Wife no longer in love with me - Part 4

[Finah]

Only you can decide if you want to move on.

You have every right to, you are still young there are plenty of great women who are in there 30's.

And all of us need to step back for a minute and kick our WW or WAW off their high horse

The fact is............they are not all that...........they may be pretty, funny, smart, all those great qualities........
But they are not M material.

Save me their sob stories about needs not being met........or they met some OM.

A huge part of this problem........is them

Blame yourself.........they blame you........they are not even coming close to owning their 50%.

Seriously..........tell your W to call you in 10 years just so you know how this all worked out for her

And try not to laugh when she ends up in the same precarious position.

And Cam..........you are not a failure. How is it failing if you are the only one trying to save the M?

A lot of people don't try and save their M, A or not.

What you are doing is admirable........A lot of women would respect the he!! out of you for it.
Don't be embarrassed. You are fighting for what you want......
I tell everyone about my sitch if they ask..........I don't care.

Those people who get it.......who understand what M is all about........you know what they say

WOW you are going to meet some woman and she is going to fall head over heels for you.

Those people that don't get it, like your W, or those who judge you over this.........are not the type of people you want in your life.

So if this cute account manager............if she asks you

You say " I am fighting for my marriage, for my wife and what I believe in "

If her head is even on half way straight.........she won't look at you as a failure......

Just focus on you, keep working on yourself and good things will happen.

[workinghardguy]

I don't know if this works for anyone else or not... but maybe last week or the week before, I think it was last week, I set up a match.com account. I didn't do it to date or find someone else. I'm in this to save my M.

At the same time I was having an issue with looking ahead and thinking if my W never comes back to our M, will I ever find anyone else? Is there anyone even out there?

So I set the account up. I logged in and did a search. Saw the ridiculous amount of hits that came back. Looked at some. Then deleted the account and have never gone back.

It helped me. Might not help others, but it helped me. It helped me realize that my fears were not based in reality or logical. I strongly suggest deleting the account so you're not tempted or end up back there... I don't think visiting over and over would be a wise or healthy idea. But it did help me that one time.

[cam]

Thanks guys....not sure about the internet dating scene WHG.
I sent her a list of all our assets earlier today and asked that she look over and let me know what she wants to do and how to split them. She just came back saying she would look at it tonight or tomorrow and let me know.
I actually feel sick having to do this. It is the realisation that this is now the end and there's no going back.
I have tried some DBing techniques but to be honest, she is not a normal person in her reactions and it is complicated with her being in a foreign country, so she has the option of moving home which she will do. Nothing works with her.....she would rather pretend I don't exist and we didn't spend 8 yrs together.
Once this is done, I honestly don't think I will ever see or speak to her again....very strange to comprehend, but this is how she deals with difficulties.

[cam]

I don't want to do this.....I can't handle it. All I want is my W back and it is all over.
I can't believe my life has ended up like this.
Sorry for the emotional outburst.....having a tough day and just missing my W more and more every day.

[cam]

My W called me tonight to talk assets. She sounded a bit messed up.....I was quite firm at the start, I gave her my list earlier in the day and just said we need to address this.
There was a bit of small talk from her for once, asking me what i did on the weekend, how my friends were. I went interstate on the weekend and made it sound like a blast, even though i was miserable hanging out with heaps of couples.
She said she cant handle talking about assets at the moment, she's not in a good frame of mind. I asked her what was going on....she paused before answering and I said is it work or us. Quickly she responded with saying it's work.....I dont believe here.
She said she would get back to me on Thursday re the assets. I stupidly talked R and asked her if this is what she wants still......as it seems such a waste. Again she said she cant go back now. So I said fine, let's just get this over and done with.

I'm off to the Maldives tonight for a week.....didn't tell her...she doesn't need to know where I am.

[NTX_Dad]

Have you talked to your doctor lately about your medication? I recall that you said you were taking something and that they increased your dosage.

It is entirely possible that you are having an adverse side effect from the medicine. In some cases, AD medicines can have the opposite effect and make you more depressed.

I'm not a doctor but I am just relaying what happened with my stbx. She took Lexapro for a month over the summer and she became even more depressed.

Regarding the business trip with the account manager. If she is single and you are attracted to her, then relax and have fun. Talking about your sitch won't make you look like a failure IMHO, as long as you don't obsess over it. Tell her what happened and how you fought for your marriage and then enjoy the rest of the trip.

[Valeska19]

Hey Cam,
Not super familiar with your sitch but I've been reading recent posts and I just want to give you one of these ((( ))) and say that I get it.

I would definitely talk to a doctor to see if the meds are contributing to some of this 'hopelessness' that you are feeling.

Alot of the feedback has been spot on however it always EASIER said that done.

Bond is right that you can control "you". And from what I am seeing - you are struggling with that. Controlling yourself around wife, controlling your negative thoughts, etc.

You are all over the place... and there is no blame there.. but it is what it is.

What about going dark? Not in a way to see if w misses you, but with the understanding that you are not in a place to deal with your sitch at the moment and you aren't doing any good to your w, your m, or you until you can work through some stuff.

It's okay. It's okay to take time for yourself. To let yourself grieve. To walk away from your sitch for a bit to allow the emotions to happen.

My w wanted to start mediation in August. I pushed it until October.. because I wasn't ready. I had too much going on internally and I just couldn't handle it. I made a note to myself that I wasn't running from my sitch, but that I needed to work on me for a bit to get to a place I needed to be.

It's okay to not have your sh!t together right now!!

But it's not okay to continue to put yourself in situations and do things.. knowing that you don't have your sh!t together.

Your wife says she doesn't want to deal with it.. you don't want to deal with it. So don't force it.

It's clear you're not ready - even if you want to be.

If your not able to communicate to w right now w/o hurt, anger, or talking about R.. then DON'T TALK TO HER.

Don't ignore where you are in your process. Embrace it. Work on it. Then move forward with sitch from there.

[MrBond]

"It is the realisation that this is now the end and there's no going back."

Actually it's because you've been pushing it. Not because of her.

"I have tried some DBing techniques but to be honest, she is not a normal person in her reactions"

Read EVERYONE else's thread. Their WAS's all act the same. So don't say that your W was the exception which is why your DBing didn't work. You never really started DB-ing. It takes a lot of patience and understanding. Both of which you weren't willing to give. You made it mostly about yourself. Well, you weren't the one who had problems with the relationship. It was her. And you never gave her a chance to figure things out.

"Nothing works with her.....she would rather pretend I don't exist and we didn't spend 8 yrs together."

Again, this happens in all of our sitches. Get over it. She's not "pretending" she just doesn't want to deal with your whining any more.

"but this is how she deals with difficulties."

Nope she's just reacting to how you're acting. Think about it.

"I can't believe my life has ended up like this.
Sorry for the emotional outburst.....having a tough day and just missing my W more and more every day."
"i was miserable hanging out with heaps of couples."
"I dont believe here."
"I stupidly talked R and asked her if this is what she wants still......as it seems such a waste."

All examples of how you've made it all about you.

Bottom line: Do you love her and want to stay married to her? If not, then stop complaining about missing her. It's what you want right?

If not, then you have to start being more patient and understanding. You've only been in this for 2 and a half months. Some have been at it for years.

And let's face it, its not realistic to think that your next relationship is going to be perfect either. If you haven't learned what made your relationship fail (you say you do, but you haven't changed), it will fail again.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Cam,

Almost everyone thinks they or their spouse is the exception to the rule and that the ideas of DBing won't work for them, or they know better.

That may be true. You might be...she might be...
But unless you give DBing a chance...and really try the ideas, you're not going to truly going to know if you're the exception.

Begging, pleading, crying, threatening, cajoling, those...don't work.

[cam]

Have you talked to your doctor lately about your medication? I recall that you said you were taking something and that they increased your dosage

I spoke to the doctor last Friday, she wants me to stick at it for another couple of weeks and increase again. I am feeling more and more down, probably because this is becoming more and more real as time goes on. I always thought we would sort this out, so did all our friends and family, so I was always a bit confident that she would come around. Obviously that's not the case. I will see how I go over the next few weeks and take it from there.
I just get so down when I miss her so much and think about everything we were supposed to do in our lives together and now she will do that with someone else. I am just broken.