Not quite in midseason form...yet

[MadeToSucceed]

I got up early on Saturday to go get my haircut from my long time barber. We had a good talk. He knows me really well and was someone who helped me from afar early in my sitch. He's going to try to put me in contact with a friend of his in collegiate athletic program so that I can network some more. Afterwards I went to meet up with the guys to watch some football before the wedding that afternoon. It was supposed to be an outdoors wedding but it rained so we had to move it indoors at the venue. When the ceremony was about to begin it ALL came flooding back to me. I remember every detail of my wedding day because I was so excited to be getting married to the woman of my dreams. I still miss that. I LOVE being a husband. I can continue to say that unequivocally.

There was a point in the service where the pastor presiding over it made the following statement: "As you can see by the rain, the devil has been busy today trying to stop what is taking place here. Anytime two young people are making a commitment before God it makes the enemy mad. It's good to see two people willing to make that ultimate commitment but know that this is just the beginning and you'll face many trials along your journey." It took everything in me to choke back the tears. That is exactly how I felt on my wedding day and exactly how I feel now...that the devil would do anything to destroy my marriage and in many ways, has been relatively successful based on where things are as of today.

I had a good time at the reception but hit a point where I was alone. I looked up and everyone was slow dancing. All the girls in the wedding had boyfriends that were there. I was literally sitting at a table by myself being flooded with emotion. I went and grabbed my friend's two year old and picked her up and was dancing around with her for a minute but it eventually came right back. I went outside to let a few tears fall out of everyone's sight and just became increasingly uncomfortable whenever the slow songs were played. My two best friends (the one who got married and another that was in the wedding) both know me well enough to know I was having a tough time. One of them told me to remember that everything happens for a reason and I know he's right. I did everything I could to stay up beat. I think I looked pretty good in my tux but as the night wore on all the love in the air was suffocating me.

I was SOOOOOO happy for my friend but at the same time it was like a scene on Law & Order where they visit the morgue. I felt in my mind I was literally replaying every piece of my relationship.

That night I didn't sleep well at all. I had several dreams about my W and it took everything in me not to call her when I woke up.