W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore.

[Snowman]

No but I don't like leaving it on to burn the house down. I don't think my wimpy stance that I'm taking is getting any action. She is just shutting me out and walking on me. I think it is time to call the bluff on her swinging the D sword or other I'm done swords around. She claims she is working on herself or whatever but how can you be working on something and mean while shoving me out of your life and acting like an idiot. I'm growing old of this situation with no progress or sign from the other end. She can't live another life and keep what little one with me in stand still.

What does the audience think?

[MrBond]

"She claims she is working on herself or whatever but how can you be working on something and mean while shoving me out of your life and acting like an idiot."

That's your perspective. You're not your W. Your big issue is that you don't like not having control over your W's actions. Let that go. Control your own actions and see how you can lead her actions. For her, "working things out" doesn't mean with you. She means within herself. She wants to experience other guys or whatever, unfortunately that's her choice. She may find out she doesn't like it and that she likes what she has with you instead. You don't know and you can't control it.

And most importantly, you're not taking a "wimpy" stance. Standing for your M is the most toughest thing anyone can do. When your W runs away then that's wimpy.

[Snowman]

Mr. Bond

I know I don't like not having control over her actions and I need to let go but her actions do still affect me since we are married. I'm working to let go but it is hard as everyone knows. She continues to use indecisive phrases about being done which just drives me more crazy. If she does want to experience other guys then I'm not willing to wait around for her to do so.

I agree it is not a wimpy stance for my M but I am suffering all the pain and doing all the work while she is cake eating. I will know that I did everything I could to save my marriage despite my W's action.

Journaling,

My MIL got the bad stomach flu and she has diabetes. I got a call at midnight from her new husband that lives far away because the MIL is working on moving. He told me she was very sicking and slurring her speech. He didn't have the MIL kids numbers and so he googled our house phone number. I happened to be on FB and saw W brother on there who told the other brother. He called me to figure out what was going on and how to get someone over there. The youngest brother lived the closest but was not answering the phone. The other brother in Californina called my wife and started to tell some of the story so of course my wife calls me to yell at me asking why I didn't call her and I had literally just barely found out and she had my son as well. I was beside myself that she had the gaul to call me when I getting ready to walk out the door to help her mom who is very sick. She tells me she is going to her moms and that I don't need to go in a hostile voice. My wife though I had some vindictive motive or something which is completely ridiculous. I told her brother about it moments later and he said that that is just f'ed up she would do that. I really don't get how you can call just to yell at me about going to help your mom, she is angry at the world.

They did end up calling the paramedics and taking her to the hospital. I think she had hyperglycemia as her blood sugar was off the charts. I told my wife what she did cut straight to the heart and that I did nothing wrong. She was mad I called her brother but I never did, he called me. She was completely in the wrong and I said she couldn't put this on me. What a joke. Sorry I'm venting but I just don't deserve this treatment at all in this situation. Patience worn thin!

[workinghardguy]

What do you want to happen? If you want to call her bluff, then call it... but if it's not a bluff then I hope you're ready for the fallout.

You'll hear on these boards that you should add "right now" on the end of almost any WAS comment, saying, or action. She's all over the map right now... she really made you angry, ok....

Ultimately you're in control of yourself. So she unfairly yelled at you and was harsh and mean. No offense, but big deal... yes it hurts but that can't be the first time that's happened in your life. You can forgive her and move along or you can't. But if you can't forgive over something like that then it's going to be a long, long road.

Last night my wife and I discussed her hiding from the world that we are married on her Facebook profile. It really hurt me. She didn't intend that to happen, she didn't even think I'd notice. She just didn't want the reminder of all the dysfunction every time she's on there. Well, that's what she says at least and I can only take her words at their value.

So I could remain angry at her and let it poison me, poison my day with the kids, and poison the PMA I continue to work on. Or I can let it go... it's her life, her FB page, and ultimately her choice. I can have a great day with the kids, forge a stronger bond with them, and provide her even more reason to find a bond a with me or renew our bond.

You absolutely can't make it about her working on things. Because you have no control over that. If she does... great. If not, you can still work on you and hope it makes a difference.

In the end you end up with a better you and maybe a better M. But if not at least you get a better you.

[Truegritter]

I would like to help her with it but she he shut me out so tho speak and I have been doing the LRT so I have not be initiating contact.

The bad news is you can't help her with this.

She must decide to do it herself.

Crazy people don't think they are crazy.

I use a broad stroke there in defining "crazy"

Another way of saying it is she doesn't think she is part of the problem.

Or at least enough of the problem to surrender to owning it and commiting to work on it herself.

Until she does, you'll find her not having much empathy for you or her taking much responsibility for the demise and repair of your M.

The weak man is the one who doesn't recognize this and tries to control her.

That man will lose the battle of saving his M and lose himself.

Get busy on what YOU control.

You have some choices to make.

What are you prepared to do for your M if you are not guaranteed it can be saved?

What kind of man do you aspire to be?

From these questions you can set some goals for yourself.

[In_Shock]

And most importantly, you're not taking a "wimpy" stance. Standing for your M is the most toughest thing anyone can do. When your W runs away then that's wimpy. [/quote}]
I just wanted to second this = MrBond is great anyway but this was too good to pass up. Starting over - with no past, just a brand new life yet unwritten. That's EASY. Trying to mend the past, grow, work honestly on keeping love alive and the M strong. THAT is definitely the hardest thing in the world. I can see why so many people give up. I

[Snowman]

Thanks for all the great feedback. I know that I need to control what I can control which is me. I realized my wife took my wife sons favorite movie without me even knowing and I decided that I would not let it bother me. I got another copy and just fixed the problem myself.

I will after reflecting some more and getting a copy of DR that I really do think my wife has a psychiatric problem of bipolar or depression. This is not just based off what has happened recently but through our entire marriage. I know my wife's counselor who is a psychologist referred her to a psychiatrist so that is a 3rd party see such symptoms. She has not told me or others that love her about it other than she went. My wife has always seemed have lashing out anger problems, anger, feeling empty, communication problems, and we even got her test by an endocrinologists for that as a possible problem. Many people are convinced she has this problem as well, even her own family members. I'm not trying to place blame on her as I think I have things to work on but I really think she has an undiagnosed issue. I love her and want to help her but she has shut me out maybe due to being embarrassed about it or whatever else, who knows. Everyone that showed concern about her issue she has pretty much pushed out of her life so I think that is a tell tell sign that there is something to it but she doesn't want to deal with it or hear it.

I agree that working on my marriage is not "wimpy" stance at all and it is by far the hardest thing to do. I will keep working on making me a better person and make the changes I want to make.

I'm going to see my MIL tomorrow that about died through the experience I explained above. She has helped me through my situation and I feel good about going to see her. I'm going with my BIL as the rest of my W's family knows I love them and support them. Thanks for all the great help and advice. Keep it coming to help me get through this.

[Snowman]

So I have a question, should I be going dark or showing affection. I was controlling in the marriage but I'm more than certain that my wife thinks I didn't show affection through the various forms. I have been pretty much dark for weeks now (some backsliding) and have not really seen any change. I'm just not sure the dark approach is working or not. Kind of lost.

My wife is either in a MLC or otherwise conflicted. Should I continue the dark path or try a 180 and show affection of some sort?

[MrBond]

"I'm more than certain that my wife thinks I didn't show affection through the various forms."

Did she tell you that? If she didn't then it's not a big deal for her.

In fact, I'm not entirely sure why you went dark in the first place. Going dark is not the LRT. It's about not contacting them every second of the day. LRT is when you agree to a D.

[Snowman]

Well I more of went dim on things because dark is not possible with a kid. GAL man suggested it and I was struggling hard at the time as well as everything felt like I was doing was pushing her away further.

My wife basically said I didn't do anything right when she dropped the bomb on me. She claimed we didn't do things together, we didn't talk, we didn't this, we didn't that, etc.

We are separated and my wife likes to threaten with the words about being done, divorce, doesn't love me/attracted to me, or anything like that but she in no way is decided from what I have heard from others. I have doing LRT because I felt like I was past the point of other things working besides maybe 180's.

I'm really not sure what I should be doing at this point. Our communication is strictly about our kid and limited at that. I have probably pushed my wife away even more for all I know. I don't want to be the controller or pursuer anymore as I don't think that is working.

I did pick up DR and reading that now. It has been a good read so far but I'm only a little into it. Not sure what approach I should take at this point other than working on me. Ahhhhh!