Husband Left....

[Accuray]

Yes, that is the million dollar question, if he never sees me, how will he know that I've changed?

Unfortunately you can't really control that, so you can only surrender to that fact. So many of us in this situation pursue DB "in order to get our walkaway spouse back". The *real* reason to pursue DB is for yourself, to make yourself a better person, and to find happiness on your own terms.

That is easy to say, but extremely hard to do for everyone, including me. The theory here, though, is that if you really DO turn things around, improve yourself, learn to find happiness without involving your H, pursue new interests and hobbies, meet new people, etc., 2 things will inevitably happen:

1) Through finding happiness and making new connections, you will need your H less. This will make it easier on you, easier on him, and better longer term if you do reconcile. Check out www.meetup.com in your area -- that's a low pressure, non-threatening way to meet new people. You can start your own event, and then people who are interested "just show up".

2) Your H cannot avoid you forever. Sooner or later, he WILL need to see you, over childcare, will need a favor again, something. The more progress you can make before that happens, the better. When he does see you, you want him to notice a significant change in your attitude, appearance, etc. More importantly, if he doesn't notice, you won't care as much! If you have mutual friends who notice the progress you're making, that will get back to him as well.

A few things to be aware of -- H *does* feel guilty for what he's done to you. He won't share that with you, because that makes him feel even worse. No one wants to feel guilty, so part of the reason he avoids you is undoubtedly to hide from his own guilty feelings. Another thing to be aware of is that in order to justify his actions to himself, he's had to make you the "bad person" in the relationship, even though you're not. He's built a picture of you in his mind that is not fair, and that's the perception he's living with, because it allows him to feel better about what he's done. He certainly doesn't want to think that he's the bad guy, and you're the only other one there, so it must be you! (It's so unfair)

After discovering my wife's EA I got some good advice -- everything you do needs to be calculated to reduce resentment in your spouse if you want them back. If you blame them, get angry, lecture them, they resent you for making them feel worse. If you let them think that your happiness is in their control, by begging, being sad around them, or demanding they resent you for giving them that responsibility. Resent translates to dislike, and that leads to avoidance.

The advice I received was to "normalize" i.e. "everyone enjoys falling in love again, everyone enjoys getting attention from the opposite sex". You can indicate that you understand WHY he does what he does, but stop short of condoning, or saying it's ok, just that he's not evil, he's human and you get it. That takes away the resentment that you blame them.

Then, if you GAL, 180, etc., they are no longer responsible for your happiness, you're doing that by yourself, and more resentment is lifted.

Now, they're free to engage with someone who is having fun, and who doesn't really seem to need them, and that is an attractive scenario to pursue for anyone.

Unfortunately, your H has issues -- he's a serial cheater. He's addicted to the thrill of the chase. In every relationship, the "in love" feeling and the pursuit eventually ends. At that point, the relationship becomes work. In order to do that work, there needs to be motivation. (I will work on this relationship because I feel good about myself when I interact with my spouse).

Your H appears to lack this motivation in any of his longer term relationships -- if he's not motivated, he's not going to seek counseling, he's not going to do the work on himself or the relationship. "Love Must Be Tough" suggests that he needs to undergo a crisis to be willing to change, and that there are things you can do to precipitate that, but the book is mainly oriented to "cake eaters" who want to stay in their marriage and have affairs too, so the prescription may not work if the spouse is ready to leave.

Therefore, if you get him back, but he continues to lie and pursue outside women, do you really want him back? Often when we are left, we want our spouse back because we can't have them. Is that a good reason to want them?

I believe that you love your H, but you probably want him back in a scenario that he's going to be faithful, and committed to you. In order to get that, he's going to need a lot of motivation, and the only way you're going to get there is not to need him anymore.

Tough I know, but in your scenario, GAL seems to be the absolute most important thing you can do.

--Accuray