In Shock - Be kind to yourself right now. Goodness knows, your W sure isn't going to be, so it's up to YOU to take care of youself. And right now, that means honoring the current space you are in, owning your share of responsibility for what you might have said last night, and then letting it GO. You made a mistake. It happens. You are human...and you are hurting. And frankly, it doesn't sound like you were that bad, anyway, so don't beat yourself up too much. Just acknowledge it and move on. And thank your lucky stars that you are DB'ing, or who knows WHAT you might have said last night! You are in much better control of your emotions than when you started this journey, so be grateful you've had the fortitude to stick to your DB'ing strategies for the most part. You know what? I'll bet they have prevented SO MANY encounters like the one last night.
I must confess to being in a similar situation with my H recently. I heard some things -- negative, of course -- about his OW and stupidly shared them with my H, under the guise of letting him "know what he was getting into". I'm sure you can guess what happened -- he told me he didn't believe me, didn't believe my "source" (whom I wouldn't disclose), and that he had some "sources" of his own who told him the rumors I had mentioned were unfounded. Total f-up on my part. Did more harm than good, and wounded my pride in the process. But you know what? I owned it for the mistake it was, shook it off, and have learned from it. No more discussions about OW at ALL for me. It demeans me, our marriage, and any hope of reconciliation. Plus, it just makes me feel dirty, which is SO not helpful in the self-esteem area.
I hope you had a better day today, and hope you can sit quietly with your S and enjoy some bedtime stories and snuggles tonight. That will help, I promise.
