I guess my question is, w is leaving at the end of this month for long distance destination/seperation/possible D. I will have no daily, weekly, monthly, and possibly yearly interaction with her. How do I show her that I have continued to try to work on my problem areas, which again, regardless of how we work out, must be improved in order for me to become the better person that I can be.
Hello Gunny,
The single best way you can show her is to validate her decision. In other words, let her go on her journey. Don't TALK about the relationship, ACT like you are going to be fine with or with out her, and instead of resisting her CHOICE, just let go.
Work on YOU now, tomorrow, and forever. Let go of your past and promise yourself to improve on every single fault you "feel" you could have been changed.
Letting go and getting a life is the only way you will give her the gift of missing you AND the ability to forgive yourself. IF she likes what you become and sees your changes are for you and NOT to get her back, she might just comeback. You will also benefit in knowing you changed for the better, forever.
The amount of time this takes is almost exhausting. Just accept the fact that this is your unfortunate situation and pick yourself up and MOVE the opposite direction, bettering YOUR life each day, and allow time to heal all wounds.
Unfortunately Gunny you can't show her, she has to see it for herself. Of course physically being gone makes that harder... however, know that even if she was in the same room as you that would be no guarantee that she'd see it any better.
From reading these boards and from my own experience, one common condition is that the WAS is unbelievably self-absorbed. Not necessarily vain... just so consumed by their own dissonance, craziness, and issues that they can't see things happening right in front of them.
I have seen some posts about people using Facebook as a PR tool. Posting photos of their GAL activities, updates, positive attitude, etc... Of course that only works if you're both on Facebook and FB works both directions so prepare yourself to see what she's doing.
Otherwise you have to rely on her hearing about it through friends, acquaintances, and others.
But ultimately the changes you are embarking on, are for YOU not for her anyway. So maybe she notices, maybe she doesn't. But in the end it's for you and she's a secondary actor.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Hello Faith, Thank you for stopping in. Appreciate your words. W returned from her 3 day trip to ohio on Sunday eve. As I posted before, it was terrible watching her leave on Thursday, and it was terrible seeing her come home on Sunday.
I have pretty much validated her trip, have tried very very hard to reduce the talks about r to a bare minimum, started getting into one on sunday when she returned, she said it was very difficult for her to watch me be so sad all the time. We are living in the same place for now, and though I try mightily, often the sadness shows on my face, its almost impossible not to show it. We have been together for 13 years, and except for my tours away with the Marines over the years, have been together through thick and thin, and until june 20th of this year, I thought we were happy. She said on Sunday that for the mozt part the good times outweighed the bad, by far. She has changed over the years, what she needed in a spouse back then is not what she needs now. She is very very self absorbed, as I have read different places on this board, in many ways I am not even on her radar screen.
She is now leaving on the 22nd, as she can no longer bear to deal with the sadness in our house. Although I will miss her with all my heart, it is better that she leave sooner.
Again, thank you for posting. How are things with your sitch, I will read up to bring myself up to speed, have a good day!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
hello working hard. Thank you for stopping in for the words of encouragement. I see that you are relatively new to the board, I hope your sitch continues to work out for you. Is your s receptive to c and working on the marriage? I will read up on your sitch, thanks again for the encouragement, it is greatly appreciated!!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
so, after conversation with w on sunday after she returned from trip to ohio, it seems to me things are pretty much over. She is leaving one week earlier than planned(which, all things being equal, is a good thing, the situation was becoming torturous for her and me). I told her I was not going to be in any hurry to file for d, (we are not filing now because she does not have job lined up out there and she will need to stay on my Health Ins until she finds one). She said she did not expect to hear that from me, that she thought we had agreed that I would file as soon as she got a job. She basically said she thought I was trying to control the sitch,which got her hackles up a bit.
She said she was taking things slow with the om/ea/maybe pa? that lives in the town she is moving to. He is an old flame from teen years who is in middle of d(apparently his w has not lived in their house for 1 year)I wanted to tell her to not get too excited about this guy, in general, these things usually dont work out, but, kept my mouth shut.
She is basically flying out of here, cant get out fast enough now that the finish line is in sight. We are still amicable, both sad, but she harbors some long brewing resentments against me that in an of themselves were minor, but taken in their totality exploded into bomb being dropped.
Oh well, just venting. Very sad sitch. AM galing all the time, IC, SUPPORT GROUPS, EXERCISE, ETC, REALLY SUCKEY TIME, BUT WILL GET TRHOUGH IT. THANKS AGAIN ALL FOR SUPPORT!!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Hey Rick, wondering if you got to a meeting, and if so, how did it go? Mine last night was good, half of the people in there, mostly women, were victims of walk away spouses!! Amazing!!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Hey Gunney thanks for asking. They did not respond to my email besides we put our dog down last night. I will follow up with them. WAS are very special people. Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
have been reading the book "journey from abandonment to recovery" recommended by someone on this board. Very good, explains the reason we tend to get so upset about being deserted/abandoned by loves, spouses, etc. In this time of heartache it has been very useful.
Just ordered the "power of now" from amazon, I think the philosophy could be very helpful right now. Anyone out there read these books or similar. What are your opinions on helpfulness/usefulness? Thanks a bunch!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Gunny Didn't realize there was an OM involved, and that she was moving to pursue OM. That changes everything. I wouldn't recommend dragging your feet because now it just makes you look pathetic. If no OM was involved you would look like a good husband who loves his wife and is willing to give her space.
When there is an OM involved you just look like you can't accept what is clear to her, she has found what could be a better man.
Remain amicable, but don't stall keep up her space in the divorce, let her know she will lose you.
As for OM it's as good as done, she is his not yours anymore. The only way you will get her back is when all the fantasy goes away when and if OM turns into a dud, and then turns around and sees how smoothly paved the way back home is. Sorry to be a downer but she is in a hurry because she saw OM and things went well. I think you should follow her speed, if she speeds up move along with her.
You may love her, but it is not your job to provide for someone who clearly (at least for the time being) never intends to recirprocate.
Distance to discover herself fine, help all you can. Her pursuing someone else you should not endorse or sponsor that.
Do not enable her, let OM do that if he is so wonderful.
