Wife no longer in love with me - Part 4

[cam]

What about going dark? Not in a way to see if w misses you, but with the understanding that you are not in a place to deal with your sitch at the moment and you aren't doing any good to your w, your m, or you until you can work through some

Thanks for your support Val.
I tried going dark for a few weeks but I don't know what it will achieve. My W has gone dark on me since this happened and she moved out. It's her way of dealing with things - to put it behind her and ignore it.
There is limited contact now anyway. It's just hard on me when I see her and she cries about us, or last night when I spoke to her she calls me 'baby'. There is no animosity and it makes me then talk R and tell her the path is always open if she would like to join me on working on our M. To which she said I know, thank you.

[cam]

Bottom line: Do you love her and want to stay married to her? If not, then stop complaining about missing her. It's what you want right?

If not, then you have to start being more patient and understanding. You've only been in this for 2 and a half months. Some have been at it for years.

And let's face it, its not realistic to think that your next relationship is going to be perfect either. If you haven't learned what made your relationship fail (you say you do, but you haven't changed), it will fail again.

Thanks Bond, they are all good points. In a way I feel I need to focus on myself as it has all been about her, so I need to look after myself and if that's moving on and giving up then that may be the answer.

Do I love her? Yes I still do....BUT....I don't want to. I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me. It's humiliating and sad. I want to stay married, but it would take a miracle to do so.....as she says a lot has happened between us over the last few months. I know that with work I can forgive her and we could be stronger from this, but she doesn't. She feels that if this is happening now in our M, then theres no way we can continue and bring kids into it in the future, so she has to get out now.

I have learnt a lot why this M failed. A lot about myself and my W too. My IC has been very good at this, but it frustrates me because I still take a lot of the blame, where she doesn't.
I feel like I have wasted 8 yrs of my life and I am struggling so much because I was one of the first to get married out of my friends, and now they're all having kids, loving life and happy......and I am the only one who is single and may never have that.

[cam]

Thanks Jack, I was hoping for your insight one of these days!

I know that doesn't work, nothing has to date.
It's just so hard and frustrating when my W talks to me and cries or calls me 'baby' and I start asking her if this is what she really wants and why are we doing this.
Maybe if she was a complete bitch to me, nasty and horrible then this would be a lot easier.
Yesterday when we spoke I was all ok and being forthright and asking her what she wants to do.....but as soon as she sounds sad and messed up, I chase. I know it's all wrong.....and my DB coach would yell at me again.

I think if I have a give up mentality then it may help me detach and act as if it's all over anyway and see where that takes me. Who knows.

[aeolianchaos]

Cam my Man, i feel your pain. The thing is, I think your solutions for YOU are right in front of your eyes.

I just get so down when I miss her so much and think about everything we were supposed to do in our lives together and now she will do that with someone else. I am just broken.

You see how this works, right?

Everytime.. you are like a clock with these habits of thought. And when the bell strikes, out comes the cuckoo.

So stop winding that clock. It isn't fixing anything. It isn't changing anything. It isn't going to change anything.. except make you more miserable and less effective at doing the exact things you need to do to take care of you.

Just as an experiment, try writing down the date and time everytime you find yourself thinking about your W. Write down what you thought, on a scale of 1-10 how it made you feel, and what you were thinking right before you thought that.

Do it for a week. Try it out. See whats up.

[MrBond]

You've really got to stop with the 'I' statements. You really don't see what everyone's telling you. You've made this all about yourself which is why you're failing. And let me tell you, if you don't learn that lesson, your next R will crumble for that very same reason.

Anyhow, ask anyone in a long term relationship if they are ALWAYS in love with their spouse. They are very rare. You learn together and you grow. There are peaks and valleys. Everyone has them.

"I want to stay married, but it would take a miracle to do so"

Not true. If you actually truly listened to what people advised you here, you would be in a much better place. Who knows? If you actually tried to DB, you might find yourself in a better position. Your attitude right now is that you're ready right now, so she better step up. Doesn't work that way.

"I know that with work I can forgive her and we could be stronger from this, but she doesn't."

You forgive for yourself. The way you make it sound is that you're better than her. If you come across like that in your posts, can you imagine how you must sound to her?

"She feels that if this is happening now in our M, then theres no way we can continue and bring kids into it in the future, so she has to get out now."

Again. Trust. She doesn't trust you. And the holier than thou attitude isn't helping much.

"it frustrates me because I still take a lot of the blame, where she doesn't."

Again, you want her to be wrong. I can guarantee you that she feels alot of guilt over this. But when you keep chastising her, it makes it real easy to get over that.

"I feel like I have wasted 8 yrs of my life and I am struggling so much because I was one of the first to get married out of my friends, and now they're all having kids, loving life and happy......and I am the only one who is single and may never have that."

Again. You're just thinking about yourself. That's why your W wants out. I don't think I've recalled reading something about where you wrote about your W's needs and what you've been doing to help with that.

Alot of your posts are all about you and what you need. Well you're not the one walking out and the last time I checked, a M is about giving your spouse what they need. It's not expecting what you need.

Its your expectations (she has to apologize, she needs to feel this, she should feel that) that is killing your M. Not your W.

[cam]

OK thanks Bond, I get it. (tried not to use "I" there but couldn't help it

I don't think I'm better than her. It was probably one of my faults that I was at times too cocky and arrogant, I did think I was better than some people. I am very successful in work and I got promoted very quickly and quite senior and it went to my head...I was a d*ck at times. I now look around and realise I am no better than anyone, I am probably worse off and I am extremely humbled and embarassed at where I am at and how I was at times. The only reason I may come off sounding better than my W is that I have more of a fight instinct than her and I don't understand her, and maybe never will. But its not that I think I'm better, its more a frustration.

I really don't know what my W's needs are at the moment, other than to have no contact and move on and put our marriage behind her. I know what her needs were now and why she has reacted this way: I wasn't loving enough, I wasn't appreciative enough, the M wasn't even enough, it was all about me, I didn't tell her she was beautiful etc etc - there's heaps of them.
As for now, I don't know, so I don't know how I can address anything.
She doesn't trust me at all, I have done a lot wrong since she left, a lot out of desperation and anxiety. I have shown her a side of me that I didn't even know existed, a panicked state that was very messed up. As for now, I am more confident and calm around her until she gets sad or says something and then I chase.
As far as I know, all she wants is space to be left alone and then split our assets and divorce. she won't tell me anything else anymore.
Having no kids gives us no reason to interact, and thats what is so hard.

[cam]

Just as an experiment, try writing down the date and time everytime you find yourself thinking about your W. Write down what you thought, on a scale of 1-10 how it made you feel, and what you were thinking right before you thought that.

Do it for a week. Try it out. See whats up.

Thanks Aeo, that's an interesting idea....I will give it a go, I may need a lot of paper though as there's a lot of thoughts

My IC also told me to have "worry time", where I set aside some time each day and that's when i think about my W and sitch, and try and contain all thoughts to only have them during that time. Think i need to set an alarm to remember to do this each day!

[aeolianchaos]

Cam,

If you are diligent with it.. you will be surprised at what you learn.

You could probably apply it to a lot of things that make you anxious.

The first week I did it-- I nearly filled a notebook. I developed a lot of shorthand to the point where I could recognize a familiar thought and call it out with one or two word like 'X thinks...'

I'm actually going to start doing it again, because I think I'm self-sabotaging in my search for employment.

[Truegritter]

Cam

All I will say to add to what has been said here to you is:

Love or do not. There is no condition. There is no BUT or if

... in real love.

Real love?

Let me ask you

How would you like to be loved? Only when you are calm and peacefeul and happy and content?

Or

When you are scared and full of doubt, fear and uncertainty? When you are trying to find your way and can't. When you are so scared you RUN away?

So scared that you are incapable of seeing the needs of your spouse.

When would you most want to be loved and understood?

I am not making excuses for your W. She is running away.

So do you want to love in the same way?

Which way makes you a victim and which way is a choice by you and controlled only by you?

Love is a choice not a condition.

To love that way is the toughest lesson to learn because you may feel pathetic and weak for a while...

Until you realize that YOU control the only part of love that matters

That what you give away. Without needing what comes back.

You want to invoke miracles? Take aim at this goal for yourself.

So you say you love your W?

And she should love you too?

What if she thinks you don't love her?

Then by your definition she shouldn't want to love you right?

There is an opportunity to learn something here Cam.

[NLW]

Truegritter,
That was a great post.
It really resonated for me. Acting from a position of love and compassion is the only way I can see to get through this whole experience with a WAS/MLC-er.

I've copied your wise words for future reflection.

Thanks so much, NLW