lc4, Abbey and NLW - thanks so much for the kind, helpful advice. I really do appreciate it, and am grateful for your words of wisdom.
I've read the Journey from Abandonment to Healing, at least partway through, and it's been somewhat helpful. I definitely struggle with feelings of rejection and abandonment from things I've had to deal with in my childhood, so this situation is bringing all of that "stuff" up again in a truly nasty way. I almost feel like my sad, angry inner child has overtaken the grown up person that is really me and SHE is now running the show. SHE is ruling my thoughts and feelings. SHE is fighting hard to force her husband to come home, to "see the light" and to say he is sorry for his behavior. Trouble is, we all know SHE isn't helping me AT ALL. I need to put that genie back in the bottle and get a grip on my grown up self, but it seems nearly impossible to me right now.
I'm worried that the past 4 weeks or so of us fighting, arguing, and going round and round with arguments that go nowhere have really taken their toll on our situation. He is now saying he has little or no hope of reconciliation at this point. He says he just doesn't see how things can ever get any better. Has love for me but isn't "in love" anymore. Too much anger, bitterness and resentment that he can't get over now. He says I've been so angry, critical and "called him names" (ie, betrayer) since he disclosed the affair that he can't ever trust me again.
Part of me agrees with him that I've been angry and have caused the situation to deteriorate. But part of me is also angry, because he refuses to end his affair, refuses to work on the marriage, and is just being so mean to me that I simply don't know what to do or how to handle it. What else does he expect me to do...grin and bear it?? I know I sould like a whiny baby, and I hate that...but part of me wants to just stomp my feet and scream at him to come home and stop this craziness (again, there goes my inner child!)
OK, so here is my question? Is there truly any hope for this marriage? He is just so set in his ways now. Moving out seems to have done nothing but allow him to see the OW more freely. He misses the kids, but even that isn't enough of a deterrent to get him to work on our marriage. And I'm left behind, totally bewildered, going "what the heck is going on? What happened to my life?" I know it's been a few months and I should be over the shock right now, but honestly, it still hurts nearly as bad as it did the very first day I learned about his affair.
lc4 - what was it, do you think, that made your H give up the OW? Did you just stop referencing her and he eventually gave it up? I'm just so overwhelmed. I don't have any hope at this point that anything I do or don't do is going to have any effect while he is seeing her. So I pose the question: can DBing work in my situation??
I think my plan is to move ahead as though we are heading towards divorce...i.e., I'm going to try to detach emotionally like NLW says so I don't get so wound up when we speak and so I don't have ANY expecations of him right now. I'm also going to do what lc4 suggested and work on my own personal goals. Also, Abbey, you are right -- I need to step up my game when it comes to my appearance when he is around, and try to be more mysterious about where I'm going and with whom. He is a TOTAL control freak, so I think if I can really show him I'm moving on with my life (and truly believe it myself), I might wind up OK either way.
I've read so many of the success stories in the DR book and on this site (and even with lc4!!) that I know things can turn around. But I feel SO hopeless right now, which is really not my nature. I've got to switch my attitude so I can make some changes for myself ... and HOPE they also benefit my marriage.
