like my ex-H did.
I don't know what kind of example I'm setting for my kids. I felt like I really screwed things up getting pregnant with this guy, but now I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation. I think our lives will be less complicated and more stable if we don't bring in outsiders.
You are so right. I miss so much him calling me just because he was thinking of me. I miss him smiling at me and "lighting up" when he'd see me and he'd kiss me and tell me I looked pretty. I miss him pulling me close to him. I miss him spending so much quality time with me. He used to take me on the nicest dates and would go for walks with me and we'd hang out at his house and watch movies and cook together. He DID make me feel loved. I could see it and feel it and hear it in his voice. I was content. If he never made me feel more loved than he did in those first 7 1/2 months (which weren't without bumps in the road, by the way), I know I could be content for the rest of my life. But he doesn't make me feel loved at all now. I feel like we're friends.
We have never lived together and I don't think we will until my 2 older kids are out of the house (6 more years). He does help me financially some (beyond child support), but I try really hard not to ask him for help. I already asked for help this month with car expenses (inspection, registration, oil change adding up to about $115 total)
Thanks for the prayers. I want so much to know what God wants me to do. I know, though, that he'll work things out in his time. I need to be patient.
Sorry about your wife. I guess that happens a lot. I wanted to stay in my marriage with my ex-H, even though it was at the expense of my happiness AND sanity. I want to stay in this relationship with this man, and I really think I can be happy AND sane within it if some things change. If things don't change significantly, I'll have to make some hard decisions, but at this point, I am hoping for a miracle and I'm focusing on positive changes in my life as well as in my relationship.
