CTflor, it is when they are most difficult to trust that they need you to show that you do. It is so important to them, broken as they are. Don't keep on pushing, and act "as if" everything will be all right, BUT do not expect. Do not hold them to their word. I think yur H is basically good, has strong core values, but because of what happened is fighting guilt and also trying to find his way back to you. He is not quite there yet, and remember no matter what you do you cannot force someone to love you.
Read my threads,look for Cyrena's posts to me. I have one in Piecing, and several in MLC.
I think they wuld resonate with you.
You know, I think if you are careful, your sitch will resolve even faster than mine. Find it in your heart to forgive your H, really and truly, and let go of the anger and the resentment! I think thats the only trouble when the sitch resolves quickly, there is not much time to learn forgiveness on the part of the LBS and sometimes, we can push them right back into OW. I think thats what happened to me - my H actually ended it with OW in November but because of my actions I pushed him right back!
But anyway, I still did have a lot to learn, so maybe it was all part of why this all happened. I would not have really realized all I needed to had it not all played out fully.
I hope though for your sake that you learn from all we have passed through here, and that it will help you gothrough with all of this.
Take care, and hugs to you!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Angel, i'm not sure if he is trying to find his way back to me...because he still has that wall up. Just when he comes out of the tunnel for a bit, he quickly reminds me that he wants to be free and is not happy. When he seems to be coming closer again, he reverts back to being cool and distant. One day he kisses me, the next no. The one thing that has never went away through all of this are the i love you's. I like to think of this as a hopeful sign.
I feel jerked back and forth...and like Beatrice said, trying not to get sucked into the mlc whirlpool.
It's like i pull back and detach some, then he wants to be intimate, pulling me closer in...then he's distant, and i'm back to detachment..it gets confusing.
I'm gonna check out your threads in piecing...i have yet to read anything on that so im not familiar with it.
Ctflor, the road back is not a straight one, it twists and turns and sometimes even doubles back up. You will be jerked back and forth - we all are. Do not be surprised. Confusion is the norm for the MLC'er.... so keep your eyes on the distant goal.
Enjoy the intimacy for what its worth, but again, be wary.
There is usually a disconnect between the head and the heart - many times, your head knows what is right but its hard to do. have you ever thought it might be that way too with your H?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
H was talking about finding a mc in CA once we move me there. Within a 10 minute time period this is what he told me:
1. It's taking a lot for me to be here, I want to be free. 2. I'm done, don't you understand?
and after I excused myself from the room to go to the bathroom (an excuse) he came up to me about 5 minutes later to tell me...
3. I love you... I don't mean to hurt you 4. I don't want to lose you 5. I believe our marriage can be saved, if I didn't believe this I would have left
So within a 10 min time period... he goes from "I'm done" to "I don't want to lose you and I think our marriage can be saved".
This is how crazy it has been. I can't respond to it, but nod my head in agreement with him.
I guess this is why I wonder if this is normal...because it was so extreme yesterday.
He himself continues to tell me how mixed up he is...so he knows he has something going on. But he's blaming me, and saying he's miserable with me and has no control over his life.
BUT if I tell him... "There's no locks on the inside of these doors, you are free...." He just sits there looking down...gets quiet and stops talking about.
I offer him his freedom, he does not take it.... I don't know what to do.
He told me "I'm trapped here, I'm trapped because I can't leave you and our daughter".
What can I do to help him? I pray every day for God to guide my steps so that I am doing the right things, saying the right things.
The same exact words from my H. Last year, the same thing happened to me. He was talking about separating, and when I took him up on it and told him that I would rather just have a D and be done with it, he suddenly backed down and said what if he could not survive without me? It is NORMAL for their abnormal wy of thinking - it is because they are conflicted, and both sides, both choices almost weigh as much as each other. It depends upon us to tip it to one side. Right now in your case, at least your H still says he loves you, and the balance is really very much tipped on to your side. What will you do? Nothing. You cannot fix him or make up his mind for him.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Angel, I'm not sure I know how to tip it to my side, other than remaining calm,gal, and be less clingy, despite what he does. When I ask him.... "what is it about me, what is wrong with me?" he says.. "nothing, it's not you".
Obviously it IS me.. he has told me he wants to be in love, and have passion. He went looking for it with another woman... so something in me needs to be fixed. I don't know if I can be what he wants... I can only be me, or an improved me.
This afternoon when he came home from work I was taking a nap. Our D was over playing with friends at another house. He came and laid down by me, and we slept for awhile, and when I woke up we ML. He pretty much initiated it. We were so close, I felt so close to him. But afterwards.. he got up, gave me a peck, said ILU and off he went, and for the rest of the evening he's pretty much kept his distance.
This is what I don't understand. Before BD, he would hold me.. we would talk... he would cuddle.
I wanted us to be intimate so badly, and now that we are... I just don't know what I feel. I want the intimacy to keep the connection... if that makes sense, but I also want it to be the way it used to be.
I feel that he wants to be with me, yet he's still holding on to his feelings about being free... so there again he's conflicted, even when we ML.
The short and long answer to this is 'Yes' Try reading 'Solo partner'. BUT in the medium and long term it takes two people to make a marriage. One person can do it for a while though, and give the other a chance to join in.
