As I mentioned above I've read the No More Mr. Nice Guy book - now reading it again - and have visited their website and discussion forums. While the forum contributors take a pretty hardline approach to WAWs and especially EAs and PAs, they do make some good points, and as I think back over the life of our marriage I see behaviors in myself that were most un-appealing.
I have always been a pleaser, whether it's toward my W, my boss, my friends or just people in general. My W is also a pleaser, much more than I, and that combination meant that we frequently tried to meet others' needs at the expense of our own. Something she said a few months ago and also said several times in the last few years was that she was tired of taking care of everyone else and was going to take care of herself. When I first heard that I jumped up and tried to do everything for her, in typical NG (Nice Guy) fashion. I cleaned, did the laundry, tried to cook and generally threw myself at her feet.
After she dropped the bomb in March, I was the one who moved out of the bedroom. I continued to alter my work and free-time schedule to take care of SS22 so she did not have to. I made dinner the nights she worked into the evening. One thing that I was guilty of was leaving a slew of unfinished projects around the house - not following through is another trait of a NG. So I became Mr. Fix-it and started finishing the unfinished. Was I doing all of this for me? Of course not. I was trying to win the approval of my W, who would see what a great guy I really was and would leap to her senses.
See where that got me...
I now see where the pleasing, the inability to complete anything, the lack of a "man's life" and the co-dependence on her for my validation were big turn-offs. Did they justify her starting an EA, walking out and having the OM move in? Absolutely not. But she had already begun her exit strategy.
SS25 told me about a conversation he and W had in March; she had admitted to him she was in love with the OM but knew it was wrong, and she was going to end all contact with the OM and throw herself into working as hard as she could to save our marriage. She was telling him what he wanted to hear, because from the day of the bomb she continued her EA and insisted to me she had no desire to remain with me or save the marriage.
I suppose it boils down to "too little, too late". I continue to work on myself, but now it is for myself. I do not see my W returning, and even if she did we could never trust each other. The improvements will be for me and my ability to be a better person if I ever get into another relationship.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
