I am so sorry you are here. With that being said, I am not going to sugar coat anything. I think it is important to know my background before reading my responses to you.
I was married for over 13 year (together almost 16). She left me for another man (didn't know at the time). We got divorced very quickly. I am an entirely different person now and love life. I have dated but am also happy being by myself right now. I am all about people saving their relationships, but not at the expense of their happiness or sanity.
Michelle's book give the best advice, and chance, for someone to save their relationship. But it 100% saves YOU and gives you the best chance to get through anything and come out a better person.
Originally Posted By: Lydia
When we "started over" 3 weeks ago, he said he didn't have feelings for me but he would give it a chance. I said, "I can't make you love me" and he said, "How do you know?" and said he has had feelings for me off and on over the years, but before they can develop, I do something to make him mad, and they go away.
Umm..if I started having feelings for someone, and they made me mad, I would just be mad. The feelings wouldn't go away. It sounds like he is making an excuse there.
Originally Posted By: Lydia
He said he could see us in a long-term relationship after all, and can identify us as a "couple" rather than simply in a "co-parenting" relationship. He said he thought he could give affection and even have sex at some point.
Why is it such a big deal to be a couple? What is his reasons for not having sex? Is it depression or medication maybe?
Originally Posted By: Lydia
He HAS been committed to me for these years,even though it hasn't been a legal marriage.
I get sad and think about how I want to be with someone who LOVES me, but there are many good things about this relationship I am in now with this good man, and if I left it to start a relationship with a new man, there is no guarantee that he would love me forever.
There is no guarentee THIS man will love you forever...You need to think about YOU. You need to be happy with things. I will tell you this...You may think you will never find another "love" like this again, but I promise you, you CAN find an even stronger love.
Originally Posted By: Lydia
How important is it to me for a man to love me if he is doing so many other good things?
Only you can answer that question. Can you be in a loveless relationship and be happy? Can you live with your friend and try to force intimacy? Will that make you happy tomorrow? Next year? 10 years from now??? You need to ask yourself these questions.
Originally Posted By: Lydia
And really, he DOES "care about" me. He has never been "in love" or in a really meaningful relationship. He has had a couple of "crushes" on women who were not available. His longest "relationship" was 4 months and he has always run away from women who wanted to "get serious". He has only started relationships with women he would not consider marrying. This relationship we are in is probably the most meaningful and long lasting that he'll ever have.
Many women would not tolerate being in a relationship with a man who "can't love". I wouldn't if not for the child. I hate thinking that we're only together because of the child, but is that really a bad thing?
Again, only you can answer this. Is this something you can live with for the rest of your life? Is this what you want you child to grow up thinking is a "normal" relationship?
Originally Posted By: Lydia
Now that he has acknowledged that we are "a couple" and are "long term", it has given me a sense of security.
Why does a title give you security? Has his actions and behaviors SHOWN that the title is real? Are you just looking for words without action?
Originally Posted By: Lydia
I'm still going to do the last resort and see what happens. He has got to have some kind of feelings for me, if only I can bring them out. They were there before. It is not like he never found me attractive, enjoyed my company, or had "feelings".
I will say this. Loving someone is a choice. It is your choice to love him and his choice to love you. But there is so much more then just the words. You want to see actions. You want to FEEL loved. You want to see it in his eyes. You want to hear it in the way he speaks to you. You want to feel it in his touch. This is what all of us are looking for in either our spouses, or someone else for those of us who couldn't save our marriages.
So, since you are needing help with your electric bill, I take it you do not live together right now. Is he willing to help you?
I am adding you to my prayer list. BTW..we are neighbors. I live in Huntsville AL!
