Alright folks I've been told by my DB coach that creating mystery especially when you are separated sometimes will do some good. Also, some of the success stories that we read about seem to point to people who move on and show their spouse they can and will survive without them.
That being said I decided we should a repository of things we've done to create mystery. Please add to the list or use the list to create some mystery.
Here goes.....
- Buy some new clothes. Everytime I see my W I have at least one thing on that is new....no matter how small. - Buy new cologne/perfume. I hugged my W to wish her Merry X-mas yesterday and she said...."Wow you smell nice what kind of cologne is that?" - She came to get the kids yesterday and was 5 minutes late. So I almost pushed them out the door like I had somewhere to go...I didn't. But I left at the same time they did and took a drive for 30 minutes. - Always call your spouse from your cell phone...even if you are standing in your house. This may cause them to think you are always out. If you are out call them from someplace loud. I sometimes go into a restaurant(Applebee's, Chili's, etc) bar so it appears I am out with other people(friends). - If he/she calls you always hurry to get off the phone....like you have something to do. Also, while talking to her tell you have another call coming in and answer it. If you don't have another call just tell you accidently hung up on them. Make sure you don't call back for at least 5 minutes. - I have kids so every once in awhile when I am either picking them up or dropping them off I'll have friend call me right before I get to her house. I'll answer the phone and when she is in ear-shot I'll say let me call you right back. - I call my kids every night when they are not with me. Tonight I called W house and they were not there so I said on the message..."I'll be available for the next hour then I have something to do where I won't be able to take calls".
The goal here is to create mystery, intrigue, and OK let's be honest....JEALOUSY. Think about how mad some of you were when your spouse was/is being mysterious with their OM/OW. We are doing nothing wrong by creating the same atmosphere.
Please add to the list so we can all help each other. Who knows maybe some of these tactics will push some R in the right direction.
What a great list. Creating mystery was a technique that worked incredibly well for me. Hmmm lets see, there's not alot I can add as your list is so comprehensive but I do have a killer one.
- When you are with your WA, get a friend to send you a text message, read it, chuckle and promptly announce that you have to go.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
H and I still live in the same house but I think mystery is what has gotten my H's attention. I started going out more frequently. Sometimes with friends but most of the time by myself. I would just go to a movie so that I was gone for a while. H was assuming that I was going over my parents' house so I had my mom call while I was out and leave a message several times. I bought new more stylish clothes. I would laugh on the phone with friends in front of H. I started mentioning male co-workers more often. It must have driven H batty because he started digging through my stuff when I wasn't home and I know that he has read my journal because he has repeated things back to me that he could only have gotten from there. I basically acted as if I was moving on and looking for a new man.
Hello JCM, Glad to hear you're continuing with mystery stratigies! If you don't mind, I'd like to share these great ideas with others - thanks.
Helping your spouse see more clearly what they're giving up by letting you go is a pretty loving agenda, I believe. Jealousy can act like a "wake-up" service. Giving your spouse a clearer picture of what it would feel like if you moved on with your own life, helps them face more quickly the reality of their decision.
However, I would like to caution that bringing in a 3rd party (which I know has been an option some of you've considered) to create jealousy may create some toxic anger from the spouse. Plus, it seems to me in this case, that the 3rd party is just being used as an object to create jealousy.
JCM, I think you sound like you are doing a great job! And your support to others on the BB is so appreciated!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Those are some good ones!!! I like the travel brochure one!!!
Here is a few more: - Take down or put away any picture that has your spouse in it. I did that on X-mas morning when she came over. - Always make sure you car is spotless when you know WA will see it.
Something I did that really bugged my former WA was took care of some yard work and home repairs myself . I didn't ask for his help or advise . He told me that it bugged him that he was not included .
Perhaps during the warmer months , some of you guys could plant something near the door making your abode more cozy ( and seemingly permanant ) -- depending on where you are living of course .
Maybe if your WA did most of the cooking , you could take some cooking lessons and get some new cookware . Have the table set fancy smancy one night when WA will be by for a short time . ( credit --
Mrs . Doubtfire ) Then have a small dinner party .
You guys are so creative! I am going to keep taking notes to share - thanks!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Wow!!!! Thanks for the lists. I sure could have used these this week. What little I did to create mystery worked. I just ran out of ideas. Now I have more. If I come up with more, I will be sure to post.
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
