Thanks much for keeping it real, Gritter. Your reasons for not exposing her A are very similar to the ones I already have. I'm dealing with a very different animal here. Exposing her A would only lead her to start pulling out some nasty punches. If me telling her that I'm going dark caused her to start threatening me, exposure would only lead to worse consequences.
To know that it's okay to feel angry, sad, hurt, betrayed, the whole range -- is a good thing. I grew up feeling emotionally shut off and numb. For some reason, I learned early on that feelings are not normal and only cause pain. I must allow myself to feel (without wallowing, of course).
You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned self-worth and happiness. For years, I trained myself to believe that my W's appraisal of my worth was the only one that mattered. I also trained myself to believe that I would never be happy without her. I have unfairly placed the responsibility of my self-esteem and my enjoyment in life in her hands -- unfair to me, and unfair to her as well.
This is the toughest part for sure. Her actions have caused me to plunge into deep wells of depression and terrible levels of self-esteem. I guess the only thing that's going to help this is treating myself well, GAL-ing, and keeping a far distance from my W. I know that one for sure. That's why I went dark -- every time I speak to her, even for a moment, I just feel lousier about myself. I'm so sick of even having the barest contact with her, it amazes me. I never though that I would get to the point where I want to by and large sever contact with her but -- I done did.
