Yes, I was thinking of it more as a lesson in a since. I actually credit me not totally losing it during this whole ordeal to my dad. He once told me that he was not excited at all about being a dad and it wasn't until he held me for the first time that he was really all about it. So helped keep me sane.
I still think I want to write about this someday. I know I'm not the only one who's experienced this. I've already found people on here.
I spent the whole weekend at the house. We dropped off D with my mom on Saturday so we could go to a football party. I got pretty tipsy. We had a lot of fun. H was a little annoying on the drive back to pick up D, but I managed to keep my mouth shut. He was purposefully annoying though.
I'm not a fan of this particular atribute. Sometimes I feel like he treats me more like a sister than a wife.
Anyhow, the weekend was pretty successful. I can tell H is trying. He's cleaning the house more often, playing with D as much as possible, and trying to be kind to me.
I did have a hard time last night though. Little things remind me of the really crappy times. Do you know how many songs/shows feature L.A.? Lots. And the pictures I had found of him and inappropriate coworker were from the Super Bowl. So every time we see the Packers (H's fav team), it reminds me of those. So last night during the game I just began to tear up. H asked about it. Asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no. He pushed a little harder and I gave in. He said he was really sorry and offered me a hug. He asked when it was going to get better.
I said I didn't know. But I knew that this was one of the reasons I'm not ready to move home.
I assured him that it has gotten a lot better. I'm not thinking about those things every moment of every day. But it still hurts when I do think about it. And the future scares me. And if I wake up in the middle of the night and he's gone to the restroom, I'm afraid he's left and won't come back.
I'm just not ready.
And he still hasn't told me he loves me. I guess one could argue that he has in other "love langauges" by doing actions that he knows are important to me. But he knows that words are important to me too.
I don't know.
I know I could move in now and things would be ok. But I want better than ok.
I called the electric company and they'll be setting up my account in time for my move in on Saturday. I haven't found a TV/internet provider yet.
Sister comes home Monday. Yay! And D rolled over from back to front this weekend AND sat alone for more than 5 minutes for the first time. She's doing so great. I have an amazing little girl.
