Not quite in midseason form...yet

[MadeToSucceed]

I woke up with a considerable amount of anxiety this morning. Not really sure why. I found myself reflecting on the past couple of days before bed last night. Even when I was at the bar on Monday night I couldn't help but think "W would love this."

Last night I had class and then I went to a local taco shop. It was National Taco Day and so they had $1 tacos. Couldn't help but think "W would love this." I even found myself watching a couple of TV shows and there were a couple love scenes in them and it made me reflect on the physical aspect of our R as well. Crazy to imagine but this time next week it'll be 7 months since I last had sex with my W. Never quite imagined that.

I think I need to be cautious of what I do late at night so that I can go to bed with a more "positive" outlook and thus, wake up with a better one.

I also found out that my brother is struggling again in college. I want to help him so bad but he won't really let anyone. I'd LOVE for him to move in with me and go to school here that way I could help him. He's a smart kid but he's lost in others expectations for him and he gets it ingrained in his mind that he can't do something.

I'm about to head to noon Bible Study now and I'm hoping that will help some of my feelings subside. I don't know what it is. I can't quite put my finger on it. Ever since I woke up my anxiety has just been increased. Like something just isn't "right" but I don't really know what "it" is specifically.

[jbnati]

Ever since I woke up my anxiety has just been increased. Like something just isn't "right" but I don't really know what "it" is specifically.

I'm sure a lot of it is stress. That's pretty normal in our situations. Part of it may be that you're coming down from tearing it up over the weekend in the GAL department.

Just remember who you were, who you are now, and where you're going. The enemy will continue to attack that and try to tear it down.

[MadeToSucceed]

My Bible Study helped a ton yesterday. It was like the feelings subsided almost instantly. I ended up going back to work for a few hours. I also had a long conversation with one of my best friends. He and I have been at odds a bit over the past few months and there's been an unusual amount of tension between us. We were able to talk it out and squash it which was a weight off of both of our shoulders.

I went back to my church last night for the opening night of a revival/church conference. There were musicians that performed and even a dance group so it was a good night of getting to worship.

When I got out of church one of the women in our wedding had sent me a text message asking why does she always have to check on me sarcastically. I ended up calling her and she asked how I was doing. Told her I was doing well. She said my W mentioned we'd interacted on our anniversary and I told that we in fact had. She said that my W admitted to her that it was much tougher than she expected that it would be. She also said she told my W that she thinks we should talk at some point before mediation and that she advised my W to try to search within herself as to what she wanted to "do" and make sure it was a decision not influenced by anyone else.

The mutual friend was basically just saying that she's proud of me for my growth (I mainly talked to her about my networking and career opportunities rather than my W and our sitch). She even told me she noticed my picture on fb (she being the friend, not necessarily my W) and that I looked really good. LOL.

All in all, I think it felt good to know that someone...probably multiple someones...is/are supportive of the way I'm choosing to handle things.

I just came back from a luncheon at work. I'll get to pick up some of my altered clothes today as well so I'm anxious about that. In about 45 minutes I'll get to meet with my pastor so I'm looking forward to talking with him. I was also invited by the president of my university's Alumni Association to his home for their 14th annual pre game event they have for the big game that is taking place this weekend. I'll go there straight from meeting with my pastor. I won't get to go to the game itself since I'll be out of town at my friend's wedding this weekend but this is another great networking opportunity for me. Then I have to pick up my tux for the wedding and finally make my way to campus for class this evening. I may meet up with some friends that are in town this evening after class for a late happy hour and to top it all off, I was invited to ANOTHER private university event tomorrow downtown where the president of my alma mater as well as several other university officials, corporate sponsors, former coaches, etc. will be in attendance. It's an event that's been going on for 30+ years so I'm looking forward to attending it right before I hit the road.

Call it extreme and compressed GAL'ing if you will!

[25yearsmlc]

I call it extreme GAL and it's good stuff!!

[jbnati]

Very nice, MTS. Way to GAL!

[MadeToSucceed]

I spoke with my pastor yesterday. It wasn't really "discouraging" but it was a reality check. He essentially said what many of you have. At some point I do have to look at what she is showing me and despite searching for the intrinsic good in her I have to recognize her actions are still leading towards D. He and I discussed the possibility of me reaching out to see if we can talk prior to mediation in two weeks and just allow my W to say what is on her mind and/or see if this is "really it" in her mind given the nature of our conversation on our anniversary. That's something I'll have to think more about and probably even discuss on here with you good people as well as my DB coach Lenni. The letter doesn't seem appropriate at this point.

I couldn't make it to the networking event yesterday. I ended up picking up and trying on my tux for the wedding this weekend. That kind of took me to an odd place because all the feelings of my own wedding came flooding back so I struggled some last night.

I ended up going to a sports bar with a friend that was in town to catch the ending of the Tigers/Yankees game after class. I'm all packed up to hit the road. Leaving my office now and heading to the big pre-game bash before I head out of town. Hoping it'll get my mind off of things.

[jbnati]

MTS, you're pastor's right, all of your W's actions say D. No question. You definitely need to be cognizant of that. I'm also trying to see where "believe none of what they say and 50% of they do."

He and I discussed the possibility of me reaching out to see if we can talk prior to mediation in two weeks and just allow my W to say what is on her mind and/or see if this is "really it" in her mind given the nature of our conversation on our anniversary.

I am curious on what kind of answer you would really get. Would you get a true answer ot would it just be an answer that fits her agenda?

Hang in there, man. I hope you crush it again this weekend GAL'ing!

[MadeToSucceed]

The event on Friday was amazing! I saw a couple of my old coaches, met some very influential people in college sports and saw plenty of familiar faces. Just being there made me feel honored and being able to communicate with people about something I'm passionate about made me feel GREAT. I finally hit the road early that afternoon and made it to my destination right in time for the wedding rehearsal on Friday evening. It was kind of surreal. I didn't really feel down but I felt like I had an obligation to make sure things went smoothly since I was the only one in the wedding party who had been married. Afterwards we went back to my friend's house where his grandmother had cooked. I was beyond tired so I caught a quick nap before we went out that evening. We had a good time but being back in my hometown, I knew I'd run into SOMEONE eventually and I did. She basically said she kind of knew what was going on in my sitch but for me to stay strong and that she was praying for me.

[MadeToSucceed]

I got up early on Saturday to go get my haircut from my long time barber. We had a good talk. He knows me really well and was someone who helped me from afar early in my sitch. He's going to try to put me in contact with a friend of his in collegiate athletic program so that I can network some more. Afterwards I went to meet up with the guys to watch some football before the wedding that afternoon. It was supposed to be an outdoors wedding but it rained so we had to move it indoors at the venue. When the ceremony was about to begin it ALL came flooding back to me. I remember every detail of my wedding day because I was so excited to be getting married to the woman of my dreams. I still miss that. I LOVE being a husband. I can continue to say that unequivocally.

There was a point in the service where the pastor presiding over it made the following statement: "As you can see by the rain, the devil has been busy today trying to stop what is taking place here. Anytime two young people are making a commitment before God it makes the enemy mad. It's good to see two people willing to make that ultimate commitment but know that this is just the beginning and you'll face many trials along your journey." It took everything in me to choke back the tears. That is exactly how I felt on my wedding day and exactly how I feel now...that the devil would do anything to destroy my marriage and in many ways, has been relatively successful based on where things are as of today.

I had a good time at the reception but hit a point where I was alone. I looked up and everyone was slow dancing. All the girls in the wedding had boyfriends that were there. I was literally sitting at a table by myself being flooded with emotion. I went and grabbed my friend's two year old and picked her up and was dancing around with her for a minute but it eventually came right back. I went outside to let a few tears fall out of everyone's sight and just became increasingly uncomfortable whenever the slow songs were played. My two best friends (the one who got married and another that was in the wedding) both know me well enough to know I was having a tough time. One of them told me to remember that everything happens for a reason and I know he's right. I did everything I could to stay up beat. I think I looked pretty good in my tux but as the night wore on all the love in the air was suffocating me.

I was SOOOOOO happy for my friend but at the same time it was like a scene on Law & Order where they visit the morgue. I felt in my mind I was literally replaying every piece of my relationship.

That night I didn't sleep well at all. I had several dreams about my W and it took everything in me not to call her when I woke up.

[MadeToSucceed]

It was raining still on Sunday and part of me just wanted to stay in bed but when it was all said and done, I knew I needed to go to church. The rest of my family slept in but I had to get up and go so I made my way there in the rain. I cried during the service. The sermon was the conclusion of a series about Breaking Through Unhealthy Mindsets. It helped me realize some of my own issues that have been created in my own mind. Much of what we discuss in DB'ing applies...avoiding things that cause you to focus on things you cannot control, etc. It was exactly what I needed.

I spent a little time with my family before hitting the road again to head back home. When I got to town I stopped by a friend's mother's house. My friend was in town and I was invited over to eat a good home cooked meal and watch some football. It was good to be around people I love in a safe environment. That's the part that is always so hard when I leave family and friends...that I'm heading back to an apartment where I'm all alone. When I finally went back to my apartment I stayed up late watching some TV because I was honestly just afraid of the nightmares again.

This morning I woke up late. It was raining and I just didn't want to get out of bed. I read my devotional and boy did that help me turn around my mood. It was about the power of words (and to a further extent, thoughts). I was grouchy when I realized I'd overslept and was about ready to start complaining to myself about how I didn't want to go to work but I took a deep breath and decided I needed to refocus before I ruined my day and week. This is one I really needed personally because like many of us, I think I end up defeating myself more times than not with the words I speak (or thoughts I think), more so privately than publicly these days.

When I looked in the mirror this morning it knocked me over the head that I just complain TOO MUCH at times and unfortunately, that could be hindering someone else's growth as well as my own. Probably 9.9 times out of 10 the problem isn't with someone else but rather with the person that looks me in the mirror each day. Whether it's publicly or privately, I'm hoping to find a way to take the good with the bad in a fashion where each person I come in contact with will wonder what it is that drives me and if I get an opportunity to share with them the source of my strength (our Father above) I can do so with a bit more conviction.

There's too much for me to be thankful for each and every day to complain over the things that don't matter in the grand scheme. I woke up this morning, I have family and friends who love and care about me, I have a job, I was blessed to be part my best friend's wedding this past weekend and I could sit here and list plenty more reasons I have to just stop "speaking" so much negativity into my own life. Not trying to preach to anyone today...that was just on my heart for me personally and I thought I'd share.

With all that being said, I often struggle to practice what I "preach." I feel like I give great advice but can't take my own. The remainder of the day after has been a roller coaster of sorts but I keep trying to come back to a calm center. I had to turn in a bunch of documents to my L today and have some more due on Friday. Next week is mediation. The day that I've been hoping would never come is getting closer and closer. I was also informed by a seemingly out of the loop former teammate of mine that my W was actually with OM a few days before our anniversary and is supposed to be with him again this week. My teammate thought he was making me aware of the first incident and has no idea how long this has been going on. That made me feel some kind of way. What's been the point of my W contacting me on our anniversary if just days before she was with OM? I've been doing my best to keep what they do out of my mind but I can't lie and say hearing that didn't kind of piss me off.

All the same, I have class to get through tonight. I've taken to trying to find a new place to watch Monday Night Football when I get out of class on Mondays so I'll try that as well tonight. Then it'll be a long evening of studying. I have an exam tomorrow night.