Well, for the past month or so I've been posting over in newcomers, but thought I'd move over here since my situation has deteriorated significantly and I'm just not sure where to turn anymore.
My H is having an affair with his high school girlfriend, who is also married (separated now) with 4 kids. He says he has "feelings" for her, and has refused to end the affair "at this time" (he always throws that line in for effect). This is TOTALLY out of character for him (although I'm sure most people say that!) -- he is truly a person of integrity, or was until this all started -- and he has really morphed into someone I don't even recognize. No one in our lives believed it when they heard he was having an affair. Not his family, my family, or any of our friends (and we are very social people and have LOTS of friends). Everyone was shocked. To be honest, I even think he's a little shocked that he did it. He actually wound up confessing to me because he couldn't deal with the guilt any longer. But now that the A is out there, he seems fine. I, on the other hand, feel like crap. Every day is a struggle.
He has moved out "while we figure things out", but our relationship is going downhill quickly...mostly because I can't seem to get out of my own way. I am just SO angry and hurt by his behavior. I swear, I have EVERY intention of appearing calm, cool and collected every time I see him but somehow manage to devolve into an angry shrew every single time I interact with him these past few weeks. It is awful. I can't get a grip on myself, and it's totally killing me. And it's just pushing him farther and farther away from me.
I've been consumed by this affair ever since he disclosed it back in July. I swear I have read nearly EVERY affair book & learned about every affair philosophy out there, but I seem to get more confused every day. What is the best strategy to cope and try to DB while your spouse is having an affair??? I've read Michele's book a hundred times now, but cannot seem to let go and calm myself and appear to be "detached" when I see my H. We have young children (ages 5 and 9) and he is over a lot to see them, so we are forced to interact a ton. And every time I see him, get angry, lob a few sarcastic and hateful barbs at him, and then duck for cover, I know I've just given him more fuel/justification for why our marriage isn't working. But I can't seem to do things differently.
I've tried to go "dark" as much as I can, but always manage to slip up and break my own silence. Going dark is really just for me to try to cope and get a handle on my emotions better, but I can't even seem to do that.
I'm a competent, confident woman with a very full life...tons of friends, a happy and fulfilled outlook on the world, lots of hobbies, a job I love. I am a fighter, too...I never give up, I never quit, and I don't back down when things get tough. But truthfully, this situation has turned me into an angry, hysterical, dependent, needy mess. And I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand MYSELF right now.
Any advice would be appreciated. PLEASE give me honest feedback on how to do things differenty. I do want to save my marriage, but know I am currently part of the problem. My H, well, he's another story, but I can't control what he does right now. I need to get a grip on ME, and yet, I'm struggling.
