Saving the M and caring for a baby

[25yearsmlc]

ken and fig both raise good points about forgiving May

you see my signature block talks about it b/c it's the biggest lesson I learned here.

half the contribution I had made to our problems prior to the MLC were b/c I held onto my resentments. Some of them were legitamate but so what?

It did no one any good to ruminate about past wrongs. Remember how your vows (mine at least) said "love does not keep a record of wrongs"? Well I did.

and it kept me from being warm and loving and open b/c I thought that meant h was "taking advantage" of my b/c in effect, I wasn't punishing him enough...oh excuse me, I mean "holding him accountable" which is the euphemism we use to punish.

All under the guise of some BS we tell ourselves b/c we don't want to forgive.

Is it easy? Hell no. And I NEVER saw forgiveness growing up with my parents.

They yelled louder and sometimes hit below the belt or got violent but never were there apologies...until my father's deathbed and he died with a lot of regret.

So I learned to forgive. And I don't believe I have to know "all" to forgive. I can just let go of that set of months. I wasn't perfect either you know.

I see NO value in you knowing anything unless it's that there was NO affair

but is that what you really expect to hear?

Whatever it was, seems over now, right?

And isn't that what really matters, from this day forward?

OTOH if ti's a dealbreaker then that's another matter but I'm not getting that from you.

I DO get a legit need to hear him say he loves you. That's a normal thing to get in a marriage, and one that is working thru a crisis needs it even more.

He said it before all this, right? I mean you are not asking something new of him?

So he needs to know what you need from him? Don't assume he does.

Be fair with him. He's asking when this will be over. Interesting...

Does he mean when are you going to love HIM again?

Or what does he have to do to earn that back,
or when are you going to forgive him?

This is KEY.

Maybe He wants to know if you will ever forgive him and that the marriage can be better than before, FROM THIS DAY FORWARD...

You both want to know that!

IMHO,

you can let go of the past a lot easier if the present is being worked on
and the future looks better.

That would be my focus.

((( )))