Punches??What punches?

[Redo]

SF, Valeska, KD : Thanks for stopping by. Sorry did not reply sooner. I took a break for a weak to spend some time just vegetating

SF, very valid points on the bank accounts and the counseling.

Journaling....

So the week before last was my exam. Glad i am done with. Did not do so great. Well, i only prepared for it a month before. what did i expect

That saturday, i visited my daughter. We had fun time. Went to home depot and some a kids project. We built a helicopter. Then daughter remarked on how my helicopter was bigger (My R/c helicopters). Sometimes i am so surprised on how much little kids remember. Then again she remarks on how we could play when she comes visiting me. Bittersweet memories.

Just that in the morning when i was talking to my dad he told me he heard some bad stuff being talked about me back home. My Wife's grandparents and my Dad are from the same town. So his family heard some rumors that my wife filed for divorce because i was... impotent. This was the most craziest stuff i have heard. Yup we waited 7 years to have our daughter out of choice. And yup, our sex life was shot because our relationship was going down the drain. I guess the bigger problem was that for me, i lost my mojo as our emotional distance increased. It was a vicious circle.

Not something i wanted to hear on my way to visit wife and see my daughter. But i wanted to ask her about it.

So in the evening after daughter and i said our bye-byes i asked wife as to where she is in terms on Divorce situation. That was the lead that led to about 3 hours worth of talking. Mostly civil talk, we sat outside a Starbucks and chatted. For the first time in my life i was not freaking out inside on the fear of hurting my wife or angering her. I was calm, okay with any kind of eventuality. I was trying to analyzing her. Funny, i never did this in all our 11 years. Some things i felt were.

1: She seems to be more upset with her parents now that they are not supporting her in her cause. She is upset on what her life might turn out to be.

2: She is not so upset that we are broken as a family. Just that her life is harder now. She talked about how if we do get back, it will just be the 3 of us and that she will let my parents have a relationship with daughter.

3: I told her that if we do get back that status quo must change. That we should start by the families stopping the crazy no-contact and that she should talk to my family. She got angry saying that i was back again with my same old craziness. The way i look at it. I was okay when she was not talking to my folks. But i drove me nuts inside and destroyed me emotionally. How can i go back to the same stuff. But then she says that over time she will start talking. The way i see, it is the same boat as we were in December

4: At one point she mentioned on how nice it would be if we were living in the same apartment complex but different units so that we could easily ferry daughter between us. That told me that she is not actually interested in getting back. That right now she is having lot of pressure (real world, family) and so she is just reacting to it. He reasons to work on the marriage are wrong.

5: I did ask her on rumors on the impotent thingy. She first denied it. Then she said she did know if a family member was spreading the news. Then she said that she could understand how i felt. I told her that i was not looking for sympathy. That i wanted her to know that i was upset by slandering of my name.

6: We did rehash some history that again just got painful. I guess now i can see why she wanted to talk about this with a counselor. I told her that i'd look for one. Again she told me very clearly that she might not come back just because we go counseling.

Our talks were all over the place. I did my best to show her i cared less if she did not come back. I was not a jerk, but i did not sound needy either.

I spent a lot of last week thinking if it was even worth it for counseling. The more i hear from her and see her attitude, i don't want to be with her anymore. But the moment the thought of my daughter gets in, i melt. I want to do anything to be with my daughter. But my fear is that i dont see any positive changes in wife. And worst of all, with more convo's i had with wife on sunday and monday, i felt like i was being manipulated.

One question i did ask her was as to why when i called my wife and told her that my grandfather died: That 2 hours later she calls me up and tells me that she filed. That why it could not have waited for the next day. She had an answer. She told me that she was tired of waiting for right moments and that she just wanted to get that info out to me. I was hoping that she would in the least tell me that perhaps it was not the right time she told me that. But i saw no remorse.

Another question i asked was as to why she sought sole custody of daughter when she talked the stuff about being fair and knowing very well that i initially started off by not using a lawyer. She told me this "Husband when you go to fight, you will always use all the armaments you have with you. You just dont use less". This truly shocked me i guess. My wife was the person who i thought i could share the most deepest thoughts. She knew me in and out because i kept no secrets from her. And even after she filed i went initially without a lawyer because i truly believed that she would not take advantage of me. I was totally wrong. To her i was just a game where she had to win. So she attacked with all that she had. I am sure she knew that i might just let-in like i usually do. But i guess this time i fought back. So is this person a spouse?? Hell i would not even prefer to be friends with such a person.

I don't want to sound self-righteous because i know i too have many flaws. It is just that i feel my personality is just too mellow for her type. I dunno, maybe i am wrong. Maybe i am getting cocky now i am learning to stand by myself.

I guess that is why i'll still go to the counseling with her. Maybe i'll know from the counselor if i am expecting the moon from my wife....