W is moving out.....life goes on...

[Rick1963]

Hope you are doing ok. been thinking of you. Hugs

[In_Shock]

Not much to really update, but a little bit. As many of us are prone to 'mind reading' our WAS, I find it helps to run things by you guys instead of relying on my own interpretations of events.

W and S returned home from trip on Saturday night. I was SO happy to see S. He was ecstatic to be home, to see me and the dogs! I may have been a little too strong with the ILY or glad u guys are back to W - but oh well. Stark, weak humanity seeps in sometimes.... plus i have the frequently aforementioned problem of talking to damn much~!!

So W sleeps on the couch - as usual for the past couple of weeks or so. Sunday comes. She goes to see OW as usual.... As usual I ignore it, never mention it, never acknowledge where she is, etc... W was visibly upset from her trip - then after her -- whatever---- with OW she and I go out to dinner. (kind of weird when i put it that way, but that is what we do....) W ends up becoming very emotional on the way to dinner. She had some upsetting family things to deal with on the trip, and she cried, talked a lot to me about how she feels regarding the family things, etc...

My interpretation is that she is still emotionally connected to me -- not 'done' as she says - or she wouldn't share so much with me. Deep things, etc... I don't know, but it felt like we were connecting. *(sidebar-- one of her complaints is that I'm not in touch with my emotions...so why talk to me about painful things and get emotional comfort?) Anyway, later on in the night I did talk too much. (wow, was this just yesterday?) asking more questions about the family stuff instead of letting her come to me.

This am I said something about sorry I was talking too much or whatever?? She said she feels like I don't know when to stop with a good convo. She said it was like I was trying to pull more out of her later in the night, and she wasn't ready to talk about those things/deal with them.

I got it. That makes sense. In my mind I was trying to help.... U know, letting her talk---- but in reality i was 'forcing' her to face things she didn't want to face. Understood.

I'm hoping the emotional connection she must have felt with me earlier in the night wasn't negated too much by the later (as she said..) 'trying too hard'.

[In_Shock]

And today I heard more info on the OW - who I do NOT KNOW. Thankfully... I remember in one of MWD books it talks about getting to know what the OP is offering.... So, I asked someone who knows her for some more info.

Apparently she is someone with a huge EGO- who thinks she is 'a plane above' everyone else. She treats people she doesn't like/respect as 'stupid' and as if she has to 'teach them' something. She cannot stand to be wrong or to be corrected.

Now, I'm confused. My W - who is involved with this person.... has told me in the past that I can be arrogant, have a huge ego regarding my work/career. But, thankfully NOT that I think I'm 'above everyone' or treat people as stupid. My confidence all relates to my career - my writing, etc...

I'm confused because if these are traits W didn't like in me -- WTF is she finding attractive in this physically unattractive person? I mean -- am I missing something??? Really?

[In_Shock]

Well SH!T -- I need 2 X4 --- 25? anyone>?

My mouth. W was really late tonight coming home - had S out past his bedtime... when she got home somehow I managed to tell her what I learned today about OW. Of course, not a smart thing, but my GOD I am angry, hurt, sad, grieving, lonely, and yes, jealous. I am HUMAN and it came out. She is pretty mad at me--- u know, kill the messenger.

I know, I screwed up. I told her --- this IS the TRUTH -- that I am concerned and because I do care, i had to share this info. Of course she said SHE has NEVER seen these things in OW. She (OW) is the 'most down to earth person i've ever met." GAG.

Oh, and she did say that it's funny, that I actually have those attributes....(I kinda knew that was coming. the whole arrogant, ego thing about work.....) DAMN IT. Why do our MOUTHS say dumb things?????

SO now what????? Do I apologize? Leave it alone? *I can try*
I feel like I had one of those moments where I just couldn't control myself. Not sleeping well/enough, tired, emotinally on edge, and then she was late, with S and I KNEW out with OW.

I'm prepared this time--- please hit me. I need some help!!!! OMG I'm just so sad and don't want to lose this M. I've done pretty good overall, but I guess I'm feeling kind of black and white right now. *myopic thinking is something I'm working on ridding myself of too.....

HELP!

[25yearsmlc]

inshock mary

I don't have the time I need to reply fully so sorry about that.

But don't apologize. STFU for now. Seriously...you're human but your mouth and your logic are hurting your cause more than helping. Please my friend,

Shut up!

It's true, You don't know OW...but then again, your w doesn't really know YOU now that well either, does she?

At some level, We all believe what we want to believe and

your w has way too much ego invested in her being "right" now, than in being happy or true or

doing what's best for s4.

So back off. For all we know, what you said hit a chord or she wouldn't have cared at all what you said. You can tell her IF SHE ATTACKS you

"me thinks thou doth protest too much" or something a little low key, almost indifferent.

As a "friend" you thought she should know (which, btw, is pure BS...and you know it so I won't even bother

explaining to you how INeffective your brilliant reasoning and "inside info" worked...

it didn't, and you know it...so

back to the adage of

"Mistakes are not tragedies, but dear God let me learn from them!!"


(( ))

[In_Shock]

I know....as always u are SO right. I was just so damn--- u know--- the adjectives. I think some stupid part of me hoped W would say---- OMG. Really?? OW is THAT type of person? Man, I better break it off. LOL how silly is that? Of course i didn't REALLY think that way, but you know what I mean.

Your (my perception) calming voice - clear, well thought out words... calm me and kind of bring me back to reality.
It's not B and W-- it's not a tragedy. It's a mistake. I can live with that. I always learn, but my worst thing over and over is saying TOO MUCH!!!!!!

I have definitely improved when i look back at my threads. BUT I have my moments.


You said: At some level, We all believe what we want to believe and

your w has way too much ego invested in her being "right" now, than in being happy or true or

doing what's best for s4.

So back off. For all we know, what you said hit a chord or she wouldn't have cared at all what you said. You can tell her IF SHE ATTACKS you

"me thinks thou doth protest too much" or something a little low key, almost indifferent.

YES -- I DO think it hit a chord b/c she was angry and kept telling me not to go any further....If there wasn't a shred of truth, she could shrug it off. I always use the analogy of myself -- if someone comes up to me and says, "You are stupid" I would say..."uh-huh" and not give it a second thought because it's simply an untruth. BUT if someone called me "fat", because even though I'm not enormous by any means, I am a little overweight and was moreso as a teenager, I would be WOUNDED and HURT by that remark. So the Shakespearean reference is a testament to a common thing amongst people.

[In_Shock]

And yes, I get that she has too much invested in being right and I'm the 'bad' guy.

Back on the DB wagon. Damn, why is it so hard?????

[In_Shock]

ok, so now she shanghai-ed me into R talk until a few minutes ago. OMG I CANNOT TAKE THIS!!! I will have to update more tomorrow --- WTF is wrong with these WAS?????????? Rewriting history, etc...

She says she has NO emotional connection to me at all except through our S. (yes, I know she's speaking in absolute negatives) She is "DONE" with us and has been since June. She has no desire to ever be with me - she is ANGRY with me --- and feels nothing. (is it me or is that a contradiction??????)

Says I abandoned her while I was on my 'religious' kick. She felt discarded and "how does it feel to you(me)to be discarded???? Ok......

Ireally am going to try to sleep. I simply cannot do this right now...but I did want to put a couple of things down before I forgot them (not likely).

Synopsis: I'm a controlling abandoner who she has no emotional connection to and she is done with me. Period. Ok. I'm sure I'll have pleasant dreams.... (blah)

[jbnati]

IS, your W may be looking at you when she's talking and use words that appear to be directed to you. However, it's likely there is a lot of self convincing and justification going on at the same time. If your W is anything like mine, she can be pretty darn convincing, too. It's almost scary. Take a step back, though, and realize what may be going on here.

You probably do need to back off some and give her some space. Not only for her sake but for yours as well.

Hugs to you. ((()))

[In_Shock]

yes, I do need to back off again/more. I've done well much of the time. I actually do not bring up OW at all. It's not something I usually even acknowledge. It just all got out of control last night. I think I probably pushed them closer togther..... Great.

I want to save my R SO much -- for us, most importantly for S. But sometimes I think it would be easier if she was not here. I mess up too much (I'm not like dear little cam, but I have really bad moments -- i feel so bad for him. )

I just continue to wonder if separation really breeds separation or if in this sitch we actually need it -- for her to really spend time with (not just the incessant texting of a 13 year old and the occasional hours on the weekend) with OW and really see what she's like. Move past some of the infatuation and see reality. Meanwhile I can begin to heal. I'm just RAW so much of the time when W is home. I really do DB well most of the time.....but then she gets me involved in a R talk (I know, i should have JUST validated...i did some of that, but yes, I said dumb sh!t as well) and when I get involved in the R talk -- I get broken.

My spirit is broken today. I'm pretty much on the floor in a pile of tears. *(not literally, thank god, because I am at work and have S to get later) but I mean -- I FEEL broken, tired, sad, angry..etc..... Like JB said, she is REALLY convincing when saying she doesn't like me, doesn't feel anything for me, no emotional connection, and just wants me to leave her alone. She says she wants nothing from me. She doesn't care if I'm "there for her" like I always am when she has problems/issues..... she said she would talk to anyone the same way she talks to me about those personal problems.

That is NOT true....she is a pretty guarded person. I have to go to class again -- but ANY ANY ANY input is always read, appreciated, and internalized the best I can.

Dragging myself up and out the door..... tail between my legs, makeup hiding the red nose/cheeks/eyes from 3 hours sleep and crying jag.