yes, I do need to back off again/more. I've done well much of the time. I actually do not bring up OW at all. It's not something I usually even acknowledge. It just all got out of control last night. I think I probably pushed them closer togther..... Great.
I want to save my R SO much -- for us, most importantly for S. But sometimes I think it would be easier if she was not here. I mess up too much (I'm not like dear little cam, but I have really bad moments -- i feel so bad for him. )
I just continue to wonder if separation really breeds separation or if in this sitch we actually need it -- for her to really spend time with (not just the incessant texting of a 13 year old and the occasional hours on the weekend) with OW and really see what she's like. Move past some of the infatuation and see reality. Meanwhile I can begin to heal. I'm just RAW so much of the time when W is home. I really do DB well most of the time.....but then she gets me involved in a R talk (I know, i should have JUST validated...i did some of that, but yes, I said dumb sh!t as well) and when I get involved in the R talk -- I get broken.
My spirit is broken today. I'm pretty much on the floor in a pile of tears. *(not literally, thank god, because I am at work and have S to get later) but I mean -- I FEEL broken, tired, sad, angry..etc..... Like JB said, she is REALLY convincing when saying she doesn't like me, doesn't feel anything for me, no emotional connection, and just wants me to leave her alone. She says she wants nothing from me. She doesn't care if I'm "there for her" like I always am when she has problems/issues..... she said she would talk to anyone the same way she talks to me about those personal problems.
That is NOT true....she is a pretty guarded person. I have to go to class again -- but ANY ANY ANY input is always read, appreciated, and internalized the best I can.
Dragging myself up and out the door..... tail between my legs, makeup hiding the red nose/cheeks/eyes from 3 hours sleep and crying jag.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
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