Not quite in midseason form...yet

[MadeToSucceed]

It was raining still on Sunday and part of me just wanted to stay in bed but when it was all said and done, I knew I needed to go to church. The rest of my family slept in but I had to get up and go so I made my way there in the rain. I cried during the service. The sermon was the conclusion of a series about Breaking Through Unhealthy Mindsets. It helped me realize some of my own issues that have been created in my own mind. Much of what we discuss in DB'ing applies...avoiding things that cause you to focus on things you cannot control, etc. It was exactly what I needed.

I spent a little time with my family before hitting the road again to head back home. When I got to town I stopped by a friend's mother's house. My friend was in town and I was invited over to eat a good home cooked meal and watch some football. It was good to be around people I love in a safe environment. That's the part that is always so hard when I leave family and friends...that I'm heading back to an apartment where I'm all alone. When I finally went back to my apartment I stayed up late watching some TV because I was honestly just afraid of the nightmares again.

This morning I woke up late. It was raining and I just didn't want to get out of bed. I read my devotional and boy did that help me turn around my mood. It was about the power of words (and to a further extent, thoughts). I was grouchy when I realized I'd overslept and was about ready to start complaining to myself about how I didn't want to go to work but I took a deep breath and decided I needed to refocus before I ruined my day and week. This is one I really needed personally because like many of us, I think I end up defeating myself more times than not with the words I speak (or thoughts I think), more so privately than publicly these days.

When I looked in the mirror this morning it knocked me over the head that I just complain TOO MUCH at times and unfortunately, that could be hindering someone else's growth as well as my own. Probably 9.9 times out of 10 the problem isn't with someone else but rather with the person that looks me in the mirror each day. Whether it's publicly or privately, I'm hoping to find a way to take the good with the bad in a fashion where each person I come in contact with will wonder what it is that drives me and if I get an opportunity to share with them the source of my strength (our Father above) I can do so with a bit more conviction.

There's too much for me to be thankful for each and every day to complain over the things that don't matter in the grand scheme. I woke up this morning, I have family and friends who love and care about me, I have a job, I was blessed to be part my best friend's wedding this past weekend and I could sit here and list plenty more reasons I have to just stop "speaking" so much negativity into my own life. Not trying to preach to anyone today...that was just on my heart for me personally and I thought I'd share.

With all that being said, I often struggle to practice what I "preach." I feel like I give great advice but can't take my own. The remainder of the day after has been a roller coaster of sorts but I keep trying to come back to a calm center. I had to turn in a bunch of documents to my L today and have some more due on Friday. Next week is mediation. The day that I've been hoping would never come is getting closer and closer. I was also informed by a seemingly out of the loop former teammate of mine that my W was actually with OM a few days before our anniversary and is supposed to be with him again this week. My teammate thought he was making me aware of the first incident and has no idea how long this has been going on. That made me feel some kind of way. What's been the point of my W contacting me on our anniversary if just days before she was with OM? I've been doing my best to keep what they do out of my mind but I can't lie and say hearing that didn't kind of piss me off.

All the same, I have class to get through tonight. I've taken to trying to find a new place to watch Monday Night Football when I get out of class on Mondays so I'll try that as well tonight. Then it'll be a long evening of studying. I have an exam tomorrow night.